Shelter In The Storm

It All Started With The Sunglasses

2012-03-04T23:57:00.002-08:00

I remember every detail of the first time he kissed me.

It wasn't your typical kiss.

He firmly took me by both shoulders, turned me toward him, and then he reached up and took my sunglasses off me. He said "I want to see your eyes".

Then he curved one large strong hand around the back of my neck, fingers tangled in my hair at the base of my neck, tilting my head toward him.

His other hand tipped my chin back.

Then he kissed me long and hard.

It wasn't a Disney kind of a kiss, where your heart pounds and one foot pops up.

His kiss made my toes go numb and I actually felt dizzy.

Maybe that kiss should have been my first clue that I had a very dominant man on my hands, the kind who would spin my world around, open my eyes, set me straight, and never let me go. I guess deep down I knew, right at that moment, that I was in deep.

In case I didn't know that fact, the next day we were sitting in his truck and he said to me

"If you had any thoughts about getting away from me, now is your last chance. If you have some running to do, do it now because I'm falling hard, and from this point forward I won't give up easily."

I saucily told him I wasn't going anywhere.

But in my head I was thinking "If I decide I'm outta here, I'm outta here, Buddy".

Little did I know there was no way I was going to do any walking away.

I was in it for life with this man.

I'd love to say it was instantly

But if you have read this blog, you know it wasn't that simple.

We battled. We loved hard and we fought hard. We would take three steps forward and two steps back. We had an intense relationship, strong opinions, sharp wits, and long memories. We are both sensitive, smart, and stubborn.

He's dominant, decisive, loves to take care of me, and he's downright bossy at times.

I'm sassy, fun-loving, independent-minded, and don't like to be told what to do much at all.

He wanted my submission, and I spent a whole lot of years looking for another alternative.

Then I spent a few more years after that running the other direction. Doing the opposite- because I was tired of failing at it.

Truth was, I wasn't failing..I was simply refusing to go the distance and really submit.

Lately I find myself realizing something about submission to my husband. Something I really don't want to tell him, because for now its my quiet little secret.

Fat chance..he usually knows this stuff about me before I know this stuff about me..

I have realized that tiny seeds of resistance start really tiny and quickly grow. When my attitude is not where it should be toward him, its amazing how even the smallest things make me feel like staging a mutiny.

But when my spirit is quiet and submissive, and my heart is right toward him, I don't even notice those same tiny things.

Sometimes, it all starts with something silly..like sunglasses. He might ask me to take them off, so he can see my eyes when he's talking to me.

Normally I will slide them off and look up at him obediently.

But..other times I pretend I didn't hear him, or I take them off but look down, or I take them off for a moment and put them back on before he's done talking to me. Or, something he really hates- I might simply fling my hair back, put some more lipstick on, and put my nose in the air, keeping my sunglasses on and giving him that, as he calls it, "ice cold movie star" body language, which he has specifically told me really gets under his skin.

I probably wouldn't get spanked for that behavior, he'd just tell me to knock it off, and take the sunglassess off right now please.

But I'm starting to realize that those small unsubmissive moments are always a mirror that reflect a bigger bad attitude.

He's a natural care-taker, and I'm the one he's always taking care of. Little instructions throughout the day are meant for my benefit. He's the kind of guy who zips my coat up under my chin..its just who he is, and I'm used to it.

He's a weather watcher. So sometimes he tells me what shoes he thinks I should wear when I go out for the day, or what coat or sweater I might want along, or to take an umbrella. He likes me to check in while I'm out, so he knows I'm doing okay, so he wants my phone charged and ready.

When I bristle with impatience, or stubbornly want to do the opposite, its because an attitude is brewing under the surface. I don't want to actually disobey an order or refuse to do a task, so I begin to show slight resistance to the little..seemingly unimportant things.

Trouble is, I used to think I could just do this, small moments of resistance, and there would be no real consequence, but I was wrong. Its been an epiphany of sorts for me this week.

I realize that when I do this, he notices it. It puts him on alert to watch for the next thing.

Simple..you say. Just don't go and do the next thing. Problem solved, right? Well sure it would be..but I can't seem to stop that train once its running down the tracks. A flash of attitude reveals something bigger than I can control, bigger than I can hide..its pandora's box and its wide open.

I used to blame it on him and tell myself he's just so bossy, of course you are going to get sick and tired of it!

Imagine how ashamed I feel to realize its not him, its me. He's the same everyday, its my response that varies. I have a choice in how I respond to daily interactions. When I am happy with my life, with him, and there is nothing going on, I take his leadership for what it is..meant to further our closeness, meant to guide me, meant to keep me on the right track..always for my benefit.

When I respond negatively, it hurts him a little. His heart is in the right place, even when mine isn't. He's not trying to get me wound up, he's just trying to keep me from getting caught in bad weather, or get one of my headaches I get from forgetting my sunglasses.

Its not a good sign when my eyes flash and I dig my heels in and I feel insulted by his efforts.

When I think oh just leave me alone, dude.. yikes. Its a clear sign to me that I need to stop and evaluate my attitude before I'm otk and wondering what the hell just happened.

When I have the right attitude, when I've got my "submissive groove on" , the helpful things he tells me are not a big deal.

Today he told me, as I was heading out the door "You are going to need your sunglasses today, Sweetie, so don't forget them."

I turned back absentmindedly, not the least bit bothered by it, grabbed them, and said "Thanks, Babe." I started to put them on, but then stopped and remembered that he likes me to kiss him goodbye before I put my glasses on.

I grinnned at him, kissed him, and ran out the door, sunglasses in my hand.

His kiss still spins my world around.

I felt dizzy and my toes felt numb.

Submission Small Talk

2012-03-03T14:32:00.000-08:00

Good morning my bride!

Guuda Mugga, bppt. Pthh.

Should we get you some coffee?

Ya think?

Later, he asked me to see my coffee cup. I tipped it up, and he could see it was nearly gone. So he grinned.

Lets try this again. Good morning my lovely bride!

Hello husband who thinks there is only ONE answer for everything.

Oh, I see somebody is feeling a little pouty about being spanked last night.

Well, there is more than ONE answer to everything!

I'm thinking about that one right now, so better watch it.

Oh alright..but its not the only answer you know..

No I know it isn't. There is also respect, submission, and obedience, and just plain decent behavior.

We can't talk about freakin submission before my coffee is gone!

Its just about gone. And don't say freakin. You know what? I think that we might just define submission differently.

THAT'S IT!!!!!!!! Honey, you are a genius. Why didn't I think of that? We simply don't define it the same
way!

Well that's fine, Sweetie. I have plenty of time and energy to keep teaching you submssion by my definition. I'm sure you will catch on eventually.

Great, just great.

I think this is going to be a two-cup morning...

I Have No Interest In Pinterest

2012-03-02T15:39:00.000-08:00

I'm not tempted.

I'm not intrigued.

I'm not drawn to it like a moth to a flame.

Its like, whatever. Who cares? I don't need that.

ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH.

Okay, I lied!

I think Pinterest sounds so cool.

I love all of that kind of stuff. I am actually a pretty crafty chick. But I'm not crafty enough to figure out how NOT to get in major trouble by adding another online addiction to my life.

I don't have this guy:

and I wouldn't hear this..

and although my man is very supportive of me and all of my creative endeavors, if I went over my online limits he sure wouldn't be thinking this..

NOPE.

I think its just waaaaay safer for me to NEVER allow myself even a peek into a site like Pinterest. I know myself too well. It would be impossible for me to obey him, to keep to an hour total a day..when I was learning all kinds of new ideas, decor, crafts, recipes, and how to turn dust bunnies into while-you-sleep household cleaners.

Tearfully and regretfully I have turned down all of my friends who offered to "show the way" to this temptation.

I just can't go there.

I'd get spanked every day!

I'd go from this..

to something much more like this..

So go ahead and enjoy.

Go ahead and taunt me with the tantalizing treats of this unknown world.

But if you get into trouble.

Don't think you can pin it on me!

My Husband The Excavator

2012-03-01T23:15:00.000-08:00

I couldn't decide.

Should I tell him or not tell him?

I had made a very teeny weeny mistake in my banking account.

And I got a super tiny overdraft of just five piddly widdly dollars.

Actually, it wasn't technically an overdraft at all, because I had overdraft protection and there would be no fee for us. I manage our household out of a monthly budget account. I stay within our agreed upon budget unless something extra comes up. If I need more money, I simply transfer it from another account, and let him know what I am spending it on. He's super generous, I'm not kept on a shoestring, but we do really watch where our money goes. Since we both want to stay within a monthly budget, its a pretty good system.

It helps keep me aware, because a transfer reminds me that I have gone out of the budget and it needs to have a good reason. (like cute shoes or a to-die-for set of luggage or....dang..a car repair)

I am to stay within the budget, or have some kind of communication, and I am always supposed to keep close track of all the accounts and my expenditures. If I don't stay on track, I get a spanking. Its quite simple and I know the deal.

Even five dollars off? Well..yeah.

I guess I knew I had to tell him, because if I didn't he would ask me anyway. Better to tell him right off.

Easier to do such a thing on the phone..and I wasn't home so the next time he called me I confessed it.

Pretty predictable- he told me he would spank me when I got home.

I argued just a little, only because well I had already fixed it and it was such a tiny thing. He listened patiently and said the amount doesn't matter. (I guess I already knew it..dang)

Problem was, I was out with friends, I was gone for quite awhile, and as seems to happen when I am in trouble and its not dealt with immediately (which is what usually happens) I just start to get bugged at HIM. I fuss and whine about it, in my head..and I start to look for ways to blame him for the spanking that is hanging over my head (well not my head..) and my attitude starts to go all penguin on me.

You know, sliding downhill?

I can't help it. I just get a bit indignant and peeved until its all over and done.

So when I got back home, I was in no mood. No mood for what? No mood to be toyed with! He was in a goofy mood, and he was walking out of a room and he said "Good thing I'm feeling benevolent today".

My head snapped up! Huh? Did he just say what I thought he said? "What do you mean? You are?"

He grinned wickedly. "Well, I mean..I'm always feeling benevolent, that's just the kind of guy I am.."

Grrrrr. Not funny- you, you, you, ogre-man!

Then he said he was tempted to let it go but my attitude hadn't been good. Well, that was true..unfortunately. I wanted to explain but I got spun out, defensive, and got argumentative and he sent me upstairs for a "discussion". Oh dang.

I meant to just walk but I suppose I may have stomped a little bit. Just a piddly widdly bit of a stomp.

He came up and I didn't want to talk about any of it, and of course he insisted. I didn't want to hear a lecture! I know it all! I just made a mistake! No..I wasn't shouting at him..but in my head..

Then he told me he had decided to let me slide on the banking, but he couldn't let the attitude go. I whirled on him, "What? Why didn't you tell me that on the phone? Why?!" I was quite sure I would not be in that position if he had just told me I had a hall pass this once..

He said he'd reminded me not to get beligerent about being in trouble, its wasn't his fault.

It really wasn't. And he was under no obligation to decide or let me know, he had a right to weigh his decision. After all, he's the HOH..not me. Sigh..but its still sort of hard, ya know?

He asked me if I had gotten sassy with him. Umm, yeah. He asked me if I thought he could let that go. Umm, no knowing you..probably not.

He said okay, then you know why you are getting a spanking right now.

Then he asked me if I had called our appliance repairman that day.

Oh HOLY CRIKEY! My mind had a flashback to the previous afternoon:

Angel, I want you to call this guy tomorrow.

Oh yeah, okay.

No, I mean it HAS to be done..by Monday night.

Sure.

This is not a request, Angel wife.

I know!

I want to be perfectly clear..and I'm putting this sticky note on your iPad so you have no excuse.

Uh huh..for sure- I'll call him.

And if you don't..

Oh puleez! Don't tell me what will happen...I know what will happen!

Good. Then I won't say another word about it.

Oh my gosh! And then it had completely dropped KER-plunk..out of my head! I had moved his note to my desk, and then...oh geezz. I'm not sure what happened after that.

He looked at me, eyebrows up. Holy wow. I was seriously BURIED! I flopped over on the bed, buried my head and kicked my feet in dispair. Oh how could I have forgotten? He's gonna kill me...

I was buried so deep sand was falling into my ears.

Tears started flowing. He patiently lifted me up off of the bed and began to talk as he peeled off clothing. I couldn't really hear him very well, but he was talking about banking, responsibilities, blowing him off, sass, and oh my gosh...

I needed an EXCAVATOR!

I just sobbed as he put me over his lap. Buried and overwhelmed and soooo upset. He stopped talking. I waited. I had no idea how bad it would be, considering all the ways I had screwed up.

He just held me there.

I was still sobbing and I wailed at him "Just do it!"

He said "Hmmm, I was under the impression that I'm the one who decides when I spank you."

So I shut up. And waited and waited..

He started to rub my back and he just let me cry. Then he said softly-

You seem buried, Sweetie. I can see that you are overwhelmed. I'm not sure why you didn't obey me, when I was so clear about the job I gave you, and I'm not sure why your account got messed up, and I'm not sure why I am letting you go- but I am. I just think you are feeling too buried and I want you to feel better, not worse.

When you calm down and feel like talking, lets discuss what to do about future things like this, okay? Don't think that you are going to get a whole lot of hall passes like this one. And don't you turn right around and get in trouble because I sure won't be pleased if that happens.

I really couldn't believe it. I was so amazed! I hugged and kissed him, and ran downstairs to write in HUGE letters on my calendar the jobs he wanted me to do.

An act of mercy from above. The strong hands of a confident man, with a keen eye and a compassionate heart. Who adores me. I'm not sure I deserve him but I'm sure glad he's mine.

I double checked my list for the next day, so I wouldn't let him down again.

Then I decided I should run up to take a shower just in case..

I had sand in my hair.

Giant Baby Steps

2012-02-28T17:43:00.000-08:00

I knew it was gonna happen.

I knew when he got home from his little trip, we would have to do Role Affirmation. (He can call it maintenance but I say to-maah-to..)

One thing about my husband, he just never says something and then forgets about it later. He had told me that from now on, whenever he is away overnight, that he would do RA when he got back.

I was on the phone with him, right before we got back together. He told me that he hoped I hadn't forgotten, that I needed to expect maintenance that night. I whined about it. Then he said not to whine about it. So I said hey, can we talk about something else?

After he had been home awhile he told me it was time.

I had been trying to not "slip" while he was gone, and I was working hard to show him the respect he deserves. I thought I had done a pretty decent job, for me...and I hoped he would notice. I guess to be honest, I was hoping that if I did well enough on my own, I wouldn't need a maintenance type spanking. And wouldn't get one.

He put me in position and told me that he was proud of all that I had done while he was gone, but he didn't want me to fall into old habits of resisting his authority, and he told me what he expected from me for submission. I told him I understood.

He said he wanted to have a good transition, and that he was home now and I could lean on him.

I said okay.

He said that he wanted us to work well as a team.

I said alright..me too.

He gave me a few sharp swats with a "quiet" thing that I truly hate. Any swat at all gets my attention, and the sting lasts awhile..

He let me up.

I came up mad, sputtering my annoyance. I was just flat annoyed..

He said "What's the matter?"

Nothing is the matter! You annoy me, that was annoying! Grrrrr...

What are you talking about? I only wanted to get your attention.

You got my attention..you irritated me!

Hmmm, I think some talking is in order here. Sit up here..no, forget that..get back over my knee.

What the f....I mean, why?

Because we obviously aren't done here. I am going to ask you some questions and I want you to answer them honestly.

Ohhh What is wrong with you Stormy? When are you going to learn to shut the hell up..

Are you feeling independent from me and disconnected, like you usually get?

Uhhhh..well, not really.

Be honest!

Maybe a little..

Oh. Well..then I think I got a bit tricked.

Tricked? That doesn't sound good at all..

Yes. I thought you were doing pretty great emotionally, and now I find out you were hiding it to try to prevent maintenance.

I didn't say that!

You really didn't have to. Baby, you need to trust me here. We are fairly new to maintenance and I know you don't want to do it, but you need to trust me that I will do the right thing. I want to do what is best for us, and if its not best for us, and for you, then I don't want to do it. For now though, its important that you submit to me and we find our way together, okay?

Okay.

I am pretty confident where you are, and what is needed to get your head back on straight right now. We both need to remember our roles and why we do this, and what our goals are.

Okaaaaaay, I trust you Honey. I'm trying..I just don't want..

I know you don't, but we also don't want the breakdown in our relationship that happens when you start to put up walls and you try to shut me out because I left our home for just a few short days, right?

Right..yeah..I guess.

Okay. Then I think we understand each other.

Then he started over and it got a little intense. He talked about what he wanted from me, what he expected from both of us, and why it was best for our family for us to come together as a unit and a team. He corrected me on a few things and said he wanted me to get "right headed" about a couple of ideas I was being stubborn about. The feelings I had toward the spanking were different because I wasn't in trouble, but it was still hard to take..also for that same reason- I wasn't in trouble.

What helped me submit were his words..encouraging me, supporting me, reminding me of our goals and how he wants the best for me, for us. And I had to answer him- sharing my thoughts as he carefully read me and judged where my emotions were taking me.

I didn't want to fight him, I wanted to work for us, and toward us, and I wanted to allow myself to be vulnerable and not shut down or get stubborn.

It was a battle within me but it was a short battle and I gave in to everything he was saying and doing, as his words washed over me. How foolish it would be to let myself drown, when there was a huge rock to cling to and anchor myself to..to find my footing and clear my head.

He is my rock, and my everything. He has never let me down, he has never let me drown, he is always going to be there for me in every possible way that he can. He puts up with my nutty ways, my repeated mistakes, my wild streak, my attempts to thwart him, my emotional dodging..and he hangs in there.

I'm in good hands, tough hands..but good ones.

I was crying very soon, and he gave me the chance to tell him what I was dealing with. I didn't hold back- I told him how hard it was to stay in a submissive mindset when he was away, even for a little while. I told him it was a battle but I was doing my best to fight it. I sobbed and said I didn't understand myself, that I had plenty of years to get over this, but I still fell on my face in this area. I told him that I was trying so hard, because I wanted to ask more of myself, I wanted to rise above my natural independent tendencies, and I wanted to make him proud of me.

He told me he was already plenty proud of me.

I decided I was proud of me too. I had worked a lot harder at keeping my head and my heart where they needed to be, while he was away, and although I wasn't perfect..I'd made some baby steps.

Then, I'd accepted his "help" and submitted to a role affirmation spanking even when it wasn't my idea or my preference.

I didn't fight the process and I did everything I could to use it for our benefit.

That was a giant step for me.

All in all, I made some giant baby steps.

And The Oscar Goes To..

2012-02-26T14:38:00.002-08:00

No, not this guy.

I'm talking about the other kind.

No not that either.

I'm talking about the HOH Oscars.

Huh, you didn't know there were any? Well there aren't..but sometimes I tease my ogre and tell him that he can stop trying to win an oscar for HOH-ness.

(he hates the academy awards, says he'd rather have his fingernails pulled out than watch them..)

So when I say that to him, he rolls his eyes and makes some sarcastic remark back to me.

I actually think, however, that he takes it as a compliment, even when I say it in my sassiest tone of voice.

I think that he could at least wear a nice tuxedo while he's spanking me! And no, the carpet isn't red (I can tell you this for sure, as I spend lots of time staring at it) but something else gets that color at times.

Where he really shines (I can see his acceptance speech now) is the artful lecture.

THE OGRE!!

Thank you fans, thank you to the academy, but most of all I want to thank my lovely wife who has given me SO many opportunities to practice. She alone has listened to all of the countless hours when I work so hard to perfect my art. She alone has taught me that the lecture is most effective when she is over my knee, and really REALLY listening. Thanks to her loud feedback, I have learned exactly how to manage both hard swats and tough words, and I just cannot thank her enough. Thanks to my compliant, well, mostly willing, well...thanks to my wife that I have to wrestle over my knee at times, I have learned that an oscar-worthy lecture is when I request, no...require..no DEMAND her answers to my questions. Another tricky part of the art of the lecture "during" is that I have had to learn to recognize a new language..when she doesn't really talk..its more like a 'squeak' but over time I have become adept at recognizing a squeaky "yes sir" "no sir" "sorry" and "okay okay you are right".

It took me awhile, but I have now added to my craft the art of the "chronological" spanking technique along with the lecture. This is where I begin at the start of the event that caused my angel wife to end up with a spanking. I patiently walk her through the the tone, the gestures, the sass, and all of the things that landed her over my knee. She doesn't really show it, but I'm sure she must appreciate my good memory. As I recall each of these, and require her to recall them too, I just punctuate each of them to help her remember. I'm a big fan of punctuation in my work.

I don't have an agent to thank, I like to work alone, but thanks to my parents, for raising me to be such a hard ass, and thanks to her parents, for raising her to be such a hellion.

A Tail Of Two Tattoos

2012-02-24T13:26:00.000-08:00

It was a long time ago that we had this enlightening conversation.

He was leaving on a short trip and I felt like poking him a little bit.

Hey Babe?

Yeah?

I thought while you were gone I might check out that new place in town.

What new place?

You know..the tattoo spot.

Why would you do that?

To get a tattoo.

Huh. That's what you think you are going to do huh?

Yep- I really want one.

I know, but we have talked about this and you know how I feel about it. You just want one because I said its not allowed.

I know but, I mean no, that's not it..but..I just..

I'll tell ya what. You go ahead and get one. But while you are at it, you'd better get TWO.

Two?

Yeah Angel. And the second one might as well be a bullseye on your backside. Get the idea?

Dang.

If A Robot Wants To Comment I Guess Its Fine By Me

2012-02-23T12:44:00.001-08:00

I'm so ashamed.

I hate to even admit it, but I have been one of those.

I have been (hanging head) a ROBOT RACIST.

I have to confess, I was afraid of them.

In church, I will sit on the opposite pews if I think I see a robot.

And yes, there have been times on public airlines when, if I think a robot is on the flight with me, I get very uncomfortable and keep an eye on them the whole time. Then, when we finally land I give a little sigh of relief. I know, it's terrible but I think we have all done it.

I have crossed the street to avoid a robot.

But lately I have seen the light. Robots are people too (oh whatever, you know what I mean). I think robots are smarter then me because I can't even prove that I am NOT a robot when I want to comment on a blog somewhere. I spend a lot of time proving I'm not one myself.

Well, I have decided that robots are welcome here. If they have something to tell me, who am I to say they can't comment on my blog.

So I have taken the first step and disabled any feature on my blog that is discriminating against robots.

I'm a little worried that it's going to start something of a landslide. I mean, what's next?

Oh alright, I can see you whining already, space creatures, and I want to be fair so I guess..

Aliens welcome.

Doing DD Or A DD Couple?

2012-02-21T20:44:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I like to just take a concept and toss it around in my head for awhile.

See what sticks.

First of all, I'd like to preface this by saying that I don't have answers for anybody else..and I barely have them for myself! I am working some things out by identifying the "way" I think, and defining some goals for myself along the way.

For me saying we are "doing dd" vs being a "dd couple" is a way to help move my thoughts past a surface cooperation to a deeper level of commitment and submission. Is it an attitude? Well yes..it certainly can be. Its a mental jungle in my brain at times, as I wrap my head around ttwd, and what it means to me and to him.

When I work within the concept, when I accept all the ways dd is a tool in our marriage, then I find myself shining a light and kicking out the cobwebs that lurk in dark corners.

The dark corners are what I run into when I work to thwart dd, or try to find ways "around it" rather than within it. Its when my pride holds me hostage, or rebellion runs me ragged.

The difference may be as dramatic as night into day.

I have to dig deep at times to find the maturity to work as a "dd couple" and not just be "doing dd". I am pretty sure that my husband always thinks of us as a dd couple, indeed it seems to be just how he lives and breathes. For me its not quite that simple.

Sometimes I'm actively working against it. Fighting to hold onto something I no longer even want or need. Distance? Who needs it. Independence? Its not been lost to me..I still have exactly the amount that's best for him and me and for us. But the illusion is still there..so I'm battling with myself for no good reason.

Sometimes I'm just "floating". I'm not giving, not taking, not anything. I'm just.."there". I try not to get into any sort or trouble, or I might slip and get into trouble but deny it meant anything. Refuse to feel. Play it safe. Make sure I'm not distancing enough to get spanked for it.

Sometimes though, I stretch myself. Some hidden switch gets flipped inside my emotions and I am willing to risk more, to try harder, to see beyond the immediate. I see us more of a team, I embrace my role more fully, and I keep my eye on the goal.

When I do this, I take my "cooperation" to another level, something that propels me past "don't wanna but gonna" to embracing my role for the beauty of the role itself- as his woman, as his wife, as his partner and team member for life. Knowing he can't function without me and I can't function without him, and seeing his leadership as the key to functioning at our absolute strongest and best.

Asking myself where I want to be, not just at the end of the day, or end of the week, or year..but where do I want to be when we end our marriage life together, and slip from one another's arms. Was it a life worth living, and more importantly- was it a life worth living TOGETHER. Did we give it all we had to give?

I write about this because it helps me understand myself- to write is to learn is to grow is to stretch.

Stretching my thoughts..stretching my conceptual grasp, stretching, stretching stretching.

I'd say this was a "working weekend" when it comes to stretching myself. I'm all worn out from stretching.

Sunday I was dealing with some stress, and didn't even realize it fully. My husband was planning to finally leave on his trip with his friends. Four weeks later than planned, they had been having so many stops and starts it was making me go a little crazy. I can roll with schedule changes, but when our whole schedule is like quicksand, when I can't stand in one place without sinking, when there is nothing to really COUNT ON, because he might be leaving any day- it gets to be too much.

Supposedly, he was leaving. I had resigned myself to it, was going to miss him terribly but was also looking forward to the change, the break from submission, and being on my own for a short while.

I was getting ready to leave for church, ready to say goodbye when he came to me and said well..looks like we aren't going today after all, maybe we'll leave on Tuesday now..

Huh? I tried to change modes in my head but I was frustrated. Okay, I told him..then are you going to church with us? He said that he would take another of our cars, "catch up" with us, and then go to his hobby club afterwards.

I got mad. I was trying to roll with his plans, it was giving me whiplash..and now he couldn't drive to church and then go for lunch (our Sunday routine) with us?

Stress hit me like an avalanche and I raised my voice at him. He didn't say much, just started to defend himself. I felt emboldened because he didn't warn me to stop..so I said a few things I knew he would not appreciate. Borderline disrespect. Oh alright, run for the freakin border..disrespect.

He then gave me a warning, and I stopped. I could see his dark expression, his frustration at me, and then it hit me...how disappointed he must be to have the trip on hold once again. I hadn't even stopped to hold him, to say I was sorry it had fallen through. I was too caught up in feeling sorry for myself..

He said okay Sweetie, and then he said he'd hurry and go to church with us. Skip his club. Go to lunch with us and then help me get groceries (not our favorite job..either of us). He said he just wanted me to be happy.

So we hurried off to church, which is some distance away. The drive was uncomfortable. He had that "you are so spanked" look on his face..but he hadn't said I was in trouble.

I felt relieved I'd escaped but bothered by his body language. He looked tired, defeated, upset.

We got to church a little bit early, so I told him I'd take the kids in, then come back to the car so we could talk. Then on the way in I thought about what I should do or say.

I wanted him to know how sorry I was! I wanted to tell him that I should have just taken him in my arms, said "poor Baby" and comforted him, propped him up, supported him! Instead I'd attacked him. I'd shown a lack of respect. And if I said how sorry I was, he'd only think I was trying to ensure he wouldn't punish.

Deep breath. One way to show him that wasn't the case. I got back in the car and faced him.

Babe, I'm ashamed that I talked to you that way this morning. I wish I had been more mature! I wish I hadn't had a knee jerk reaction in response to your news. I know it looks like I'm upset you are not leaving, and that's not it at all! I am going to miss you so much, but I just want to KNOW your plans. I want to know that you are staying, or you are going..but I wanted to know. I want to be the kind of wife who supports you, even in times of stress for both of us. I guess this is stressing me out more than I realized. But that's no excuse. *another deep breath* I don't want you to think I'm saying this so you won't spank me, so...if you have unresolved feelings then I promise to submit to discipline without arguing about it, if that's what you decide to do. But I hope you won't.

(looking up at him hopefully)

SILENCE.

Uhh, are you going to? Are you going to spank me?

Yes.

Oh.

I was already planning on it. I can't allow that kind of thing between us.

Ohhh, okay. You didn't say you were!

(now I was getting sort of indignant)

I didn't want you to have to think about it all during church, and for hours until we get back home where I could deal with it.

Oh.

So much for my "I'm so mature" moment. Still, I had shown him it wasn't all about saving my hide. I had taken steps to show him where my heart was, what I wanted from myself, how I wanted to improve, and I'd accepted willingly the tool that dd is in our relationship. I'd marched in step with him as a dd couple, not just reluctantly allowing us to practice dd. I'd kept our goals in focus.

Its funny how, at a certain point in ttwd...a spot in the journey, it just becomes part of "knowing" what need to be done to resolve conflict, repair a connection, "reset" the roles.

I do believe that for every couple, it takes "something" to move from "doing dd" to "being a dd couple", perhaps an event or perhaps an amount of time. I hasten to say, that amount of time differs from couple to couple- some will achieve it seamlessly and effortlessly. That's not us! We are not the poster kids for any of this, but I do think that we have worked hard enough and long enough at this point, bumped our heads against the wall enough to know what our goals are.

It can change day to day..some days we operate at a surface level, "doing dd" and other days we find our rhythm, get in our groove, and make it look easy to be a "dd couple" and do it well. I'm a huge part of this equation, my heart and mind needs to get in step for him to lead the dance and not send us sprawling.

Back to our Sunday:

My moment of triumph was but a rapid shooting star. It lit up the sky, made me proud of myself, then burned out with a ZAP..leaving me shaking my head in the dark.

My attitude started to unravel a bit. We didn't go home right after church, we visited with friends for awhile. I thought about how stinkin rotten it was that I was getting a spanking, when HE wasn't even supposed to BE HERE. Harrummph.

Then we went to a grocery store. I hate shopping, but I was doing my best while he sort of "hung out" near the deli area. I was trying to find something, couldn't locate it, and was pouting and out of sorts on top of continuing my search for the item.

My husband, in the meantime, had run into some friends of his, and was chatting. As I came near to him, about half way down an aisle, he looked up, saw me, and smiled. "Ready when you are, Sweetheart" he said, and I guess he was wating for a response.

Without thinking through my actions at all, I turned and went the other direction.

I'll keep it simple and just say that my fate was sealed when his friends noticed my snub and said something to him about "better get going..your wife looks a bit wound up"..

My husband wrapped up our shopping endeavors, took me straight home, and taught me a lesson about respecting him in public.

It was a very rough lesson.

We did talk a bit, first, about the stress factors. I was able to tell him that I couldn't handle this trip business much longer, and I didn't try to be tough- I just said I needed a change and a step in my direction. He told me that he could see what I meant, and that if he hadn't left by Thursday, he was calling it off. That was a big relief for me, and I felt like I could make it that long without another meltdown.

When we fully understood one another and decisions had been made, it was time for me to face the consequences.

Before he began, he made sure that he was calm. He gave me as much time as I requested, even more than my "15 minute" rule. He even let me say anything I wanted to say in my defense.

What could I say? All I could say was that I was very sorry, and that I would accept my punishment. I told him I realized why it was very wrong, and that I'd been impulsive and hadn't thought about how it would look to others, that I would never intentionally embarrass him like that.

I also told him that if he ever did that to me in front of my friends I'd be pretty crushed.

He felt strongly that he needed to make it pretty unforgettable.

He also lectured me all throughout the spanking, and had me answer his questions so that he was sure I got the message. I had to tell him that yes, I deserved what I got. Yes, I knew he couldn't let it go.

After a short break and more lecture, I got spanked for my behavior that morning as well.

Then, it was over and resolved. He told me that it was completely forgiven, that he wouldn't think about it anymore, and that he loved me in spite of my implusive fiery nature.

He said the only thing that would make him feel better was if he was allowed to tell his friend that he had spanked me good..for the way they had seen me treat him.

(he's not allowed, and I knew he was joking, so I knew I was safe from such a thing!)

I felt pretty bad about the whole thing for awhile, even though I knew it was over. I wish it hadn't happened, I regretted my mistake, but I also knew I was forgiven fully.

Before dd we would have had a huge fur-flying fight about something like that. We would have fought until we were both emotionally wounded and probably exhausted. Then we would have most likely withdrawn to our corners or buried ourselves in distractions like the kids or our friends or work. I would have tried to defend my actions and found a way to blame him or make him look silly for caring so much. The disconnect would have continued until we were driven by necessity to make up, or "fake up".

Now, however, there was no fight.

No withdawl to our corners.

No blaming him or pretending it didn't happen.

No half-hearted apology just to shut him up.

No "fake up" and no break up.

We took the steps that we have defined in our marriage as the way we handle this type of thing, we followed the code of conduct and the chain of command that works best for our present and our future.

That's the way we do things.

Now that we are a dd couple.

Sassy Saturdays

2012-02-20T12:58:00.001-08:00

I don't know what it is.

Maybe its the change in routine.

Maybe the weekend just feels more free...I let down my guard.

Maybe he's just a pain in the ass on Saturdays?

Scratch that. He's definitely a pain in the ass on Saturdays. That's because I usually get in some kind of trouble on Saturdays..and I'm starting to finally recognize it.

OH don't get me wrong. I don't get sideways with him every Saturday.

Sometimes he's not here :)

I was just pushing him a little I guess. I got a little sassy..just a little, but then corrected it quickly. So he walked away and was fine. Then I was on the phone and he interrupted me and I snapped at him..just a teensy bit. That wasn't good at all. He asked me who was on the other line..and its a good thing it wasn't one of my parents. He gave me a warning. Oh dang..

Then he was talking to me about some household item I had ordered, and I thought he was criticizing me, and I got defensive and and told him that next time he can just do it himself!

He said one more word of sass and that's it..and then I turned to walk away but I muttered (really quietly!) sort of under my breath "yeah yeah..one more word.."

That's when he said "Go wait in the shed you sassy thing...I haven't even had lunch yet today, and I guess I'm going to have to straighten you out and get you back on the right path early.."

Speaking of sassy, I had on some sassy panties. They were so smokin cute..and I knew he might get a little distracted by them.

Sassy.

I loved the splash of green, the black lace, the hipster style, and the sassy zebra print. They were just so me...

(by the way, if you have not already discovered this..lace has no business on your bum after a spanking..it hurts! its so annoying, its a little like getting spanked again...)

He stopped when he saw them.

"Hey, these are new. These are cute! Too bad they have to come off under this type of circumstance.."

Yes..way too bad!

He still spanked me of course, but I like to think that I distracted him enough to lessen the duration. It wasn't really that awful of a spanking. In any case, he got his angel back, and I said I was really really sorry for having a sassy Saturday.

"Come here, you sexy thing..its okay. No more sass today, you hear?"

"Yes Honey. I hear you."

I went from sassy to sexy to super sweet and submissive.

Hey, whatever gets me through another Saturday..

(good thing I got a pair in every color)

Bahama Mama

2012-02-18T15:29:00.000-08:00

I didn't want to go out on Valentine's Day after all.

We had just gotten so busy, it would have been rushing it.

We decided to skip the crowded restaurants and wait to go out the next night.

On our usual date nights, we always go to the same place-our favorite. We both order the same menu item, and he orders me a drink and I always get the same thing. We both eat half of our meal, and take it home. Then we both eat our leftovers for lunch together! Yeah, we are sort of in a rut but we like the predictability and familiarity of our little date routine.

This time we thought we'd try somewhere new. We got to the restaurant and it was very quiet and non-busy. Now all the tables had been decorated for Marti Gras, not a Valentine heart in sight. I liked it that way.

We had fancy masks on our table, with feathers on them. I wanted to put them on and scoot down in our secluded booth and then scare the waitress when she approached us in the dark room. Then eat our dinner wearing them.

(see what he has to put up with? I just always want to have some FUN!)

He said no Angel...we are not going to put on the masks and scare the nice lady. Take that off.

I wanted to order a drink. We looked at the drink menu and he frowned. They didn't have my usual drink on there. The one we know is safe for me. The one that I can drink and still walk to the car afterwards. The one that doesn't get me in any trouble later.

Sorry, Angel..I don't think you should get anything.

Oh, really? Okaaay, I guess you are right.

He ordered his drink, and I decided it was fine. I didn't care that much. But I picked up the menu and lingered another moment.

Oh! Here's one, Babe! I could order this one...ask for them to water it down, and tell them to NOT mix the rums. I will just pick one kind of rum and be sure they don't put both in there.

Well...

Its perfect! Its called the Bahama Mama. Ooh, Babe..I wanna!

Okay.

I was already thousands of miles away..daydreaming of a beach somewhere.

He wasn't so sure about it. He pays close attention to what I drink, and makes sure I have a certain amount of food with it. I just don't handle most kinds of alcohol well at all..and I really just don't drink except when we are together.

The drink came and it was perfect. It had all the little touches that I like. I like my drinks to be pretty with detailed garnishes and of course an umbrella meant for mice.

It was delicious too.

We ate our meal, talked, laughed, teased one another, and talked about plans for the next few weeks.

While we talked, I can't remember how it got brought up but he mentioned something about a woman he knew..years ago. I happened to know she was after him, at the time, and I teased him a little. I am not the jealous type AT ALL..but he is..so I once in awhile give as good as I get in that department. He would be asking me a ton of questions if I talked about any man from my past. I only bugged him a little bit about her. I didn't really care...she's a homewrecker but my home is safe.

He said something that I hadn't known about. Harmless but still new to me. That woman..she's a cry for help. I winked at him, and smarted off..

Well Baby, its a good thing I know how we roll. Yep..have to agree...its better to just keep these kind of things to ourselves.

What?

You know. Just keeping each other in the dark. Its probably better in the long run..

Oh knock it off. Don't play that game. Anyway, its different with you...I need to know stuff so that I can protect you.

No you don't! I can take care of myself!

Uh huh. Sure. Shall we go into some of the naive trouble you have stumbled into in the past with men? Because you are too trusting?

(ignoring him) That's right, Hon..we need not bother each other with any silly little thing that might come up..just ya know..its good to KNOW what our policy is about that kind of thing.

Hee hee, this is fun. This kind of stuff drives him crazy...

Okay Babydolll, you have had your fun. We both know that you are not to keep anything from your husband. So I think its time to stop this line of talk now.

Oh whatever..you are just NO fun...won't even wear a mask...sheeesh!

We left the restaurant and got in the car. I just kept going. I was having too much fun with him!

And in the future, I will just be sure that I don't bother you with stuff. I will remember that its okay to keep some things to myself because that's what YOU do, and what's good for the goose is good for the gander! I crack me up... After all, I am SURE that guy didn't mean anything when he said that to me..its nothing I need to tell my hubby about..

You'd better stop.

Huh?

I told you in the restaurant that I had heard enough. I wanted you to have your fun teasing me..but its gone far enough. I am your husband, you know how I feel about any sort of hiding or deception, and its starting to sting a bit- so I am TELLING you now..that is ENOUGH.

(giggling) Oh Honey..don't be silly. I only want to tell you that NOW I get it..that I understand how its okay to keep stuff to ourselves if we just don't want to share. What you don't know won't hurt you..

Stormy, stop. Just stop it right now. If you say one more word implying that you are out to deceive me, or that you would keep something important from me, then I am going to stop this car. I am going to find somewhere secluded, and I'm going to SPANK YOU.

You would NOT!

Yes I would. I will pull up your skirt, pull down your panties, put you over my knee and spank you until you come to your senses. I promise you that you will regret it if you keep pushing me, and I promise that you will have a new memory in this car that you aren't going to like. What do you think about that?

I think you are PISSING me off! I really hate it when he gets descriptive..grrrrrr

That's the rum talking. I'll let you have that. Are you listening to me now?

Gosh, look at his face. He's serious about this.

That REALLY doesn't sound like a fun way to end our date...ouchie...

Maybe I should have just had the Bahama, hold the Mama???

Okay okay! Yes. I'm listening to you...I'm sorry. I was just playing?!

Yeah I know..at first. Then it went too far.

I'm sorry.

Its alright Angel.

And that was that. I wasn't in trouble, and I had actually heeded a warning in time! That's progress. We started a new conversation..a much safer conversation for my backside.

But next time he starts making all kinds of noise, I might just tune him out.

I might just lean back in my chair, adjust my sunglasses, turn on my iPod, and dig my toes a little deeper into the sand as the breeze tickles the back of my neck.

After all.

I'm the Bahama Mama.

I Can't Resist

2012-02-17T16:30:00.000-08:00

Just a little bit of silliness.

I'd never ever think like this.

Nope-Its just for you other submissive wives...

and of course this isn't my t-shirt either...

DD Ain't For Sissies (Part Two)

2012-02-16T15:47:00.000-08:00

It was morning.

I woke up in a pouty mood.

I was sore, mad, and a little bit tied up in knots because I wasn't sure what I should be feeling or thinking.

Clearly I needed coffee.

I headed downstairs and stopped in my tracks when I saw the dining room table and these..

Oh how I love red Carnations! He had put a big vase of them on the table, along with a box of chocolates and a card. The wonderful thing about Carnations is that they last a very long time, and they look just as fresh as the day you got them. They smell softly sweet, not overpowering, like a friendship that matters more to you as it deepens. They don't fade quickly, like a flash romance or a surface infatuation. They are more like real love to me..while to me red Roses are trite and overdone and he knows I just don't care for them.

(yes those are my actual flowers- I had to take a picture and keep them even longer!)

Holding the flowers, I found myself overwhelmed with conflicting emotions.

Reading the card only made me feel worse. It was so real, so him, so us. I loved it.

I really really wished I wasn't upset with him, but facts are facts are facts and I was.

I had a card for him too, and he was leaving for work, so I rushed to make his lunch and wanted to sneak the card into his bag. I finished his lunch and snuck into the living room with the card and a pen, trying to get my thoughts together and write something loving and intelligible.

He came in, asking me what I had put in his lunch. I was annoyed and thinking go look in your lunch bag, duh? But I answered him.

He came in again, with another question. I was trying to hide the card and answer him and I had a grumpy look on my face as I answered him.

He came closer and said "Don't even bother giving me a card right now. Not when you are clearly pissed off at me about last night. I'd rather wait to get a card from you when you are sincere!"

Well, la te FRICKIN da! He's got a lotta nerve..

I was hurt. I jumped up and threw the card down on the couch. "As far as I know, I still get to decide WHO I give a card to, and WHEN I give it! Or do you need to control that too? Huh?"

Ooops, sooo spankable...dang!

He stood quietly, then said "Consider that a freebie..because I know you are struggling with something right now. But don't push it one more second, do you understand me?"

Yes. I did.

Then he left, without the card.

I had time to grab a little yellow sticky note and stuff it into his bag. I scribbled quickly. "Be safe. I love you. See you tonight."

He called a few times and we were kind and civil. I was respectful because I knew I was already on thin ice with him.

Now the challenge: How to talk to him without appearing challenging and adversarial? How to help him see my point of view without getting in more trouble? How to share my thoughts without seeming critical and putting him on the defensive?

He's very confident about ttwd. He makes discipline decisions, and he doesn't second guess himself about it very often at all. He will listen, but proceed.

You needn't ever worry about me being a shrinking violet, slowly sinking into the soil in dispair. I am more like a bright pansy, turning her face to the sun, laughing at the windstorm and popping right back up when the calm breezes return.

I always have my say, even if my rear has to pay for it at times, when my delivery is out of line. I will never be able to stuff my feelings for long..our relationship is authentic and real and raw, and neither of us is ever content to just "float" for long at all.

My thoughts are valid, my emotions are important, and I will be heard.

DD is never meant to be a one-sided operation, it has to fit both of you, it has to work so that one person doesn't just feel stifled or controlled, and it has to keep giving you the sense that you are on the same team, working toward the same goals.

My husband is a fantastic listener, when I am respectful. When I am not attacking, or when he isn't feeling attacked.

He's the kind who really REALLY cares about my ideas, my thoughts, my opinions, and how I process things in our marriage. He is never okay with something being "off" between us. He is simply not even capable of forgetting about it and just letting the chips fall where they may..

It makes him crazy if I am not happy or content, or if I am upset with him.

All this to say that I knew he would listen to me, if I could find the right approach, and have the ability to share my conflicted emotions in a soft gentle way that connected us rather than seemed to have a fighting stance.

I waited for the right time. I acted sweet and kind and loving to him as best I could- and I realized my anger was fading in the duration.

Do you know that when you preface something to somebody, provide a disclaimer before you start, that you immediately put them on guard? You cause the opposite reaction from what you are going for.

For example, if my husband says "Now, I don't want you to be upset about this but _____" then I am already upset about it! Its as if he said "Now Babydoll, this is going to tick you off so _______". I'm definitely ticked off before he gets going, and I'm ready to be even more ticked off.

I have learned to just simply dive in to a conversation rather than set it up.

And that's what I did. I simply told him that I wasn't happy about last night, that I was trying not to be angry about it, that I knew I had a spanking coming because my behavior had broken clear rules, BUT that somehow I couldn't help thinking different choices from both of us would have resulted in less intensity.

He listened carefully, but I could see he was tense and growing upset. It was clearly time for him to speak his mind on all of it.

So it was my turn to listen.

Back and forth we went, but with kindness and respect.

He told me that he was right to do what he did, because he never once heard any respectful response from me. I had to agree. I told him that just because I needed to talk about all of it, didn't mean that for one second..I thought I was not wrong.

I told him that I had taken advantage of him, been rude, dismissive, sassy, and had obviously disobeyed.

He liked that I was willing to admit all of that, and he leaned forward with a lot less defensive body language. I told him that I appreciated less "HOH-y" type responses. (he laughs at that word..but he gets it)

Then I said "but what would have it looked like if you had stopped harassing me?" "What would have been my response if you had dropped it?"

He thought a lot about why he had been unwilling to let it go. And he drew the conclusion that he always seems to draw- he should have been more strict, he should have acted sooner, he should not have put up with so much.

I protested but he asked me some pointed questions and I had to reluctantly conclude he was correct. He backed way up and said he should have spanked me 3 days ago. Dang. Yeah..I guess.

Then he said since he didn't do that, he should have spanked me when he got home that day.

Oh whatever...okay..I guess.

He said his upset feelings came from feeling played, not taking care of things when he should have, and then my response to his leniency was sassy, flippant, behavior that seemed to blow him off.

Ugh. Okay Babe...I see what you mean..

As we talked, we identified a very important cycle:

It was eye opening!

It kind of goes like this:

When he gets all stern and angry acting, it makes me feel sassy and feel like fighting back. It kills any submission I might be feeling, should be feeling. When I get to resisting his authority, it feeds his resolve and sense of purpose in TTWD, and he tightens the screws on me..which in turn makes me want to resist more, and it even turns into contempt and disrespect...which only serves to make him more determined to quell the rebellion.

We talked at length about how each part of the cycle loops us back around and ends up in frustration for both of us. Ends up in hard consequences for me, and him feeling like he still isn't getting the contrite spirit he hopes for.

Further, he told me that he is very tired of me arguing about discipline.

And he told me he has put up with it a long time, but its time for me to work on this, its time for me to make some major steps in this area.

He said he remembers me one time quietly submitting without a single word of protest or argument.

Really? Once...wow. I didn't know I was THAT bad...that can't be right?!

Regardless, its his perception and that's important. Just as important as mine is.

We kept talking about how to find our way our of the cycle. In Love and Respect, they talk about the "crazy cycle" and through that study series, we had learned to identify when we were in it. Now, in ttwd we could see a new cycle. Just as crazy..but we are a lot more capable now of navigating through tough spots.

He said that he can see how and why he had slipped into some angry responses. He said that from now on, he will be choosing to discipline as soon as he identifies some unresolved frustration rising in him. As long as he is calm and decisive, he feels that my response should be also calm..and submissive. He said while he has been consistent, he has started to allow small things to build up.

He asked me to trust his decisions, show respect, and said when I get away with small things, they build quickly.

We realized its time to back way away from that line, where he feels like the goalie and I'm trying to score on him. Where I fight his authority and he thrashes me for it.

Its time to set some new goals, remember that we are on the same team, and move forward with that innate knowledge.

It was, as we are learning..our next break through.

(why must I always feel a break through..literally..for a couple of days? A good reminder I guess..)

We had made a lot of headway, we had both been heard, and I think we both felt somewhat renewed as we breathed deeply, found comfort in one another, and were able to rest..trusting in each other's good intentions.

We fell asleep holding hands instead of locking horns.

The next day, he came to me and kissed me sweetly. Then he took a deep breath. "Okay Angel..we have identified some areas that need changing. From now on..and for awhile, tasks that I give you will come with a time, not a day. For example, I might say 'I'd like you to straighten the dressers in the bedroom, and I'd like it done by 4 pm so we have time together after that' and you should NOT consider it a suggestion."

Okaaay..

And if its not done by that time, and you have not asked me about changing it, or explained why you might need more time, then its an immediate spanking. I will spank you without any frustration on my part, and you will submit without any arguing on your part. Are we clear?

Ummmm...

Okay. We are clear.

Dang!

Of course I took him at his word and all went very well and I obeyed immediately and there was no testing the new rule.

(Okay. You got me- but that's another story.)

Last night he said something insulting to me and I lashed back angrily. He told me "Okay Fiesty, you just bought yourself a spanking". I started to protest but I said one word- and then I remembered what I am supposed to be working on. So I quietly asked where he wanted me to go for the discipline. He was surprised, but he sent me there.

When he showed up he asked me if I wanted the kind of marriage where I could freely raise my voice and show disrespect to my husband.

No, I don't.

Okay. Well..I'm going to change my mind this time and not choose to spank you, because I said something to hurt your feelings, and I didn't mean to. And its late and you are tired, and maybe you didn't have the patience to guard your response.

Huh? Who is this guy?

I hugged him and kissed him and told him that I was really sorry..and I would be more careful in the future. And I thanked him for not spanking me for it.

I trust him.

His decisions are good ones, meant for our benefit, even when I don't agree or don't like it.

We have to give each other grace, we have to recognize when we aren't on the same page, but above all in this dd lifestyle, we have to find a new wave of trust each and every day. When we doubt, when we falter, when we want to turn and run in the other direction- its enough to just TRUST and with that trust firmly in place, then simply communicate.

Love isn't about give and take, love is GIVE. We have to communicate because to talk and share is to give. So we have to give each other the chance to be heard, and we have to give each other the opportunity to listen.

Then we give each other the time to make changes for the better.

We protect, we discuss, we debate, we ride the tough stuff out, we forgive freely, we never stop growing, and we love fiercely.

Because DD ain't for sissies.

DD Ain't For Sissies (Part One)

2012-02-15T16:32:00.000-08:00

I had another title for this post.

I was going to call it "All I Need To Know I Should Have Learned In Kindergarten".

Like..

Don't slam doors.

Don't call names.

Use inside voices.

and...

SHUT UP isn't a nice thing to say.

Recently we had one of those kind of spanking events I call World War III's.

I avoid them like the plague.

I also cause them.

I cause them to happen through a series of my own choices.

However,

as all of us in this DD lifestyle know all too well.

He had given me a few tasks over the weekend. I meant to do them, but was distracted and busy, and sensed his good mood and thought he might not notice. Well, he did notice but I asked sweetly "can I do them tomorrow?".

Now, I'm giving away all my secrets here (don't I always) but I have learned a few ways to "work him" and one of them is this: When I have a deadline and he gives me a last warning, I say "okay..I'll do it right now!" but all the while fully knowing that he doesn't like me to work at chores in the evening.

I know he prefers to have my company, as we spend every evening cozily together and never do much separately. Its our time and its important to us.

I have been using this knowledge to my advantage.

When I say I'll do it right now, he doesn't spank me, because I would indeed "catch up" if he told me to. But because he doesn't want me to take the time away from him, I am home free until the next day.

Beautiful arrangment huh?

Not really. It was catching up to me without me realizing it. He didn't realize it either, but he was growing more and more impatient with me. He said okay, I could do it the next day, but he expected it done.

He was gone the whole day, and I enjoyed my freedom a little too much, and I did only half of one chore.

He was quite upset when he got home and I said "Okay...sorry! I had kids here all day..we had a cupcake-decorating party! Here..have a cupcake?" He was not happy. Sparkles and sprinkles and frosting..oh MY. Lets just say the kitchen didn't exactly sparkle except where we dropped silver glitter.

But he hadn't even complained about it. He was focused only on the tasks he had assigned me.

I said I would certainly do it. He said no, I want to watch a movie with you.

Aha! Worked again..

Not so much. He went in the kitchen to make us some popcorn and he came back, clearly upset. He started in on me about my neglect of the tasks he had assigned me. I knew better than to give him a dismissive hand wave, but in my head I sure did. I told him okay okay, lets just watch the movie. He said what did you do all day? I flippantly told him he had no idea of all that I had accomplished. He sat quietly, smoke coming out of his ears.

Yikes, that's sort of scary-looking..I know how to read smoke signals...

He started to scold me again. I cut him off impatiently. Okay okay..got it dude..

He told me okay..you WILL HAVE THIS DONE tomorrow or you will get a hard spanking. Are we clear?

Yep. Got it. Now turn the movie on, wouldya? Stop pausing it!

He started in on me again.

Look, buddy..I got it. Now please lets move on so that I don't say something I regret? I think you just want to provoke me so you can spank me...(grrrrrrr)

He turned the movie back on.

We watched it for awhile. He looked tense..

Then he paused it and turned to me.

Are you kidding me? More?

Look Angel, I just want to be sure that we are clear and that you know why I am upset. You had time to do this, I already gave you grace..

At this point, he was sounding like Charlie Brown's teacher to me. I was thinking. I just wanna watch this damn movie.

Enough already!

Shut up!

Only I actually didn't just think it.

I actually said SHUT UP to my husband..

I stared at him in shock and began to back away slowly. He put down the remote and just looked at me. The ticking of the clock was the only sound for a few moments.

Then he calmly told me we would be going out to the shed. Did I want to go now or finish the movie?

What movie? Eeeeep.

I said "Neither?"

He said fine, he would decide and he flipped it back on.

I sure don't remember the rest of the movie. I sat in complete dread and hoped it would never end.

When the credits rolled, I followed him obediently out there with a sweet submissive nature.

Oh alright. He might have needed to drag me to get me started in the right direction.

It was an awful hard spanking, but I just didn't feel all that sorry. I really felt like he had poked and prodded and provoked me! I cried and yelled with anger..and pain but no remorse was happening.

When he finished, he allowed me up and I complained to him bitterly..blaming him and telling him to stop lecturing me..

Yeah.

Brilliant Stormy...

He put me back over his lap immediately.

Round 2.

Sniff. Sob. Sorry!

What are you sorry for?

SILENCE.

Here we go again..

Finally he stopped. I was crying and saying sorry. He let me get up but I didn't fall into his arms and he let me go. This time I made it to the door and got my shoes on. Hand on the door..even.

He was studying my face and my body language. I guess he didn't like what he saw.

"I'm not seeing the attitude I would expect to see at this point, Angel. But rest assured..I WILL before you leave here.."

And he got the paddle right back out, and took me back to the couch.

Round 3 or 4?

I wasn't feeling very strong willed by this point.

Okay okay! Please..I'm sorry! I'll never tell you to shut up..ever again!

Really? You mean my wife is not going to say shut up to her husband ever again? I would really hope NOT.

Yes Sir. I mean, no SIR. I promise!

He held me and I cried and I really really wanted to feel the guilt and shame I should have been feeling. I didn't feel contrite at all. I knew I was wrong, but I really wanted to blame him.

Why do I do this? *banging head*

I can't expect perfection from either of us. He's always growing, always getting more in tune with me, always learning to read me better. But dang it, he provoked me!

You told him to shut up. You didn't expect a stinkin spanking?

Yeah..but I wouldn't have said that if he WOULD have shut up..earlier..

But you dropped the ball on the tasks, and you were totally playing him, counting on out gaming him..

Well...but...yeah...but...

And he was lenient because you asked him to be, and you took advantage of that.

Okay, there's that but still....

I had a major argument with myself, and no real conclusion except that we needed to talk. I needed to somehow find a way to talk this through, discover what went awry and where...and I needed to do it without making him feel I was blaming him for getting in trouble.

Or making him think I was dodging my own faults.

I knew things were not okay with us, because I was mad at him.

I got a stinkin spanking, and I was mad at him over it.

I deserved it- I'd been disrespectful, rude, dismissive, edgy...and I'd played him. But still.....it hadn't needed to turn into World War III. I'd brought some things to the table and so had he.

One good thing about us as we have evolved as a dd couple is that we are always looking for improvement. We have experienced so many break throughs together, that we have developed a mindset of always looking for the next one. He thinks this way more than I do, but with his influence and leadership in this direction, I have learned to strive for it too.

We had some things to talk about and work out.

And we did.

But I'm out of time and that's going to have to be Part Two.

Just A Recent Conversation

2012-02-13T15:31:00.000-08:00

Hey Babe I need to tell you something

What's up, Babydoll?

I've been kind of mad at you because you spanked me.

I knew that. I thought I'd give you some space to sort it out.

Yeah, thanks.

So you aren't mad at me anymore?

No.

Well that's great! So you wanna be my girlfriend?

(giggling) Yep..I sure do...

Good, do you wanna go out with me tomorrow night for Valentine's?

Yeah!

Okay, but it seems like I take you on a date every week.

Well, not EVERY week..and besides, I'm worth it.

Yes you sure are. Do you think I could talk you into maybe making me a sandwich?

Already made you one- its in the fridge.

You're a good girl.

Yeah..every now and then.

Planes, Trains, And Automobiles

2012-02-12T17:08:00.000-08:00

I'm not a plane.

I'm not a train.

I'm not an automobile.

These things need maintenance..

I am not these things, therefore I do NOT need maintenance.

Sometimes he mentions it.

I listen carefully and respectfully.

No really...

Well, I try to keep an open mind. He is a believer in the concept, it makes perfect sense to him. I guess its especially nice for me that he also cares deeply about my thoughts, opinions, preferences, and desires concerning the subject. He doesn't really force the issue, although he has done maintenance-type spankings once or twice.

Once he said that maybe I need daily maintenance.

Say whaaaa?

I told him I didn't think so.

(He said I told him to "piss off" or something like that. As if! I told him that if I am allowed to say that, then its going on my list of things that I am still allowed to say. His reply? I wouldn't put it on the list if I were you...)

I have mentioned it before in a manipulative way (who, me?) like if I am already in hot water:

Hey, Babe..I have been thinking. You're right..maybe we should do maintenance.

Nice try, and we can talk about that. But right now you are in trouble and that's not what we are going to do to settle it.

Dang.

Well this past week my husband was supposed to go out of town for about four or five days. Something for fun instead of for business. I was very supportive, I wanted to see him go have some relaxing time with a few buddies.

The trip got delayed, and then he didn't go- but he left town overnight for a quick business trip instead.

I'm not really sure what happened to my attitude but it went awry. I slipped into a "miss independent" mode and I felt very unsubmissive. I suppose its because in my mind he was not going to be home all week, and now here he was- and although I love and adore him and enjoy his company, I thought I was going to be ON MY OWN for a little while.

He came home, and I still acted like I was on my own...

He didn't like it one bit, but he wanted to give me a chance to come around without discipline for distancing.

He kept reaching out to me, pulling me onto his lap, telling me how much he missed me, and how I needed to drop the distancing tactics.

I said ALL the right things, assured him that I would, and then I'd go right back to acting the same way.

I just couldn't flip that internal switch, no matter how I tried! I just couldn't get back to feeling submissive or obedient. I did what I could to just stay out of trouble, chores and etc. I was acting compliant but was a million miles away and rejecting, while not ignoring, his soft warnings and attempts to put me back on track.

He let it go for about two and a half days. Then he said he was DONE, and I was running out of time and chances.

It was bedtime, and I felt desperate to run the other direction..mad about the "thin ice" warning, and I threw out a major bomb. I said I was NOT going to sleep upstairs with him.

LONG SILENCE.

(ooops, Stormy..you idiot!)

He walked slowly up to me. Looked down at me. Then he calmly said he was going upstairs and I could follow him, or else I could just expect a serious spanking in the morning if I decided to sleep elsewhere. (its a strict rule in our marriage that I never sleep anywhere but in our bed with him) He said I could make my choice, but he had been clear about it.

Of course I obeyed.

Then the next day, subtle distancing. Ugh..not good! But I was really really stuck in this mode..prisoner of my own history and bad habits.

He came to me and took my coffee cup out of my hand and set it on the counter. He does this thing where he removes whatever I am holding, because I will try to hide behind anything when I am in this mode- a basket of laundry, a pillow, a cat! I can hide behind a pencil given half a chance.

When he does this, its always a sign to me that he is dead serious.

He told me, sadly, that he didn't see any option for him but to give me a serious spanking for the days of distancing and rejecting his affection. I searched his face for any signs of something that I could use, and I saw reluctance in his eyes. Still, I knew I was sunk.

He really had given me every possible chance, even more than I might usually get. He knew the change of plans was frustrating for me, and he said he "didn't want to be a hard ass" about it, and he really had tried to be patient...

I started talking fast..throwing anything out there that might give me a chance. I told him that I knew I had been wrong, but I didn't know what to do, and aren't we "results oriented"? (a term we use) And doesn't he just want to get me on track? And how about if we do maintenance?

He said he didn't expect results when he had let days go by, when he should have corrected this right away the night he got home.

Then he said yes, he had decided that I was getting both maintenance and punishment, separately..but it was up to me, and I could affect his decision.

Oh just great...don't screw this up Stormy..lets just stick with the first one..

It was very hard to get my head around it, but maybe it was easier because it was my last chance. He's pretty much a natural when it comes to lecturing, "during", and I hoped it wouldn't be just focused on my mistakes.

It wasn't.

Angel, I love you. I need you to follow my leadership because its what we have agreed on. I need you to accept my authority and know that I want the best for us. When you resist, it affects our family in negative ways. When you push me away, it affects us all badly. I have asked for your submission, and I need for you to show me that you are submitting to me. I want to lead us, and I don't want you to thwart me or make my job harder than it already is. Is that understood? And I expect you to be kind. Do we agree? And I expect you to have a good attitude. Am I making myself clear? I will lead and you will follow..do you intend to do that? Can I count on you for that? I am proud of your efforts in this area.

( I answered all of his questions as best as I could)

Every sentence or so, he delivered a set of hard swats, and I prayed that my heart would soften and I would really hear his words and find a way to let him back in, and just give up this "whatever" I was holding onto.

It wasn't easy to submit to a spanking that wasn't punishment and didn't make a lot of sense to me, but I know that it certainly helped me accept it, that we had talked it over together and we were on the same team.

I didn't cry, and I nearly always cry when he spanks me.

When he finished he allowed me up and he held me and we talked for quite awhile. I wouldn't say I had a break down or any kind of huge emotional release or triumph..but he did get through to me. I did somehow get back on track, and get right in my head about our roles..and what he expects of me.

Then he told me that its time to do something about the way we handle his out-of-town trips.

He said he goes out of town, and comes home to another woman.

What? Who is she? Let me at her, why I oughtta...

oh- its me he's talking about....sigh...

He told me he doesn't know why it happens, but I pull away, I forget about being submissive, and I get totally off track, and I nearly ALWAYS get in trouble when he returns.

(if you read this blog you know this pattern is pretty established...dang it.)

My ogre told me that from now on, if he leaves me for even 12 hours then we WILL be doing maintenance when he gets back. Period.

Harummph, its not maintenance, its "role affirmation" Mister....

I asked if we could please do this on a trial basis, and then evaluate how its going at a later date, and he said of course Angel.

So there ya go.

I am not a plane, train, or automobile.

I don't need maintenance.....

But maybe, just maybe (and I'm just saying maybe..)

I need role affirmation.

Spoken Like A Wool Blanket

2012-02-10T12:49:00.000-08:00

If you are a woman, you do it.

If you are a man, you hear it.

If you are a wife, you employ it.

If you are a husband, you avoid it.

Criticism.

"A woman's flattery may inflate a man's head a little, but her criticism goes straight to his heart and deflates it, so that it may never again hold quite as much love for her in it."

Helen Rowland.

Ouch.

I am not saying I agree with this quote entirely, but it certainly makes a valid point that can open our eyes if we let it.

We woman all criticize our husbands at times. We do it so easily, we don't even know it we are doing it at times.

The problem is- when you are speaking it, you don't always realize what he is hearing.

If you were to ask my husband, he would probably say that yes, I am too critical of him. If you ask me, however, I'd say "oh no...I sure wouldn't want to criticize my husband..I'm just talking about my feelings.."

You see, what they hear is sometimes totally different than what we say. What our intentions were at the beginning of the conversation, and what we are hoping he hears.

Men want to be our heroes and give us everything we need. Even everything we want! They love to see into our hearts and minds. They are lousy at reading minds, hints, or head games.

They would really like us to be more straightforward, like fixing a dishwasher.

Oh would you look here? Looks like a lid from the margarine dish got stuck in there, and that caused the spinner to stop operating..okay- take it out...GOOD AS NEW."

They put it all back together, dust their hands together, and leave feeling like a success.

Woman are so complicated, and our nuances are often lost on them. Men are actually most comfortable, and happiest doing the things they know they are already best at doing. So when it comes to trying something new with their spouse, they feel vulnerable and even a bit shy and uncertain- so they get kind of stuck for awhile. They go into process mode..which means nothing happens for awhile.

Trying something they don't know much about is not very fun for them.

That's why most men won't say something like "OH, look Sweetie..a new ballroom dancing class is starting at the community center next week- lets sign up and try that!"

They know they won't be automatically good at it, and they might get criticized or make a fool of themselves in front of other people.

Now there are times we wives know that we are being critical. We are feeling lost, frustrated, angry..and we start firing shots at our men while they duck and dodge.

But there are also many many times that we simply don't know how they are hearing our words, we really REALLY don't mean to be critical at all.

It always helps me, being a very visual person, to make a word picture to remind me of something..to keep it in the front of my mind.

Think of criticism of your man like this:

When any words flow through your mind, drop down to your tongue, get propelled to your lips and formed into shapes and sounds and come out sounding like criticism to your man- its as if a

big thick wool blanket

has instantly covered him up. Suddenly he can't see you for who you really are, he can't think straight, and he cannot HEAR any more. There is quite simply a wall that has dropped down between you.

Who you really are is his lover, his companion, his wife who adores him and wants the best for both of you.

Who he sees and hears is somebody who thinks he's not adequate, needs fixing, and is not happy in spite of his best efforts.

That big thick wool blanket drops hard. Once it drops, it can't be lifted back up easily and tossed aside..because he is already engulfed in its depths. He already cannot hear and he cannot move on.

He wants to stay in the blanket where its safe.

He can no longer hear anything you are saying, even if its positive, helpful, loving, sexy, and ultimately showing admiration for who he is.

Men hurt, they bleed, they die inside just like we do. They are just as fragile, in a different way. If you don't criticize him, it won't make everything instantly okay- but he will begin to heal..he will start to feel safe, and he will peek out from under the blanket.

When you criticize him, even in subtle ways, he feels unsafe around you.

You need to be his soft place to fall, a shelter from the rest of the world that might be making him feel lacking in some way.

I read many dd blogs, and often there is an underlying theme that goes said or unsaid...(and I am just as guilty, so don't get me wrong here) and its that husbands are being criticized for their words, actions, or inactions.

Sometimes lamenting their lack of consistency (I whine about the opposite-but I am still being critical!) or their lack of understanding or their lack of something. Sometimes saying that they really don't "get it". Sometimes saying that yeah, I want to submit but only if they do this..

I know women and how we think and we really don't intend to THROW THE BLANKET.

We want him to see us and hear us, and know our wonderful giving hearts! We want the very best for our connection, our intimacy, our lives together- our futures.

Here's something that I do. Even if I am aware that I don't want to come off as being negative about him or critical, and I start out very positive and affirming and building him up...if I do not get the response that I was hoping for, then its like I remove the filter and THROW THE BLANKET.

So even if I wanted to be careful of that, I may end up wounding him and hurting our closeness.

Try this: For one day- (pick any day but its best to start today so that if you are already ticked off at him you still can show yourself that this is doable and important : ) just don't say anything critical or negative to him.

This won't fix anything instantly but what it may do is open your eyes. As you see how many times you have to catch yourself...stop yourself in your tracks, and don't THROW THE BLANKET over him.

If he is a good-willed man, just a good man- good to the heart...he wants to tune into you!

He wants to be your everything, he wants the same things you do. He is willing to try, he is willing to give, he is willing to learn..to be your hero and your king and your knight who saves the day.

But what to do? How to get him to listen? How to get him to open up to you?

This is a simple concept but its one my ogre and I use all the time. We use "I" statements instead of "YOU" statements.

"Honey, I feel amazing when you ____"
"Today, I really need you to ________ because it helps me _____"
"I don't seem to be able to handle _______ today"
"I feel fragile today because I __________"

And the "YOU" statements may say the same thing but they are THROWING THE BLANET.

"Why can't YOU ___________?"
"Are YOU ever going to _____________?"
" I keep trying but YOU never ___________"
"When will YOU finally ________________"

I know..its hard! We woman are wired to just let words flow out of our mouths like we are breathing..in fact some women will opt for speaking over breathing and just faint dead away.. lol...

My pastor once said something that really stuck with me, and he said it over ten years ago.

He said "Wives...your husbands will always be exactly what you tell them they are."

So tell them you are proud of them. Tell them they amaze you. Tell them when you walk into a room full of people together, you feel like such a winner because you are their wife. Tell them they are a great leader! Tell them you knew they could do it. Tell them their efforts are changing you for the better. Tell them no man could ever deal with you as well as they do.

When we started dd, I began to feel such awe and respect for my man, in spite of myself. He had always been very dominant but this was different. Although I was struggling with much of it, I knew he was doing the right thing for us.

One day I said something I considered a nothing kind of statement- I just threw it out there. I said "Babe, I know I am a handful, but I know you are the man for the job."

It lit him up! He felt ten feet tall and bullet proof and he was walking around with an inflated ego for days. He still mentions it. In fact, what he says is "Yep...none of your other boyfriends could ever have handled you..its a good thing you picked me, because I am THE MAN FOR THE JOB."

So dive in there. Choose your words carefully. Send some delightful ego-inflating words straight to their tender waiting hearts.

And don't..

THROW THE BLANKET.

My Least Favorite Mystery Is Me

2012-02-09T01:20:00.001-08:00

I suppose you could call it pouting.

If you must!

This particular example of it happened a week or so ago.

I got spanked, cried myself to sleep, and woke up in the morning....pouty. I knew it was my own fault and I knew he didn't want to, but just because he doesn't want to doesn't mean he isn't going to..and it doesn't mean I can break a rule and get away with it. And maybe that just ticks me off. I mean, there are times I think "geeeez...can't you just take a day off?"

I have been thinking a lot lately about how I respond to discipline, how I feel after, and why it wrecks me so badly at times. And why it doesn't at other times!?

Tis a mystery..

There are times I feel just fine, but that's not always a good thing. If I am doing just "Fine!" that's not good because I'm already headed back in that direction. Might as well just camp out on his knee. Hey, let's make S'mores.. Will this tent hold if it rains? Look, the stars are out!

Then there are times when I am really..fine. I don't want to waste my day dwelling on it, and I am able to pick myself up, dust myself off and go on with my day...if not happily at least truly "fine". I make an effort to stay busy and tell myself to get over it.

After he comforts me through my tears, I like to just be left alone. I want space..because I need to just pout and fret and fuss at myself, and maybe at him too. He is very very good at taking care of me, making sure I'm okay..checking in with a hug and kisses, and "sorry Angel..you okay?" I don't feel needy for extra attention- not at first..but later I respond to his affection more warmly, I let him baby me, and I guess in a way we comfort each other.

I'd like to figure out why I respond the way I do.

I don't really like studying myself. I'm not really the type. Its more likely that if something is going on with me, one of my friends will observe it in me and tell me about it. I just don't care to analyze myself..I have better things to do normally. If anybody studies me more than me, its he. Actually he does study me more, a lot more-but he hasn't figured out why I crash so badly at times either. He just deals with it.

I'd say my husband has a bigger job than a lot of HOHs..because before he even spanks me he is already considering how to repair my emotions and help me move on afterwards. Does that stop him? Nope..not for a second. And if it did, then I'd be in control and certainly would go for best actress in a leading role...

Like that day- it wasn't fair for me to be all pouty with him, and I knew it, and I went to him and apologized. Usually the morning after..if I got spanked and sent to bed, he will cuddle up to me when he sees me, hold me, kiss me, and say "are you okay?" Yeah, the NEXT morning..and he still babies me because I still need it. (I'm so pathetic..*bangs head*)

That day.. I just felt quiet and ummm, blah. For one thing, I knew that I would be watched carefully, since the rule I had broken was my one hour online rule. The other thing I was feeling was..ummmm....indignant? I'm not sure that's the right word-but then again, maybe I am that arrogant and haughty.

While pondering my response to punishment, I have realized its not always a physical response that triggers the emotional response. In other words, it might not be an extra painful spanking..but it might still trigger an extra painful emotional crash/burn/say-the-eulogy-and-make-it-good.

For example, a few weeks ago (I didn't even blog about it, felt too upset) my husband asked me if I was up to date on my banking. I said I think so. He said he was going to check and he did, and he said he needed to "discuss" it with me. Then he said "good job! it all looks great..." and I was relieved and happy that I'd escaped a spanking, and then he said "but I'm sorry..I am going to spank you tonight- you were two days late paying your cell phone bill.."

I was aghast! And I told him that I had tried to pay it online but it said my password was changed..which didn't make sense because I always pay online...and I tried to talk him out of it but was unable to, and he spanked me.

I think he felt kind of sorry for me, because he wasn't very hard on me but I took forever to get over it, and he got kind of worried about me. Maybe my emotions were not rational, but I just felt like giving up, and I cried for hours, quit..then started crying again. I was devastated that I had gotten in trouble..blindsided. Out of the blue when I thought I'd been in the clear.

Cried myself to sleep in his arms.

Then, the next morning I got sassy, was instantly hauled upstairs for a "wake up call" correction, and I didn't care at all. I mean, I didn't want it to happen, I protested, whined, maybe a few tears because it hurt..but then I hopped up and asked if I could go please..and I was on my way without giving it another thought.

See, this is where its fuzzy to me...why? I have no idea why that didn't get to me. Its even more confusing because the exact same spanking might send me diving under the covers never to re-appear..on another day. Different day..same scenario...why why why?

Sometimes when I'm in trouble and I am sent to the bedroom or shed, I am not only dreading the spanking, I'm dreading all the icky stuff that surrounds my head and heart for awhile after.

It takes me awhile to come around, but I eventually do, and feel like my normal happy self again. But its not happiness as a result of the discipline, its more..in spite of it.

I have a slight clue to the mystery- if I am heading into a spanking because of my own pride and stubbornness, such as earlier this week, and I just know he is the one who is wrong then my emotions stay pretty even. I will still cry, but its over quickly because I feel a sense of accomplishment that I managed to not give in. Yeah, that's pathetic..but its true. I might feel even a tiny bit cheerful, once the few tears are over. I wash my face, and think how tough and brave I am...what a brave little soldier! I"m kind of proud of myself.

I am not emotionally wrecked by the spanking because I went into it with that "bring it on" attitude and (shhhh) it wasn't a hard enough correction to move me into any deeper emotions. I have protective walls up and it feels good to see that the castle isn't falling into the moat.

Here's another thought..

Maybe it has a little something to do with his emotions? If he's correcting an iron-clad rule that I broke, well its just kind of matter of fact, "you knew this would happen..blah blah" and then rock and roll, get it over with. I'm not the least bit happy about it, but its pretty predictable and I can move on fairly quickly.

If its disrespect that I am in trouble for, his emotions are deep and dark and disappointed in me- and that gets to me. But not always! There are times his feelings about it don't affect me too much. But then sometimes his attitude is "get over here, you sassy thing.." and he's not really upset, even though he corrects me for it.

I really want to figure this out. He says I'm just "fragile" and he is more than patient with me when I take an emotional dive into the depths. While I think I need to keep a spreadsheet "per spanking" so that I can connect some dots and make sense of myself!

Sometimes I just get so so so sad.

Sometimes I'm annoyed and cranky and want to smack somebody!

I'm never happy right after a spanking. I mean, I've heard of that and I am seriously in awe...but for me its like wishing I had a unicorn. I see them in books but they don't wander into my yard very often.

I often feel relieved its over, glad its been dealt with, and pleased that HE is happy..and that he is not angry, and that he has forgiven me for my mistakes. But I'm not happy..

Sometimes I am angry- that's easy to figure out. I didn't want a spanking, got one anyway, and I'm MAD. If he decides to let me work it out myself, I might get over it quickly or I might not. If he decided I'm just too fired up, he will spank me again and then I am usually (but not always) emotionally shattered because (maybe?) it feels like I lost big. So in this scenario, is it because I fought and lost..and I mean really lost?

I don't have to win but I truly hate to lose.

But I'm not sure that is even the root of all of my "punishment problems" because it doesn't always apply.

None of this always applies..

Arrrrgh. Just give me a formula and let me apply it! And I don't even like math all that much..

This isn't math. Its aftermath...

There are a few reasons I want to work this out in my head. One is because getting a spanking is ANNOYING enough without having it follow me around for the rest of the day or days..ya know? I want to get on with my day, shake it off, and forget about it! Its annoying enough just being spanked at all. You know there are times I have actually told him I do not have TIME to get a spanking? Yeah, you guessed it..he was pretty amused.

My common reaction is that I am totally bummed out, weepy, and out of energy. Everything I had planned to do suddenly seems like a supreme effort. I feel tired and defeated, and don't feel like trying very hard..and I'm sorta mad at him. How dare he? I know..completely irrational but there ya go.

Now there are lots of times where I am crying, contrite, and feel very close to him as he comforts me. I'd say that is when I consider my emotions to be where they should be..but even when that results, I still have a hard time feeling "okay" for a long time. I get there, but I take the long way around.

I'm a little shy about even writing this post, because I feel like a complete misfit..well, at least I do not know very many dd wives who respond in quite the same way. But that's okay...we are all different. I feel like a total baby- but I guess I can live with that. Anyway, when I say that to him he says "that's okay, you're my baby, and I understand".

He's wonderful to me and at least I have that going for me..a guy who comforts me "until" and he doesn't lose patience with the process. Even when its a long process. Sometimes even a long slooooow process..

I try not to let my pride push him away. I know I need his strong arms, his gentle words, his encouragement, to move ahead. I try to allow that comfort to wash over me, to flood me and take away the negative feelings I am experiencing.

When I say I'm "fine!" I am never ever fine..

I have had to learn to just go ahead and

no matter how long, or rough, or how many blind curves I am dealing with.

Now that I think about it, the man deserves a medal.

And so do you..for listening to all of this babbling.

I love to read, and I like John Grisham, Steven King, Mary Higgins Clark, and James Patterson as much as the next guy.

And today my least favorite mystery is me.

Alright Already

2012-02-07T17:06:00.000-08:00

He told me I wasn't gonna win this one

I guess he was right.

The very definition of irony is- getting spanked by him, while he used an implement, upon which was written my confession for which I was getting spanked for not divulging.

Follow that?

That's how it went down. I was, as you can imagine, pretty dang mad at myself. I cried and he held me and comforted me as usual, but I was especially upset that my plan had failed! More pride issues to struggle through. Grrrrr.

I know it seems crazy that I dug in so hard, and it does even for me (and I know my stubborn streak intimately) so I gave it a lot of thought.

I realized what was at the very root of my obstinate stand off with my husband.

There have been many times along this dd journey that we have "broken new ground" and it's been an adjustment for me. A new rule, a new schedule, new implements, new expectations. Each time I am faced with something new, I tend to resist. Whoa...Buddy, say what? I have to do what? When? Are you kidding me?

He's never kidding.

You'd think I'd know better by now, but it seems I need a ceremonial burning of unsubmissive bridges along the road.

There really isn't much new ground to cover at this point...

Anyway, this thing came at me out of the blue..suddenly he'd latched onto something casual (I thought anyway) and told me I had to tell him and I wanted to hold on like hell.

It wasn't very loving of me. I was acting like we are on opposite sides, when we wear the same jersey in this game of life.

He's mine and I'm his. There's nothing we should feel we need to keep from one another, and in all honesty my issue was pure rebellion. I didn't care about keeping it FROM him, I simply didn't want to be told to do it.

I don't really like to be told to do stuff.

I really messed up, not just telling him right away. Made him worry a bit..but he told me he quickly realized that it was more about my feelings of mutiny than it was about the actual topic. That's why he decided he needed to deal with the roots of rebellion before they flourished. Dang.

Anyway, I grabbed him by the hand yesterday and said I had something to show him. I took him upstairs and handed him the "note" which was written on the implement. He was confused at first (I don't go around directing his attention to implements!) but then he read it. Then he laughed as it sank in quickly that I had tried to obey..but not really submit fully.

Then he realized my plan had failed and said "Why didn't you stop me?" I reminded him he had told me no talking and then he said "Oh, that's right...sorry Sweetie.."

As I'd expected he gave me a brief lecture about not flashing our neighbors in the future..and then he laughed some more.

I apologized for being so stubborn, and for letting my pride get in the way.

He grinned at me, and said that maybe the words I'd written were now imprinted on me..and he'd better check..

Hey, knock it off! What are you....sheesh!

Nope. They weren't. (I told him Sharpies don't smear.)

Next he said that I would be required to tell my readers the story, so you could see what he has to deal with. How stubborn I am. He said he can't wait to read my blog about this one..

Whatever!

He said this is going to be one for our dd record books, and I'd better remember it.

I said I'm not likely to forget it, since we will have a visual reminder hanging around.

And Sharpie is permanent.

Saving Face And Rear- FAIL!

2012-02-06T11:48:00.000-08:00

It seemed like such a great idea.

I was spending a lot of my time yesterday trying to come up with a win/win solution. I win..and I WIN! I can be pretty creative so I figured I'd just put my little brain to work and after all, I had that 24 hours he promised me.

Finally..light bulb!

It was brilliant!

It was easy!

It was artistic!

It was doable!

It was a mighty failure.

I didn't want to give in..

I wanted to obey but in my way, on my schedule.

Yet I needed to tell him and end the nightly spankings as quickly as possible!

Enter the Sharpie:

A Sharpie (for those who don't know) is a permanent marker, comes in all sizes and colors, and it writes on anything..without smearing.

My idea was simple. Just write a note telling him what the deal was, a clear concise note.

But just a note handed to him might be too obedient. Hmmmmmm...

I decided to write the note ON the implement that he would likely choose.

So I snuck up and carefully wrote the information nice and neat on the item, and put it back in its usual place.

I figured he'd see it at the last moment, and ask me about it. Or, if he didn't see it, I'd squeal and tell him STOP..and then I'd show him how I really had obeyed, see? And that I was submitting...so he really couldn't spank me.

End of story.

End of spankings!

Hooray!

Yeah, right.

As the evening drew to a close, we had talked it all over and he had given me time to tell him. He even tried to let me save face.

Sigh. This part is embarrassing to admit! But he said "How about if I beg? Would that save your pride?"

And I said (cringe.)

Wait for it...

Wait for it.....

"On your knees, man!'

Ooh, ouch. Yeah, he didn't respond with a whole lot of enthusiasm. I think it went something like this "You just overplayed your hand, Princess..."

So back to the guillotine march...

We got upstairs and he suddenly said "Go wait for me on the bed. No talking at all. You have had your chances all day, so there will be no talking."

Huh? No talking? How about squeaking?

Then....no LIGHTS.

HUH???? How's he going to see the note?

He left a tiny lamp on, and that was all, and as I was trying to figure this thing out and turn it around, I was put abruptly into place and lets just say we were off to the races.

My next hope was that he would leave town overnight, then I'd tell him while he was gone, thus it would be my own decision!

He IS leaving town, but he is way ahead of me. He said he is going to spank me for each night that he is gone.

Today might be a very good day to tell my pride to take a long hike off a short pier...

Where There's A Will There's A Test

2012-02-05T18:12:00.000-08:00

Once in awhile I get sorta stuck on something.

I'm determined.

I'm resolute.

I'm hanging on...

Somebody mentioned something silly that I had done, and I sort of hushed them up before my husband heard all of it. He took notice, and asked me about it.

I guess you could say thats when the trouble started. I said "never mind, its nothing!"

He said well maybe its nothing but I'd like you to tell me and let me be the judge of that.

It really was nothing. A neighbor came over to pick something up, and I ran out to my car to get something for her, and I was dressed sort of scantily..nothing shocking, just a short short robe. But her husband was sitting in the car, and I didn't know he was there, so I was pretty embarrassed. I'm sure he stopped reading his newspaper for a moment, perhaps..but that was all there was to it.

I really didn't care if my husband knew about it, but I also didn't go out of my way to share the story. I'd forgotten about it to tell the truth.

But now he wanted to know what "nothing" was, and what had happened. Again I told him I wasn't going to tell him. Said I'd mostly forgotten it, and he didn't need to worry about it.

He told me that it would be wise for me to tell him real soon.

I started feeling a little boxed into a corner and I don't like that feeling. Then he said I'm digging my own grave...and I don't like dirt under my fingernails..

I said I didn't mind telling him, but I don't like to be told that I have to tell him.

He said I was getting a spanking if I didn't tell him, because now I was being disobedient and a bit defiant.

I hoped he was joking, and in fact all evening we sort of taunted one another a bit, and he kept asking me to tell him before the night was through. I kept telling him that it was really nothing..nothing at all.

About half way through a movie we were watching, I realized he was quite serious about the spanking that was coming, and I got rather mifffed. I had been soooo good all day, not even a warning..and I'd even made his favorite bread for him so he would have a snack during the movie, and GRRRRRRR....I just didn't deserve a spanking!

But like clockwork he took me upstairs after the movie and gave me one more chance to tell him. I felt my body stiffen obstinately and I said "I can't!"

Then what's going to happen?

You're going to spank me. I don't want you to spank me!

I know you don't, Sweetie...so tell me..

I can't!

Why?

Because you told me to! I don't like you telling me to...out of the blue like that. I want to decide to tell you on my own..

Woman! You are so stubborn. Is it really worth this.. (smack smack smack SMACK!)

Owww...no!

Then tell me.

SILENCE

You know what, Angel? I'm going to finish spanking you, and its going to buy you 24 hours. Then we'll be back here again. And EVERY NIGHT until you stop being so stubborn!

Every night?

Yep.

That's crazy!

Not telling me is crazy. Making me wonder is crazy..and diggin in like this is crazy.

I'm sorry, Honey...I know..its just, just, I'm..I don't know!

STUBBORN. That's what you are. I guess you will just get spanked every night and maybe it will be good for you, maybe its an exercise in submission that you need- but you know I'm going to do what I think is right, and what I think is necessary.

Now today he has asked me what I'm planning, is there going to be a repeat of last night? And I'm wondering how many nights I can take....which is so stupid! I'm so arrrrrgh....I don't know. All I have to do is tell him and it ends.

I don't have to win but I hate to lose.

He knows what I'm thinking, and he told me I'm not going to win this one.

He just told me "You know, I've got one night in this and I'm not backing down NOW.

I said "What if I feel the same way?"

And he said that's a decision I will just have to make.

I'm trying to think of a way to get out of this and not really give in. I'm sort of coming up empty, but the night is (sort of) youngish.

Just gotta hang in there..

His Side Of The Story

2012-02-04T17:09:00.000-08:00

He says I didn't tell you the whole story.

I looked up at him, crossed my arms, flipped my hair back and said

You see, he said this is one blog post of mine that might just get him to write a rebuttal. I told him he was welcome to write whatever he wants.

I was laughing at him, reading comments and saying

STORMY= many

OGRE= 0

We went back and forth for awhile, discussing our opinons and perspective on the whole matter. He thought he was mostly joking about the whole thing, while I thought he was quite serious. He reluctantly realized that he was making me feel bad, that it wasn't all that funny to ME.

I swear, this will be us in our golden years.. (except I hate pearls..)

Right down to my hand on his knee! I like to keep that knee in sight if possible, but its a short trip right over it....

Anyway, we always have lively discussions, and life is never dull but we do have a lot of respect for each other, and we learn a lot.

Back to the Valentine's Day issue, I told him it really wasn't the point that I had left out details he considered important, but rather that it was time to leave it all behind us.

But, during our talk he revealed some feelings to me that, I have to admit, I never really heard before. I think I was so wrapped up in my own experiences that I had tuned some things out, and not thought about HIS experiences as much.

For one thing, he reminded me that a few weeks before this happened, on my birthday, he made plans to go to see the movie Fireproof together. It was a rough patch in our marriage, and I was very angry with him about something. I took off, shut my phone off, and refused to go with him at all. He told me how he went alone, sat in the back, and dealt with some tough emotions.

In his words:

"I was the guy sitting alone, without his wife..watching a movie about marriage and fighting back tears the whole time"

Wow. I never knew that.

Fast forward to our Valentine's date- it was to go see Fireproof..this time with me by his side, instead of alone. He'd already seen it, and was eager for me to see it too. He wanted to erase the painful memory of sitting there alone, worried about our marriage, lonely for me, and hurting. Instead he wanted to share it with me, talk about it, and he had some other fun plans too.

Instead I begged to go away with my mom, and when he tried to say no, I pushed and pushed until I got my way. He only said yes because he knew that if he didn't, I'd play ice maiden all weekend and ruin his plans anyway.

He was so sad as he remembered all of this, and I told him I was hearing some of this for the first time. Then I asked if we could please put this behind us once and for all. He swatted me playfully a few times, and said "I can't promise it will never come up again, but to my best ability, I will let this go now."

I asked him if he really had forgiven me and he said yes, of course he had.

While I was talking to him about the past, clean slate, and all of that, I reminded him that he had done things that hurt me in the past, things that were huge in my mind, things that had wounded and left a mark, but that I didn't always bring them up to poke at him.

As an example, I said "What about Scott?"

He got very quiet, and said "you know that I feel very guilty about that..even now?"

Its a long story, and I won't go into it too much- as its painful for me. A few years ago I had a stalker, and I was aware of it but just thought I was losing my mind for awhile. Some of it was very subtle..but things escalated until I feared for my safety and so did my husband.

We realized with a shock that the man who was making my life hell was one of my husband's own best friends.

When I told him, tried to make him face it, he questioned me as if I had done something wrong. I felt like I was on trial..and it added so much to the anxiety and stress that the whole situation brought into my life.

I had done nothing wrong, I had done nothing to bring it on myself, and I had to be very strong to stand up for myself and keep repeating the truth over and over.

My husband came around, believed my innocence, came through for me, and he forcibly removed Scott from our lives, but we chose not to go to the police. There had been no physical assault ( he had broken into our house, we suspect, but have no proof) My husband told him in no uncertain terms that if he ever came near me again, there would be hell to pay.

A year ago my husband was attending an annual event he goes to without fail. I was home, and the phone began ringing. I screen all of our calls and I recognized the number, and felt sudden chills. The phone rang every thirty minutes for a few hours, and of course I never answered. Scott knew where my husband was, he knew his schedule very well. I admit, I freaked out- everything came rushing back.

When my husband came home, I was crying and mad, and I started to blame him for the past, not protecting me, for not acting quickly enough, strongly enough, and I went on and on. He grabbed me and gave me a "Calm down, Woman!" type of spanking. Then I sobbed while he talked and soothed me.

The truth is, back then I didn't give him enough information to protect me fully. I tried to handle stuff that was too big for me, I tried to fight my own battles..and that left me vulnerable. Some of what happened to me could have been prevented if I had trusted my leader to hold me close and fight back the bad dragons.

As a result of my blog post yesterday, we came to an even greater understanding of some past painful issues.

It comforted me to hear him say that he wished he had handled things differently. That he still feels guilt. He even told me (and I didn't know this) that he has continued to keep an eye on Scott, that he had found out some more disturbing things about him, and then he told me a few things he does everyday to protect me still, from Scott. It was eye-opening..and I felt that much safer.

I realized more of the whole picture, and the "whys" behind his soft spot concerning the Valentine's Day date that I never had with him. Its easier for him to let it go, now that he has shared all of that with me. Its good to sew up a wound, but first you have to make sure there are no bits of mud and gravel left in there. We flushed out the wound and the stitches should hold.

We agreed to leave both of these situations in the past, and we agreed to learn from them.

Begging For A Spanking!

2012-02-03T14:11:00.000-08:00

You read that right.

I was begging for a spanking!

I'll get to that but first a little explanation on my last post- the one that disappeared. I was posting about my feelings, the emotions that I sometimes get following discipline, and shortly after I posted it I began getting a few comments that showed me that I clearly didn't explain myself very well!

(see, this is what happens to a poor girl who has limited time to blog..somebody complain to the ogre, okay?)

When I realized that I needed to revise it a bit to make my thoughts more clear, I also realized that I had NO more time allowed online, and so I pulled the whole post. It is lounging happily around in my drafts, and it will come around when I have more time.

Now back to why I'm begging for a spanking!

Begging might be rather a strong word. Lets just say that I am willing to have a spanking administered to me if it will put the whole thing to rest once and for all!

You see, five years ago on Valentine's Day (five years, Honey....do you see that? FIVE! F.I.V.E....spell it..) I did a bad bad thing. I guess I didn't know it was such a bad thing, at the time.

We had gotten into a pattern where I would ask my hubby to go and do something, maybe a play or something. He's say okay, let's see if we can do that..or he would just tell me he'd give me an answer at a later date. Then the event would come and go and I'd miss it. In the meantime, friends would ask me to go..and I'd tell them I just didn't know if I could...because hubby might want to go together..and so on.

I whined a bit, but eventually I decided to just make plans with my friends and go.

I did that for a month or so, and he started to object! I told him sweetly that I'd really rather go with him, but my friends had this amazing ability to plan and go..and he just didn't have that skill, but I was sure that someday he would have it..

He took action. It was close to Valentine's Day, and he asked me out for that night.

Now, we make a point of "date nights" at least a few times a month or more, so I'm rather spoiled in this area, and I just didn't see it as quite the BIG event that he did. I was looking forward to it, of course, but I didn't realize how much he was looking forward to it.

I think it was even more huge in his mind, because he was doing exactly what I'd wanted from him, and planning ahead.

In the meantime, out of the blue, my mother asked me to go on a little road trip. I got all excited! I love love love road trips. I feel so freeeeee......and adventure awaits, and I get to take pictures (I'm a shutterbug) and I adore all of it. Plus I love spending time with my mom, who is a blast to hang out with.

I told her I'd love to go! Only problem was, it fell right on Valentine's Day. I'd just have to ask my hubby if it would be okay with him.

It wasn't.

But I kept working on him and eventually he ~~said oh alright then~~ gave me his blessing.

I went, had a great time, and came home to a very very upset husband.

I guess he felt STOOD UP...

So began the yearly scolding that happens around this time of year. I had NO idea that he was going to take it so hard, or bring it up so often, or feel so hurt. I guess he was wounded in a lot of ways..his male ego was involved, his tender heart, and the fact that I chose to go spend time with somebody other than him.

I felt terrible when I realized it. If I could go back and change my decision, I would.

Last year, I got so tired of hearing it that I said "Oh okay then! If it makes you feel better, just spank me for it and then we can move on! If you promise not to say it again, I'll gladly submit to a spanking!"

He declined, and said that wouldn't be fair.

Okay then, SHUT UP ABOUT IT.

Here we are again. We started talking about Valentine's Day plans and he told me that he still can't believe that I went away and wasn't there for the date he had planned.

I was in the shower and growling under my breath and the protective sound of the water spray. GRRRRR.
Splash splash...GRRRRRRR...Rinse rinse...

I didn't say it.

I didn't say SHUT UP AND SPANK ME ALREADY!

I did venture a playful little "why don't you put a sock in it and make a new date?"

He harummphed...and said "I love you Honey..lets talk about that later.."

I don't think I'm brave enough to offer my tushie up as a sacrifice on the altar of his ego again this year.

That was said in a moment of pure desperation.

But you just never know...

Ask Stormy And The Ogre

2012-02-01T14:34:00.000-08:00

We are working on Part Two of The Interview (see sidebar..can't link currently) we began a few weeks ago. I thought I'd ask my readers if you have any specific questions for us before we conclude.

Bear in mind that we may only be able to select a few, and also that we choose to keep some details very private and between us.

We also may have already answered your question so look back in case that's a possibility.

It's quite a process, discussing some of these issues together, and while overall it's a positive thing I might strangle him before we are done! I'm (mostly) kidding. :)

I'm always happy to hear from you, and please...lurkers step forward without fear. We all learn from one another here.

So go ahead and ask.

Fake It Until You Make It

2012-01-30T23:34:00.000-08:00

What do these two items have in common?

and.....

Shiny?

Nope.

Expensive?

Nope.

Both from a Disney movie?

Nope. Only one of them is.

Both plug into the wall?

Nope. Only one of them does.

Give up?

They are both enchanted....

I don't need the one because I already have the other.

You see, I own a gorgeous robin's egg blue Kitchen Aid Mixer. My ogre bought it for me many years ago, because he thought I might learn to love baking. No, I didn't learn to love baking, but I still love my Kitchen Aid sooooo much.

When he took me to pick it out, I knew that I didn't want a plain white one. I wanted it to be so pretty, that I would never need to put it away in a cupboard or on a shelf- because I'm lazy like that. I also wanted it to match my kitchen, which is my favorite color- Robin's Egg Blue.

Well the other day I was still on my good girl streak, which just made me really happy. It also made me feel kind of untouchable, like I could do anything I wanted. I was annoyed at even the thought of discipline. As if! I knew he wasn't real pleased with my flippant air I was developing, but I walked a careful line.

I needed to go and run a bunch of errands, and I had possibly over scheduled my day. I wished he would take on part of my burden, but he was busy that day too. In fact he was going out of town for the day. In my head I was like "FINE...I don't need anything from anybody..I got this!" I got ready to leave and coolly kissed him goodbye and he said "Don't I even get a smile and a real kiss?" and I gave him another quick peck and a whisper of a smile and swept by him out the door.

He called me a few times and I answered him in one word answers, was annoyed with him for bothering me, and I wouldn't even give him any details of my day when he asked.

I got home and was distant and had NO time for him. I just felt very independent, and wasn't sure why..but I wanted to keep it that way.

He came up to me, took me by the shoulders, and asked "how long do you think I'm going to put up with this?"

I shrugged. He gave me those piercing blue eyes..full on and said "Not long..I can tell you that.."

Grrrr. Well that's just annoying.

I pretended I didn't understand and he said "Don't you dare play games with me..you know exactly what you have been doing today."

(yeah, well...doesn't mean I want to hear a warning about it!)

Not long after that he told me that I had a very limited amount of time to admit what I'd been doing, and apologize for sabotaging our relationship all day.

I didn't want to.

I knew I needed to, but I felt very stubborn and I was clinging to the position that it hadn't been that bad and if he just left me alone everything would be just fine.

Then I began to observe his body language and realized that he was pretty mad...and I'd better do something and soon!

I still didn't want to. But I took a deep breath and started to say something "Sorry..I.."

He abruptly stood up and said "You don't mean it. You just want to get out of a spanking. You know what, I'm going to bed. You can just sleep on it...let's see if you are sincere by morning.."

And he headed to bed.

Huh?

What a jerk! Here I was trying to apologize...and it just wasn't good enough....

POUT.

I searched for a documentary on Netflix and settled in to watch it. Ha! No bedtime! I can stay up and be alone. Ahhh, bliss.

Then I started to think (dang..hate it when that happens) about the day. I'd been pretty awful. I didn't do anything, really..I argued with myself. Yeah, but you shut down, acted cold, and held the relationship hostage, just the way he said you did.

I felt bad, but I tried to justify it- because he had gone to bed and not let me apologize.

But he was right..you were not feeling sincere...my good girl angel nagged at me...softly.

I finally went to bed and tossed and turned all night. So did he...we kept waking each other up but not cuddling up together.

In the morning I didn't feel the least bit like apologizing! It was like all the good honest talk I'd had with myself had just never happened.

He said we needed to talk and I said stubbornly there wasn't anything to talk about. He said OH YES THERE IS, and I scurried over to the couch when he patted the spot beside him. He tried to talk to me and I started blaming him for all of it, especially not letting me apologize when I was TRYING!

He got up abruptly. "Young lady, I'm through talking. Your time is just about up. I'll give you one more chance to show me that you know you were wrong, to apologize to me fully, to acknowledge your bad behavior, and to stop playing games!"

Then he told me he was leaving, and he'd be back in late afternoon. "And when I get home, I sure hope for your sake that you have won this stubborn battle with your pride and I have my sweet girl back..or I will take immediate action."

DANG.

I didn't feel the least bit like giving him what he wanted. Oh well, at least I had quite a few hours before any sort of reckoning.

I texted a friend and said what I was dealing with. She texted back to me "Be sweet and clingy to him!'

Hey thanks. Now how about some advice I can use?

I shot back "I don't feel SWEET or CLINGY.."

I really didn't. I thought about everything I had done to him, how I had acted, and I knew I was wrong..but I didn't feel contrite. What an odd combination- but there ya go. Its how I was feeling.

My time was indeed running out. I needed to get this attitude thing figured out.

Hmmmm.

I love this guy. Check. He deserves my respect. Check check. He loves me. Checkedy check check. I needed to operate from there and see what happens next.

Lets see. He loves me to bake for him. What if I made a cake, even when I don't feel like doing it....just do it because I knew he would love it? It would be really weird to start baking when my attitude was in the tank..but hey, I could fake it.

I actually had the ingredients for his favorite cake on hand! I only make it about once a year, on his birthday, but for some reason I had thought to grab it last time I went shopping...even though his birthday was over six months away.

I grabbed all the stuff, and went to my shiny Kitchen Aid and said "okay, work some magic, because I sure don't feel like baking right now.."

I dumped all the wet ingredients, set it on low, and stood back watching. Gotta love a machine that does the work for you, and looks so pretty doing it.

Before long I had the cake in the oven, and I clipped my kitchen timer to my shirt while I went to work out on my treadmill.

That's when my man came home.

I didn't even realize he was home, and he came up to me and scared me..popping up with a huge smile on his face. He kissed me, careful not to get sucked into the rapidly moving track, and tickled me a little.

"Hi Angel! I could tell by the smell coming from the oven that you have had a major change of attitude!"

I looked at his boyish grin, his unbridled enthusiasm shining on his face at the prospect of his favorite cake. But what really struck me was his instant forgiveness- how could he just do it so easily? If he had treated me that way, I'd take weeks to get over it. Here I had done things he hates, acted in ways that I know he hates, and went on my selfish way. I thought he'd come home ready to tan my hide, and instead he was open and forgiving and ready to let me make amends.

I really hadn't even thought about the fact that I was hurting him..I just wanted to cling to my pride and independence. I'd acted that way a whole day! Oh my.

I asked him if we could talk. He said of course, Angel.

I finished working out and found him in his office. Even though I knew what I had done, what I needed to say, I still didn't feel the way I should feel.

I knew what that was about. He had issued a serious warning about a spanking, and that gets under my skin and bugs me. It assaults my pride.

I swallowed hard and began.

"Babe, I'm sorry for how I acted to you. I treated you badly, I acted badly, and I rejected all the attempts you made to pull us close and connect with me. I really screwed up, because I kept doing it all day, and I know you would NEVER ever treat me that way. I put my pride first, and once I started doing it..it felt so good that I just got stuck! And I couldn't stop! And you probably just think I'm saying this so you won't spank me, but I'm not. I mean, I do hope you won't decide to spank me for it, but I am saying sorry because it was just really really wrong. Can you please forgive me?"

As I got to the end of the right words to say to him, suddenly I realized that I felt the right attitude too. Somewhere along the way, the words I was speaking chased my pride away and left me open enough to truly feel love and compassion and empathy for my man. I wanted so badly to undo any hurt I had caused him with my actions.

As soon as I asked him to forgive me, he instantly said "Of course, Sweetheart." and that was it. He really is that good at forgiveness! He's as good at it as I am lousy.

We had a great evening together, and we watched a movie while he ate (I swear) half of the cake. He said he loved it, and thanked me again and again for making it for him.

I was glad he was enjoying it, but I had really hoped it would last quite a bit longer than it did.

Because I'm sure it was just a coincidence, but when the cake ran out, so did my luck.

But that's another story...

My Husband The Magician

2012-01-26T19:22:00.000-08:00

My husband can make an attitude disappear...

I know what you are thinking. That's just a wand.

Sometimes in DD, things just get messy. This was one of those times...and it led to a lot of thinking outside the box- me being the box!

I was feeling really good because I had stayed out of trouble for 3 days in a row! I'm not saying that's impossible for me, but it is indeed rare. Of course that is because he's strict..not because I'm a handful or anything like that. Or I'm rebellious or have a quick temper. Nothing like that....

Anyway, I was doing great. I felt pretty proud of myself too. Usually I don't want to talk about it...because call me crazy (and you wives know what I'm talking about) but it seems just when I think I'm doing great, I slip up in some kind of major way.

I was working very hard to keep all the rules straight, not forget any little things, and not slide on respect.

But I slipped up a bit that morning. I started with a teeny bit of sass and got an expected "look" and a warning. It was a fairly mild warning, as warnings go. But I bristled- didn't want to be told what to do.

Got another "look" so I shut up and went in the other room. Then after a few moments I walked into the room where he was, and I got another "look" which ticked me off. I went to take something out of a drawer but muttered "oh brother.."

That was apparently the piece of hay that busted the dromedary's spine.

He leaned in very close to me and said "You are getting a spanking for that" and I whirled around in anger and said "Hush!"

Why the anger? Well, besides the usual burst of mad that I feel when I know I'm in trouble, I knew that one of our children was sitting nearby.

I was mad.

I consider it very VERY important to keep these types of things, and our dd lifestyle, from our children. Its something we agreed on long ago, and its something that we seem to need to revisit (grrrrr) from time to time. He's like an ogre in the forest. He's loud and he roars.

Usually when he says something that I consider borderline, he says "I'm whispering!"

Let me tell you, folks...the man doesn't even HAVE a whisper. God just decided he could live perfectly fine without one, so he never built one IN. Born without it.

"Awww, isn't he cute? Ten fingers, ten toes, big voice..NO WHISPER...oh well- we'll keep him anyway."

His voice carries and its dang loud.

I was upset and he was upset that I was upset...and he ordered me to go to the shed...NOW.

I started to get my shoes on, and I was trying not to cry at the prospect of punishment, and I was frustrated that he had said something so close to our child, and it all just settled into my brain and I suddenly stopped. Had one shoe on and one shoe off, and he came out in the garage where I was, and I said it.

And I took the other shoe off too.

He looked at me in surprise, and told me that I was making things a lot worse for myself. Then he said he'd meet me out in the shed, and I'd better get out there... and he went back in the house.

My heart was pounding hard, and I knew I was risking a lot but I followed him back into the house.

I walked over to him and said "Here's the thing- you don't get to say that I'm getting a spanking, in front of our children...EVER. And if you don't agree, then I am through with this lifestyle forever because that's how important it is to me. We have talked about this before, and you know I'm serious about it."

He stared at me, and then he started to say that pulling the consent card was a big mistake but I stopped him and said no, HE was making a big mistake. He said you would quit over that, and I said you bet I would.

We sat looking at each other, pondering the next move. Then he told me I was in big trouble and he was going to deal with me.

I shook my head. "Huh UH."

What?

No, I don't think you should spank me! I think we both made mistakes and now we have a level playing field and we start over with a fresh understanding. We BOTH made mistakes!

Oh, I don't think so Angel..nice try, but you were very disrespectful to me.

You were very disrespectful to me too.

Now, I'm not a defense lawyer, but I think I could play one on TV. Maybe even real life if it weren't for that pesky little matter of passing the bar. And this day I pulled out all the stops and I talked, and explained, and argued and pontificated my little heart out.

And ya know? I argued the whole punishment idea right off the table, until it was whittled right down to a "reminder" or a "reset" and I'm never sure which is which because we do both..but either is better than being punished.

I knew that much!

He told me that he knew he had been careless, but he was sure that our child hadn't heard him. Still, he acquiesced that I was right- it was too important to take chances. And he apologized.

But he also said that I was getting a reminder spanking due to the rude way I had responded to him.

He said okay, get up to the bedroom, and lets take care of it.

That's when TOG decided to show up. TOG had been sort of standing by, giving me pointers, but she isn't much of a lawyer and I had told her to shut the hell up...and she actually did it for once.

TOG=Tough Obstinate Girl..and she shows up at the worst times. Like now..

TOG decided that she was never wrong to begin with, and whatever..if he wanted to spank her then go right ahead and knock himself out, but she was just going to TAKE IT and to hell with him anyway. Harumph. She said this to herself, with a hair flip for good measure and some extra loud stomping on the stairs.

TOG hadn't counted on The Magician.

He had a wand alright, and he probably should have just used it on her, considering how she was acting.

He put her otk and she buried her head and gritted her teeth and her hands went into little fists around the sides of the blanket on the bed. She knew he would lecture and she wanted to put her fingers in her ears but that seemed like a bad idea, even to her..

He sat quietly, and said nothing. Then he began to rub her back and talk gently. He told her that she was amazing. He said that he was so pleased at all that she had been doing around the house..and he mentioned a few things. Then he listed all that she had been doing right...and how much he appreciated each one.

I think it was at that point that TOG decided he just couldn't be talking to her, and she let me take over again. Bye bye TOG...

He continued to talk, this time to me.

The Magician has a magical quality to his voice- its low and deep and sexy and has a hint of danger, all at the same time. But its most remarkable feature is that it is capable of such love and comfort, in every syllable spoken.

He told me that I was perfect, and that he knew I had been trying so very hard all week, and that he was super proud that I hadn't been in trouble. He even said that he noticed I had started to actually heed his warnings- and he said that was a breakthrough.

Then he said he knew I was trying to have a good girl streak, and he didn't want to have to discipline me.

My fingers slowly uncurled and I lifted my head so that I could hear him better and my eyes started to water and I let out a deep sigh.

He kept rubbing my back and I began to cry softly. Then I even shook a little as I cried harder.

The Magician told me how much he loves me. He slid me off of his lap and onto his chest and he held me while I cried and marveled at the mercy he shows me when I need it a lot and deserve it little.

And The Magician made my attitude go POOF- and disappear...

without even using the wand...

Don't Even Think I Know This Guy

2012-01-25T19:31:00.000-08:00

And yet he wrote a song just for me.

Or rather, maybe he wrote it for my husband. Nice job, Hunter Hayes dude.

In any case I am sharing it here because the lyrics just sort of speak to me. About me. LOL.

(I don't really like the song..I just love the lyrics!)

Storm Warning

She rolled in from the west
In a summer sun dress
Hotter than the heat in July
With her wind blown hair
It just wasn't fair
The way she was blowin' my mind
Have you ever noticed
Every hurricane gets its name from a girl like this
She's a cat. five kind
Keeps you up at night
Hangin' on to the edge of a kiss

She's a beautiful mess
The kind you love to love
But what happens next
I got a feeling when the sun comes up

I'm gonna wish I had a storm warning
I'm gonna wish I had a sign
I'm gonna wish I had a little heads up
Little lee-way, little more time
Some kind of radar system
Locked in on love
I got a feeling by the time the night finds the morning
I'm gonna wish I had a storm warning
I'm gonna wish I had a storm warning

Ain't it funny how it feels
When you're burning your wheels
Somewhere between goin' and gone
You get so lost that you can't turn it off
You give in and you just turn it on
She's a heart full of rain

Red lips like a flame
She's the girl from your favorite song
What a beautiful mess
One part angel, one part perfect, one part brick
The kind of flood you'll never forget

I'm gonna wish I had a storm warning
I'm gonna wish I had a sign
I'm gonna wish I had a little heads up
Little lee-way, little more time
Some kind of radar system
Locked in on love
I got a feeling by the time the night finds the morning
I'm gonna wish I had a storm warning
Ooo, Yeah

I'm gonna wish I had a storm warning
I'm gonna wish I had a sign
I'm gonna wish I had a little heads up
Little lee-way, little more time
Some kind of radar system
Locked in on love!
I'm gonna wish I had a storm warning
I'm gonna wish I had a sign
I'm gonna wish I had a little heads up
Little lee-way, little more time
Some kind of radar system
Locked in on love
I got a feeling by the time the night finds the morning
I'm gonna wish I had a storm warning
I'm gonna wish I had a storm warning
I'm gonna wish I had a sign
I'm gonna wish I had a sign
Or a storm warning

Ha, well today I am not exactly an angel, not at all perfect..but I do think I have that Miss Independent, "I-so-don't-need-you-Buddy-I'm-doing-just-fine" thing down.

He's just ticking me off today.

Might be a storm brewing.

And I'm gonna hit him with no warning....

The Shed

2012-01-23T18:58:00.000-08:00

I guess its been mentioned a time or two.

Even featured a starring role in a few posts...at times.

Its not a favorite spot of mine, and I like to avoid it as much as possible.

Its not always possible..dang. My husband knows it inspires dread in me, those words he utters quietly (or not so quietly at times).

"Go to the shed- NOW"

(duh, no I figured in a few weeks..just show up..when its convenient)

The shed is maybe not what you think.

Its not like this

Or even like this...

Its a lot bigger than a typical shed, I suppose.

Its not one of these either...

which is good because a lot of scary things can be found inside a barn if you are a wayward wife. Gah!

Its not even a little bit like this..

Or maybe I would skip all the way out there! (nah not likely)

Inside...its not like this

But sadly, its not the least bit like this either..

Its got

so its pretty warm and comfortable....

And its not dark because there are lots of

(which also means its difficult to hide...anywhere..)

There are some of these

There is a couch, but its not cool like this one

in fact this is just what it looks like but in a worse color

I don't suppose I have to tell you what happens on the couch. But at least I have a few of these

Aren't they so beautiful?

Yeah. They sure are but my pillows that I am often face down in are more like these shabby fellows..

Sigh...

There is one of these...

But only one...so there is no running out the back one!

In fact, there is no running allowed at all. (tried that) And no hiding either (tried it!)

There isn't one of these

But I do have to face the music!

I think I want a T-shirt like this one:

but it would probably just give me ideas.

Speaking of ideas, I got a great idea from Sarah and now I have big plans to decorate my shed. As you can see, it needs a little help.

As long as I have to spend time there, might as well spruce it up a little.

I'm thinking animal prints..exotic...with a splash of sass...

Don't you agree?

Little House In The Big Woods

2012-01-21T20:38:00.000-08:00

My husband has a little crush.

Well, he's had it for quite awhile, and I let it go- because I'm pretty secure and its not likely they will ever actually get together.

Still, she's quite a woman.

She's a good mother.

and wife...

She's kind of pretty too..and she works hard to help care for her family.

Our children watch this show, and so we get to see his crush fairly often. He likes to tease me about what a sweet woman she is, so obedient, so demure, and she always perfectly submissive to Charles.

I try to tell him that off camera she is a chain-smoking screaming banshee diva, who tells Pa where he can put that pipe and smoke it.

He says oh no waaaay, my Caroline wouldn't do that.

I tell him there is more going on behind that bonnet than meets the eye.

He says that if she ever needs to tell her husband something, she coos and sweet talks him, and cheers him on while having an apple pie cooling on the window sill.

Yeah. Whatever!

And she would never ever sass him.

Uh huh. Sure.

Last night we were laying in bed, just goofing around and teasing each other. He was on his Caroline kick, because I had a white nightgown on, which is long and cotton with lace and he calls it my Little House gown. He started pretending he was Caroline and Charles.

Now picture this, because he was doing "Caroline" in his high mock feminine voice, which only a guy can screw up so badly.

Oh gosh darn it, Charles..look what you have done, you spilled some milk.

Now Caroline, that's not a nice way to talk to your husband. Better go tell the children to practice their fiddles, while I go cut a willow switch.

(I was giggling at him, but at this point...I'm like huh? some flags going up now..)

Ohhh Charles, you don't have to stop all your hard work you are doing for the family. I was the one who was sassy, so I will go and cut my own willow switch and bring it to you, Darling..so you can correct me.

(holy wow..what in the heck..this isn't very funny!)

You are a good woman, Caroline. Let's settle this now.

(oh brother..)

I smacked him, then aimed a pillow at him. "Knock it off!"

He laughed so hard I thought he'd fall off the bed.

Then I again told him that off-camera, she would tell Charles what he could do, where he could go, and when. She would say screw you, and the horse you rode in on!

He said huh uh...not Caroline...

He fell asleep pretty quickly after that.

While I lay awake and thought about our BIG house in the little WOODS.

And the stuff that runs through my husband's head.

Yikes.

Digging Out

2012-01-21T19:56:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling more like myself, but it took me awhile.

Logic and emotions had to go to war, and tis a bloody battle when that happens. My head could make perfect sense of the day but my heart had to play catch up and it was slow going for awhile there. Then I got mad at myself for not snapping out of it, and just getting a grip and moving on! Then there I was, mad AND sad both.

You know I hate prison movies, but the truth is my emotions were holding me prisoner, and I had to eventually tunnel out with a spoon that a guard dropped while I staged a distraction. Well anyway, you get the picture..it was progress at a snail's pace but I got there.

I felt silly being such a baby but when I told my ogre that he said "Yeah, but you're MY baby, and it's okay, and I know it's hard, ttwd."

Yeah. Straight up, it really is.

I'm not sure he really understood about flying high and falling hard, until we read my last post together. That's when he really seemed to understand. And we had one last talk about it and then we put it behind us with mutual understanding.

The good news is I haven't gotten in trouble since then.

Which is pretty great! (and maybe somewhat rare..)

Speaking of which..

I'd better get offline :)

Cloudy With A Chance Of Cloudy

2012-01-20T07:26:00.000-08:00

There's a word for what I'm feeling right now.

Discouraged.

Shot.

Defeated.

Deflated.

Yeah that's more than one word..

You know when you think you are flying, you fall harder when or if you fall.

I was having the best day. Seriously. House cleaned, tasks done, exercise..check. Happy children, sparkling home, major organizing done, big dinner in the oven. Check check check. I felt good at how I'd managed my time and hadn't wasted a minute.

I was busy and productive.

So busy and productive that near the end of the day I was tired and forgot to be on my toes in the area of respect. Which resulted in a major punishment.

I guess I sort of spaced that I'd been warned before about my word choice, and I thought it'd be just a warning. Didn't seem like a big deal to me, but I suppose that is why he intended to teach me that it WAS a big deal, a very big deal, to him.

He got the message across. And after, I couldn't get past it although I tried and he did all the right things. Comfort, encouragement, he even listed all the things I'd accomplished in a day and said how amazing I was and am.

He said the matter of disrespect was separate and I shouldn't think of it anymore. I told him, after hours of quiet tears that I just couldn't stop, that it's not the way I think about my day.

Heres how I measure my day. If I stay out of trouble it's a success. If I don't, it's not. If it's really bad trouble and goes in the top ten it's my personal failure. I didn't say these are rational thoughts..they just are how I think at times.

Times like right now.

He held me for hours, he rubbed my feet, he continued to encourage me and cheer me on for a better day to come. He made popcorn for me and tucked a blanket around me and then tucked himself around me. I said "I don't feel like trying tomorrow" and he said "I'll try for you, you can just take a break" and he says I'll do great just being me.

No because me is the problem.

I'll bounce back but I'm not feeling bouncy right now.

Tell It To The Hand

2012-01-18T21:28:00.000-08:00

I know I told you my blog had a birthday but I didn't tell you that I did too.

Yep, January babies are best :) My lucky ducky parents. My mama says I have never been anything but joy and wonder and love and hugs.

(My husband rolls his eyes at her.)

Anyway, if I had my choice, it wouldn't have started like the following:

Ow, ow, ow, OW!!!! You shouldn't spank me on my birthday!

You shouldn't show disrespect on your birthday then.

I didn't! I did that at 11:47 and now its past midnight...OW!
So that makes it my birthday! Owww..You totally shouldn't spank me- there should be a birthday clause! Ow! stop..you..OW..

I guess you need to rethink that little hand gesture then, huh? (smack smack..SMACK) To your HUSBAND? (punctuated..) You and your clauses..I'm (smack) SICK (smack) of your clauses..

Ow...but..OW..that could have been a friendly wave...you didn't have to (mutter) freak out..

I know what it WAS (punctuated..) and it was DISMISSIVE (punctuated again..) It was a dismissive HAND (smack) WAVE (smack, smack, spankedy smack smack)

Ow! Honey! Stop...please stop..I'm sorry! Its nothing personal...ow! Maybe you shouldn't bring up chores at midnight!! Its bad timing! Chores and midnight!

It wasn't midnight.. (smack smack smack..)
It was 11:47...

A Bouncing Baby Blog

2012-01-16T15:27:00.000-08:00

My blog had a birthday a few days ago.

I spaced it, but I probably got a birthday spanking.

My bouncing baby blog is ONE year old. Awww, how cute..smearing cake all over its little face and chewing on the wrapping paper.

I'm good. I don't have anything profound to say and I don't need any gifts. :)

If you are a lurker here, though, you could just peek in and blow out a few candles and sneak back out. Just say "Hello. I lurk. Goodbye." See? Was that so hard? Then I say "Hi Lurk-face, I'm Stormy. Nice to meet you." (my part's easier, I know..)

When I started this blog I was nervous..like giving birth. I didn't labor long, I just dove in. I had no idea what I was having. It wasn't all that painful but it was scary.

My first comments freaked me out! I almost shut the whole thing down. (here Doc, put it back..ok?)

But they also encouraged me. Thank you to my very first commenters on my first post- Sir J, Learning Curves, Mick, B'man, and Daisychain.

I didn't know where this would go, but it's helped me grow so much. My own writing lets me get to know me. Who I am and who I want to be.

Sometimes it happens that somebody will quote my blog to me, something I've forgotten about. It makes me happy that they remember words I have written.

Shelter In The Storm really is my baby..lol. I got spanked for it (nine months seemed like a lot then), I struggled to explain my reasons for wanting to keep it, and it's grown into something that bonds us together and makes us even more close. He is even a part of it now.

Thanks to everyone who has been a part of it too.

Now go eat cake with your fingers.

Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This

2012-01-14T19:04:00.000-08:00

But I don't think my mama is going to hear about this one.

Its been over 16 months that we have been living an active, daily, domestic discipline marriage. There have been no stops and starts, no "breaks" and we have worked very hard..learned a lot..and are dedicated to learning more. This is a "forever" thing for us.

(well he teases me and says when I am perfectly behaved and perfectly submissive we can quit, or when one of us dies. You do the math there..)

But seriously. Its what we do. Its TTWD. He even uses that term now, which still sounds funny coming from him..because as he learns new terms he uses them- and they sound different coming from him.

I have had a rough week, been in lots of trouble, and its all my own fault. I just haven't handled things well lately for a variety of reasons. The chief reason is that I have been consumed by a project for a club I'm involved in, and although it was a collaborative effort when we began, it has come down to me. I am up for it, but its a huge job with a major deadline, and I have thrown myself into it.

Its nearly done, but the fallout has been apparent. I can't exactly hand it over and say "here you go, hope you like it, and if you only knew how many times I was spanked because I got so stressed about it, well you would appreciate it even more!" But I'll be thinking it..

I guess since I'm a complicated and emotional being, things went awry before I even realized it. Most of the people reading this now are also complicated and emotional beings, so I am in good company and you might even understand me- if not- just nod and wink and sympathize with mock sincerity.

My husband is not responsible for my happiness, but when I'm down or stressed or cranky, he often gets the brunt of it. Because he's safe (although not too safe with a paddle in his hand) and he's there and he's MINE and I'm HIS.

He was being very supportive of my work on this project, and understood the value, and even modified or let slide some of my rules. I may have taken advantage of that, a little.

But day by day, stress built up within me. I sassed, got in trouble, dialed it back for awhile, but then made more mistakes. I was upset about all the trouble I'd been in, but couldn't seem to get my act together completely.

Pressure around me was building, because my family was not getting the full care that I usually provide- since almost all of my time was being spent on the project. I'd get impatient when I was needed, and just wanted everyone to leave me alone!

Then I knowingly allowed some resentments from the past to surface toward my husband. All of these months we have worked so hard to put the past behind us, even the little things..and most definitely the bigger hurts and resentments. He is SO good at it, and I lag behind but take baby steps. Plus if I drag stuff up and make a big pot of bitterness stew, he spanks me for it. That motivates me too, to look forward and not back.

It happened in the morning. I was nursing some of this past hurt, and I'm not even sure why. I let them build up in my mind and poor guy- he had no idea what was brewing in me. It became apparent that I was feeling disrespectful to him, and he sent me upstairs- predictable outcome.

He left me there, for "bedroom time" and I was to wait, think, and if it turned into a spanking or not was "up to me" as he says. So there was a chance I could get my ducks in a row but the little quackers were hell bent to stay scattered- feathers flying.

When he came up, I was laying on the bed fuming a little. I didn't want to be there, I didnt' want any reminders of DD or spanking, or obedience or respect. I wanted him to just leave me alone and let me act the way I wanted to act.

It felt good to be bad. It let me blow off a little steam and frustration..which I now realize came from the people who were supposed to be part of the big project, but who left it to me..knowing I'd come through. (they should be spanked, not me...grrrr)

He tried to talk to me, and he was being very patient, really..considering. I sometimes do this thing where I block cause and effect out of my head- until I'm otk. Then suddenly it all becomes quite clear, and I wish desperately for a rewind button on the whole scene. How I do this, when he is very predictable and nearly never backs down, I simply do not know. I'm foolish I guess. :(

I backtalked and I interrupted him. He retrieved an implement but where I might normally backtrack or apologize or at least shut up, I didn't. He moved quickly and gave me a sharp swat with impressive impact. I didn't expect it..it wasn't in our "formula" and I reacted strongly. I dove under the covers and told him to get out. He said no, we were going to finish our discussion like adults. Then I said I was leaving. He said might want to rethink that kind of defiance.

I said well one of us needs to leave this room right now. He said he would, for now. But i had bought myself some trouble and he'd be back.

When he came back he could see I was very spun out. He tried to talk to me, tried to reason with me, tried to hold me. I pulled away and started to, in a typical distancing way, make the bed. I tugged and straightened and the bed got straight but I didn't.

We didn't.

He watched me, thinking. Then he said "don't think that you are wearing me down with all of this, and don't think I'm leaving this room because I'm giving up. We will be having a talk later."

I guess in hindsight he knew exactly what I needed to hear, because with latitude like that I could definitely think I'd won. I still felt I'd won, in the moment..because I got to be alone and I craved distance in an unhealthy way. I was in a stress spiral and my nature is to push him away when I need him the most.

But I saw none of this, at the time.

I dove headfirst back into my project. He wanted to talk and I made excuse after excuse. Finally his "requests" no longer fit into that category.

He called me to him. He wrapped his arms around me and said "I'm sorry for how things went this morning. You had it coming, but not like that- that's not how we do things. Will you forgive me for swatting you that way?" I nodded yes. And I agreed I had it coming. But I was still spun out and still had threads of anger weaving themselves through my emotions.

I said okay of course I forgive you but we need to talk some more. He got a bit nervous and said now, not later. But I had my project as a way to hide from him and I used it fully..and said I was way too busy, and didn't he understand? He walked away.

I outlasted him for awhile, but eventually he said it was time to talk and told me when he wanted me available. I really meant to just talk, but I got quite animated and he didn't even warn me, so I found myself using this sudden surprising freedom to raise my voice, louder and louder so I was actually yelling at him. He stayed calm, but grew upset, especially when I began to throw bombs. I threw one, it just slipped out but he didn't tell me I was in trouble for it. So I constructed and tossed another. Each one eased the way to the next. I was saying some awful things.

And he didn't do anything but try to defend himself. He argued back and we went at it, until I threw up my hands and was ready to stomp off. That's when my hoh kicked in and warned me I'd better not. It was the first sign of the boundaries I am used to.

I'm not sure I was taking advantage of him on purpose, it was more like a little lamb who sneaks under a fence and goes skipping away happily unaware. For it is only by following a fence that a lost lamb finds it's way back to the protective herd. I was the lamb and the fences had been somehow removed, and it was a big world.

I calmed down and we tried to understand each other, but all the bombs had been damaging. He said I was allowed to leave. His anger was simmering, I knew it but I was all out of words and I went to try to bury myself in my project.

We withdrew from each other.

I tried to explain, tried to say what had gone on inside my head but I didn't know how to do it, and his hurt and anger were obvious. I made him dinner and even served it to him in his favorite chair. I wished I could back up and and reverse time and take back the things I'd said to attack him.

It was getting late. I knew what was going to have to happen to set things right. For us to have a fresh start. It's odd how it just grows into your dd relationship, the steps you have to take and the way it moves you back into the roles you have accepted. I was nervously aware that I deserved to be punished, and I could feel it in the air. Maybe if I directed the conversation it could be considered a reset rather than a punishment..rather than accounting and settling up for all the out of line things I had said.

So we talked and he said we needed a reset and I needed a clean slate. Those words take on new meaning in a dd relationship and I wasn't happy to hear it..but at the same time we'd had more hurt and distance and wreckage in this one day than we had in a year. I'd really seriously screwed up. He directed me to go to the shed.

He was so upset but very calm, and it was a strange thing to recognize but I clearly saw the signs of both in my husband. He lectured as he started to spank me and everything seemed to hurt more, powered by the knowledge that I'd wounded him, and I struggled. I begged him to stop and he told me he hadn't even started. (that's so not what you want to hear in that position)

It didn't last as long as I probably deserved, and it didn't end as soon as I wanted it to.

I cried and he held me, but he said nothing. I had said sorry over and over during..but can that be considered sincere? (for me..not always). I apologized again. He said nothing. I was at his feet and I stood and got ready to leave. He did nothing the way we always did it, he didn't move to hold me at the door, he didn't lead me by the hand, he didn't call me back.

Confused and then upset, I left by myself. He sort of caught up to me and I was still crying. I angrily wiped tears from my face, trying to be tough, and said "if you are still mad, what was the point? Why did you have to even spank me? You aren't supposed to be upset..still!"

Can you believe I raised my voice at him? Still crying from a painful correction I was foolish enough to sass and lash out. I wanted him to be perfect, to act and react exactly how I wanted him to. What a crazy expectation for another human being.

He sure didn't like the way I talked to him, and he told me he still had feelings about it and when the heck was I going to learn to be respectful and treat him right? If five minutes after a spanking I was back at it?

Oops, my memory suddenly kicked in and I started to backtrack and call him "sir" and do all the right things. But it was a little late.

He sent me up to our room and said this spanking wasn't over..not yet.

I was so upset and I talked rapidly, trying to explain why I was upset, how he seemed cold and hard and unforgiving, and didn't we agree that a punishment was meant to put things right again, settle up with him, and leave it behind us? And what could I do further? Couldn't he see why being spanked and not see his anger fade was alarming and new, and that I'd never experienced it before?

He put me in position for another spanking. Now my heart felt broken and the emotions of the day swept me away and I sobbed brokenly and hopelessly. I waited for the pain and he didn't move. I felt his arms holding me tight and I thought about how much I love him, even in these moments. How I'm in good hands even when he's angry or hurt or annoyed with me.

Moments passed.

He didn't spank me.

Then he slid me off his lap and into his arms. He held me tightly and I felt the difference. I tearfully asked if he forgave me, and he said "Yes Sweetie." I asked if he loved me even when I got all crazy and screwed up all day or all week. He said of course he did. I told him that my emotions had swept me away, lied to me, and got built into something much much bigger than I could rationalize, due to stress and frustration with my project. I told him I didn't mean the things I said, and I loved and needed him.

I felt fully forgiven.

I stayed in my room for awhile after he left and I cried my eyes out as if I'd been spanked again. I guess it was because I hadn't, and he'd only done exactly what he'd needed to to get through to both of us. I will always be in awe of his perceptive abilities, and this was yet another example.

Later I went to him while he watched tv and I just quietly curled up on his lap, thinking I'd just please him by drawing near. Yet as soon as he laid his hand on the top of my head and circled me I burst into quiet tears, weeping so that he felt my tears dripping. We said nothing and he just knew that I didn't need him to talk.

It was a day of hard lessons for both of us. It's a day we'd probably trade in for a happier one, but the things we learned held a lot of value. I share this kind of situation in our lives, because after you have lived dd for awhile, people might think you are experts and you have it all down and it just gets better and better. We are not experts, and we will never be- we are just us. Learning and growing together. I'd venture to say there are no experts, just as there are no parenting experts, or marriage experts, in my opinion. It's always changing, challenging, evolving..requiring great trust and love.

DD requires us to keep putting our best foot forward, and trust in the process and in each other. We have to believe we want the same thing, have the same goals for our future, and want the best for one another. We have to trust that we will embrace our roles. We have to know, really KNOW, that at the end of the day we never set out to hurt or wound one another. Our circle of two is meant to be a circle of protection, not rejection. The world might be out to get us, or take advantage of us, but within those walls we are home.

If we act out of character, or unpredictably, or hurt each other..the answers are found in each other and nowhere else.

Back to my earlier analogy, there's a word my husband calls me that is his greatest compliment. He only says it when I'm sweet, compliant, affectionate, and staying within the boundaries he has lovingly set for me.

He calls me his lamb.

She Said He Said

2012-01-12T19:02:00.000-08:00

I used to write He Said She Said.

Well geez, why shouldn't he get the last word now and then? Oh believe me he does. Once in awhile..lol.

She Said He Said (then she said and then..oh you get the idea)

Back off!

If you say that again I'll spank you.

Lay off?

That's not good either.

Well, tell me which one is worse and I'll say the other one.

I figured it out, I don't like submission in the morning.

Or any other time of day?

What say we start around noon?

I can't lance your infected fingernail, I might hurt you!

I might need you to, to relieve the pressure.

On second thought, I could do it if I was feeling really annoyed with you..

Well Angel, that's exactly how I feel about spanking YOU..

Hey Honey, don't want to hear any more about consistency..

Okay, how about a demonstration then?

Whatever.

Don't you say that again if you know what's good for you..

Why not? It's just a word.

When a woman says it to a man, it pretty much means F off.

And the problem is?....

You can't spank me, I'm already in bed!

Next time I recommend giving your mouth a rest. Come over here.

Please don't threaten me, Honey!

Its not a threat, it's a promise.

Then stop freaking promising me..

Let's go.

I'm no good at submission.

That's okay, I'm here to "help"

You can stop helping at any time!

You can start submitting at any time..

Stop using my blog against me! Meanie!

I never use anything against you, I use it for us.

Whatever..I mean, wow..lucky me.

I probably went over my online limit today..

Then I'm "probably" going to spank you for it.

Then I'm pretty sure I didn't!

You are very handsome, but you're kind of demanding.

I know.

Which one do you know?

Both.

Can I clean the fridge tomorrow?

Sure. But I'll spank you tonight.

Okay, okay..I'll do it now.

Good girl..see if you can find a beer in there..

I didn't mean to kick my shoe off!

Could have fooled me, it flew pretty high..

That was just lucky.

Your luck just ran out.

DANG!

Submission Is Like Folding A Fitted Sheet

2012-01-11T18:13:00.000-08:00

Submission is like folding a fitted sheet.

You can't really fake it.

It is frustrating and its easy to make a mess of it.

There's always somebody who is willing to instruct you.

(Unlike folding a fitted sheet though, there's no YouTube video for submission..)

It takes time and practice to get it even close to right.

And its hard!

Oh shut up YOU TWO...

Seriously, I was folding a fitted sheet yesterday, and I started to think about it.

Let's just say it was fresh in my mind how much my husband would like me to be more submissive. Real fresh.

Like folding a fitted sheet, everyone else can make it look easy.

You can't know how tough it is until you start to grab ahold of it and really work at it, and try to make it take some form of acceptable shape.

When one part is working well, another part is slipping...falling out of your hands, and tripping you so that you go flying! Dang it all anyway!

It sounds so simple, and it looks so nice when its done right.

There aren't really any short cuts.

But its pretty easy to end up with a lot of wrinkles.

Try to shove it on the shelf looking like that and see what your husband says!

Like folding a fitted sheet, its very tempting to just give up trying, and fling it all over the place.

(hey kids, lets make a fort! get some kitchen chairs...I'll bring the sheets! We can torture the cat and make your dad mad about all the clutter all at the same time!)

You might want to hide your failures.

Or just stop where you are, curl up in your best efforts, and take a nap..exhausted from failed attempts.

I think all the really good moms are supposed to be good at this. And the really good wives..

But I'm not.

My solution? Wash the linens, and then put them RIGHT BACK on the bed. No folding necessary. If you have to store them for awhile, I recommend the trunk of the car. They fit nicely around the spare tire. Unfolded..

Bet you won't see that on YouTube. Suck it Martha and Oprah! (oops, better edit that at some point..)

What is the point of this blog post?

There's no point.

Except I hate folding fitted sheets.

And today..

submission too.

Passing Notes In Church Is No Laughing Matter

2012-01-09T00:22:00.000-08:00

Okay Class, the lesson for today is..

Just because you're thinking it doesn't mean you should say it.

Simple, right?

Better yet, don't think it because you might say it. I mean, if the thing is a bad thing that you should never ever say, then you most certainly shouldn't even form the thought in your brain because the brain and the tongue are closely related and often play together. (Am I getting through to you people?)

Anyway, I never should have thought it and I most definitely never should have said it.

What did I say?

I can't tell you! I won't tell you! You can't make me!

Oh alright, I'll tell you but let me lay a little groundwork.

I had called to check on my mother in law, who just got out of the hospital. She was doing fine, but had some serious health issues they barely caught in time and I was so relieved she was okay. As we talked she told me how it all happened, and how when she realized how sick she felt she had asked my father in law to call for an ambulance.

Apparently he didn't want to and he told her he would drive. She felt too sick to walk so she kept asking and he kept refusing until finally he half carried her to his car and drove her there.

He's not a bad guy, he's actually a great guy..if a lot stubborn, and I love him and respect him. But, as I listened to her tell about it I grew very indignant on her behalf. I was emotional and upset about all she had been through, and her husband wouldn't call an ambulance? Grrrr.

I told my husband the story, and he sat there, not responding. Kind of smirking that I wanted to rescue her, I guess. I didn't know why he was smiling but I wasn't impressed that he wasn't feeling what I was. I wanted him to get mad at his dad WITH me!

This was an unrealistic expectation because he pretty much worships his dad.

I grew more and more upset and demanded to know why he was smiling and amused when clearly it was NOT an amusing situation. He didn't answer but told me I'd better calm down.

Grrrrr.

I jumped up thinking I'd best leave and settle down or say something I'd regret. But, when I hit the stairs the thought sneaking around in my head had formed an unholy alliance with my tongue and I muttered it..

"I guess you're just as BIG of a dick as your dad is!"

I saw a look of a shock on his face. Omg- I couldn't have actually said it...I didn't say it aloud..oh no WAY...I couldn't have!

I had.

He came up to me and said "are you kidding me? Care to repeat that?

Umm. No. No I didn't care to...

He shook his head from side to side, like a great lumbering buffalo who has a tiny bee lodged in his hairy ear. Shake shake.

Then, laughing..

(huh? Laughing? Is this a trick of my imagination?)

More laughing. Then, he said

You'd better close your mouth, drop this subject, and get to BED while you're ahead..

Okay!

I scurried up to bed but could not make sense of what had just happened. How in the world had I opened up my mouth and said that? I don't even talk like that! But much more weird- how in the HELL was I going to get away with it?

I'd just disrespected him AND his father in the most unbelievable way.

I couldn't fathom not answering for it. Yet somehow, he'd laughed instead of tanning my hide.

Wow. The thought that crossed my mind next, unbidden, was "What ELSE could I get away with, if he's cool with that? The sky is the limit! I could say anything! I could do anything.."

(I know, I know- it's wicked of me but I couldn't help thinking it.)

I felt brave and untouchable. Instead of thinking I'd just tapped my entire supply of luck for the year 2012, I thought I was the golden girl and felt invincible. When he came up I challenged him, asking him again and again what there was to smile about, why didn't he care about mom, and what was his problem? I told him it was just sick, and I said that if I ever got sick he'd dang well better take care of me better than his dad did his mom!

As crazy as it sounds, I'd already forgotten the awful thing I'd said. (after all, he'd laughed and I'd moved on)

I told him he should apologize for smirking and I guess he tried to explain but I didn't listen. He said he just didn't think I had all the details, and I smarted off that I'd only talked to her, not to her SURGEON. Boy I was mad..

I kept harassing him until I got a solid warning. It was one of those "last chance" kind and I shut up and chose not to end the night with a spanking. I didn't even thrash around in bed.

Much.

In the morning I felt mad at him and I ignored him, and said very little as we got ready for church. Then he leaned in, kissed me warmly and said "your time is running out to get your attitude straight and stop being cold to me, you know."

I glared at him trying to judge how MUCH time I had. Besides, I wanted HIM to apologize to ME.

When I told him that he said "I tried already, and besides all I did was smile."

(well technically, yes but it was an especially irritating smile..)

I said nothing, just climbed in the car for church and pointedly looked away from him. I'd already forgotten about the warning because now we'd be in public and I feel rather independent when we are out and about.

Sitting next to him in church, I could feel his stern look. Ugh- well if I don't look at him I can't see the warning, right?

I asked him if he was following the message, and he said he was thinking of something else. I thought he meant us, so I saucily said well that wasn't a very good idea and he should pay attention to the sermon. He said in his most stern-ish whisper that he was praying for the people next to us who had just lost their daughter.

Oh. Okay..good idea.

I noticed that darn "look" again. If any man alive has that "you are getting spanked" look down pat, it's my husband. Holy heck. He's driving me crazy with that face.

I grabbed a pen and on my church notes I scrolled

"Don't frown at me"

I slid it over to him. He read it, grabbed my pen, and wrote something. He slid it back over to me.

"You are getting a reset later today."

I grabed back my pen and scribbled two words, both underlined darkly in multiple lines, and followed by exclamation points.

"No fair!!!"

He reached for my pen but I had shoved it back in my purse, so he leaned over to whisper "You always say that..

He had errands later, so while he was out he called me. I started to argue my case. He said I would be punished for what I had said about him and his dad. What? But, you laughed! I protested. Leniency can't be revoked!

He said he'd made an error in judgement and it was no laughing matter.

Yeah, well you laughed and let it go! You can't do this!

Well, I guess I was so stunned I did laugh, at first. But then your attitude was pretty flippant so I decided to give you a chance to feel contrite and apologize, but instead you start acting cold and unfriendly and distant.

but I..

I should have taken care of this last night. Instead I gave you some rope and you hung yourself with it.

You, you, are rotten! Go ahead but I'll never forget that you laughed about something one minute and spanked me for it the next!

Uh huh. That's just fine. And along with that please remember that you called both me and my father a dick. So don't bother arguing, my decision is made. You can even post what you want on your blog about this, try justifying what you said.

I'm sorry! I didn't mean it, you know I love Dad..and I never talk like that..

Exactly. It's beneath you. That's not my wife and I'm going to correct it.

I'm sorry!

You usually are when you're begging to get out of a well deserved spanking.

Grrrrr.

I was so upset. I had my own solid ideas of what he was "allowed" to do and what he wasn't. Only, it wasn't my decision. His mind was made up and I knew how it would go next.

I'm not so good at contrite. I'm better at making excuses for my behavior, trying to find my way out of trouble, and blaming him if at all possible.

Trouble was, it was hard to blame him. He'd made me mad but all my worry about my mother in law had gotten me fired up. Then he didn't feel the exact same way I did and I wanted him to! I even wanted him to adopt my emotions and be angry with his dad.

I couldn't believe I'd said what I did. I started to feel very ashamed. Terrible. I'd take it back if I could, I thought. And not just to get out of the hole I'd dug for myself..but just to keep that disrespect from being "out there" forever. My stupid temper! Wanting my own way! I'm too impulsive, I'm too fiery, I'm too...everything. I'm hopeless.

He was doing some work around the house and he loves it when I keep him company. I knew he wouldn't expect me to hang around him, not when he was planning to punish me. But my attitude had changed and I knew it wasn't his fault I was in trouble, and I enjoy just being with him. So I went to him and he gave me a huge smile and we spent a few hours together talking about all kinds of things going on with our family, kids, etc. I told him I was not going to argue any more, but I'd accept my consequences no matter what they were. And I said I was extremely sorry for the thing I'd said and how I'd acted toward him.

After he finished with a lot of odd jobs, he had another job to do. Me. He had to administer the consequences we both knew I had coming.

I tried to be brave but I wasn't, really. And I'd hoped he'd not reach for the item he chose but I didn't get to decide that either.

I didn't just submit, I surrendered.

My heart was right and I'd made peace with his decision even if it was a hard thing to accept and an easy thing to want to argue.

And he noticed. He put me in a position to listen carefully and he told me why what I said was wrong. How he knew I didn't mean it, but I'd said it and it wasn't acceptable. He didn't want his wife to speak like that.

Then that man of mine took it pretty darn easy on me.

I cried like crazy because of his obvious mercy, and his love, and his easy forgiveness. I thanked him for showing me mercy when I didn't deserve any at all. He held me and told me that mercy was given because my attitude had been in the right place, and he wasn't there to punish , he was there to correct.

I finally quit crying and smiled.

I told him he'd better never write me a note like that in church again.

Because that's no laughing matter.

Back Away From The Window And Nobody Gets Spanked

2012-01-07T08:56:00.000-08:00

We were driving, heading out on a date night.

I was distracted, looking out the window, thinking about something I needed to do the next day.

Hey, Angel, you need to know that I am thinking about that remark you made- and I'm deciding if I am going to spank you for it.

What? WHY? (shocked, confused face)

Don't give me that look.

Huh?

I do read your blog! I know all about your "fake shock" and incredulous act.

Oh. (dang!)

I know all about your "pulling out the stops and putting on the sweet stuff".

Shoot. (sigh)

Yep, it sure is nice to know what my angel wife is thinking. What did you call it? Oh yes, a "window to your mind"..I think that was it.

Close the damn window!

Nah, I like it. Now, let's talk about that witty remark you made in front of the children. I know you knew it might be iffy, because you put your hand on my knee a minute ago, and you keep giving me that sweet smile. I think I read about it on your blog...

What sweet smile?

The one you use when you think you might be in trouble.

(Damn) I don't want to be in trouble! C'mon...Hon?

I'm going in this store to get some business cards laminated. I tell you what- you stay here and think about what you said. When I get back out, you can tell me all about it and I'll make my decision based on that.

Okay.

He went in the store. I sat thinking. Dang-that fake shock bit wasn't going to work for me anymore. Damn! Now I had to come up with something and fast. An apology? Contrite admission? Submission? Nah, there's got to be something better than that....hmmmmmm. This is a pretty fast car and I could make it quite a ways on a full tank of gas...

Nope. Not a good plan. I'd probably get a swat for each mile that I put under my tires.

And here he comes, out of the store.

Well Angel, what do you have to say?

(deep breath)

I'm so glad I have you as my HOH. I am so wrong when I choose less than respectful words and tone, because you simply do not deserve such things and ESPECIALLY in front of our children. I must have lost my head to treat you in such a way, and I cannot express how sorry that I am, or how much I regret such words. I'm so lucky you are giving me a chance to tell you how wrong I was.

(big smile) Nice work. Did you mean a word of that, or are you trying to get out of a spanking?

I meant a word of that, and I'm trying to get out of a spanking.

(laughs) That's what I thought.

So, we're good???

Yeah, we're good. Let's go out to dinner now, I'm done with work errands....where do you want to go?

Anywhere you want to pick. But, let's not sit by a window..

My Husband Speaks- An Interview

2012-01-05T02:50:00.000-08:00

I asked my husband if it would be okay to get his thoughts on a few things.

He agreed, which actually surprised me! Then, I got a little bit nervous.

Here I thought that I wanted him to do this, and now that he is ready and willing, I feel kind of shy about it. Like, protective of him, and of us.

Its always hard when you put yourself "out there" so I hope that everyone will be kind and understanding, and pose your questions while being respectful of him.

As he shared his ideas and perspective, we took some time to have some back and forth discussion. It was quite interesting. Some of his answers surprised me, some of them bugged me, (lol) and some of them I could have bet money on because I have heard them so often.

I learned a few things I didn't know.

I guess he did too, as he thought through his answers, and told me even more than I had asked.

As we did this together, we could really see where we have been, where we are now, and I think we can see where we are going too.

This will probably end up being two posts or more, but here is part one.

The Interview:

1. What are some ways the DD lifestyle has improved your relationship?

We are much closer now. We have a lot more peace in our home too. Stormy used to shut down, and be indifferent to me in times of conflict, sometimes for days at a time. I don't have to allow that now, that was very bad for us. She has allowed me the tools to limit the kinds of behaviors that can be destructive or damaging to our closeness.

DD helps us resolve issues, and it keeps little things from adding up to bigger items of conflict. I appreciate the ability to get things settled between us.

2. What are some important qualities for an HOH to have?

Well you need to be patient, and kind and of course loving. I think you need to be willing and able to do the right thing, even if its not popular or easy. You need to be able to stay calm and resolved in the face of chaos or strong resistence. (Stormy told me to say patient twice)

3. Stormy is accountable to you for her actions, how do you think that you are also accountable to her within this kind of relationship?

When you have this level of authority over another person, it carries with it a huge responsibility. I have to show strength of character, and not misuse it. I try to do the kinds of things that I know she wants from me, and needs from me, and be ready to admit my faults and say I'm sorry if I upset her. I need to hold myself to the same standards I hold her to, show her respect and treat her the way I want to be treated. I'm accountable because I'm not happy if my girl is not happy. I don't take that lightly and I don't think any good-willed man would.

4. Do you think consistency is important, and why?

Yes, its very important to be consistent. Its important that Stormy knows I will follow through every time, that she knows what to expect from me. She knows the rules, and its fair for her to predict what will happen if she breaks them.

If you tell your wife that you are going to spank her for something, then you have to follow through every time. I don't ever make empty threats.

5. What do you think about leniency in your role as leader?

Of course its going to be on a case-by-case basis, but generally its not a good idea, for us. My wife seems to view it as weakness in me, and she will exploit it. Its just not something I do as a rule.

6. What do you prefer, delayed discipline or immediate consequences?

For Stormy, immediate consequences work most effectively. She gets increasingly beligerent when it is delayed, and gets in worse trouble. She gets mad at me, because she is in trouble. I like to deal with things, get them settled, and get back to feeling close to each other.

7. If she is upset afterwards, how do you help Stormy? What do you do to comfort her, and let her know its settled?

If she is very upset, or mad, then I have to make a decision. I might need to spank her some more, to get her to let go of some of that anger and stop battling with herself, and find her way back to me. But, I will usually tell her that everything is okay, I always hold her, and I tell her its over and its behind us. She will tell me her day is ruined and I assure her that it is not. I encourage her and tell her that I know she is trying, and I always accept her apology (if she gives me one!)

8. Do you think you are too strict? Does Stormy think you are too strict?

I don't think I am too strict, but Stormy thinks I am a little too strict. She gets chances, I'm careful to take everything into account, but I don't put up with defiance.

9. What is Stormy's most hated rule, and why do you think its important to enforce it anyway?

(laughs) Obviously my wife's most hated rule is that she can only be online for one hour a day. I know its important for her, because before this was a rule she used to lose track of time and spend up to four or five hours a day online. I don't want her to be wrongly influenced, and I want to protect her. Also I want her to have time in her day to keep up with other responsibilities, and spend time together too. She challenges this rule a lot, not testing it, because she knows what will happen, but I guess just can't resist temptation. She complies for awhile, then gets spanked for going over the time limit, then she stops fighting it for awhile and so on. She's not going to wear me down on something I know is necessary for her and for us.

10. What are some things you say or do that bother Stormy, and might even cause her to get into trouble as a result?

Stormy hates anything she perceives as a warning, for example, that she might get spanked if she keeps up a certain wrong behavior etc. She hates warnings and yet she counts on them? She doesn't want any surprises to come her way, but she resists warnings? (laughs) Its a quandary. What's an HOH to do?

11. How can you tell when Stormy is putting up walls or distancing herself from you, and why do you consider this one of the most destructive things she can do?

After being her husband this long, I can tell in an instant when she is doing this. For me, its like telling night from day. She becomes cold, indifferent, and maybe flippant. Distancing herself means she's hiding feelings from me which can hurt us by her eventually becoming resentful. That turns into being disrespectful and hurtful to me. I'll give her a chance to talk to me, but if she insists on walls then it will bring consequences.

12. What advice would you give to other HOHs who are new to DD?

Well, if your partner gives their consent for you to be an authority in their life, you need to take that role and lead for the benefit of the whole family, not just to kind of please yourself.

Your wife needs to submit to you completely, and not just in a few areas or the things that she agrees with. If she is submitting only when she wants to, then she is really still making decisions that are your job, which means she never gets the full benefit of your leadership. That's why this comes with such a giant responsibility, so that its never abused or carried out thoughtlessly.

You will find that when your wife is being submissive to you, soon you will begin to feel that extra sense of responsibility, to always treat her fairly because you are in charge and need to take care of her.

I guess I already said it, but you have to be consistent. That means even when you are tired, or don't want to deal with issues, or when its inconvenient, whatever. You have to do what you say you will, every time. Also, do a lot of talking and changing things as its needed, and learn as you go.

Tell her that you appreciate her submission, that her efforts matter to you and are important for both of you.

13. How do you keep fun in the relationship, with all the rules, etc. Does Stormy feel like she is walking on eggshells?

Oh we are always joking around, teasing each other, and Stormy is very playful. I don't think she is walking on eggshells, because I can always tell the difference in her attitude. I know my wife's body language and her facial expressions. She may say something that seems very disrespectful, but if she is just playing and I know she is, she wouldn't get in trouble. Or on the other hand, she may say something that seems very innocent, but with stubborn or defiant body language that I know all too well. She would get spanked for it, if the attitude went with it. But a lot of the time, we goof around together and she is pretty sassy and fiesty and that's just her.

Well, I decided to cut this off here for now. There will be more later, but I don't want to rush our discussion, as we are both enjoying it.

Thanks for welcoming him :)

Forty Seconds To Spare

2012-01-02T11:40:00.000-08:00

That rotten teeth, no good, land-stealing, cattle rustling cold-blooded murderer.

He had to die.

And that's the beauty of it- any Western movie worth it's salt would never end with the villain still standing.

We were sitting there, watching the movie, and eating cardboard pizza. I call it cardboard pizza if it's the type you pull out of the freezer, heat, and eat for the purpose of survival not for taste or enjoyment.

I was perfectly fine with it. Have I ever told you my dream world where food is concerned? You are going to think I'm crazy (gasp..and you always thought I was so rational) If I had my way, food would just come in pill form. They would be calculated perfectly for nutritional value, age, blah blah, and you would just take three a day.

Yep.

Nobody would have to grocery shop (blech) or cook (yawn) or clean up (sigh). The exception would be holidays or birthdays or some such celebration.

Food is simply overrated, in my opinion. Usually eating is an annoyance and takes up my time. Plus I can't just rush through it and get back to my day, because my hubby wants me to stay at the table and be with the family. We always have sit down meals around the table.

Back to our frozen pizza. He wasn't thrilled with it.

"Hey, Angel..this is fine once in awhile, and it's fine for tonight, but I'd like you to start planning tomorrow's dinner please."

(huh?)

"Sometimes you don't remember to take something out to thaw..you wait until the last possible moment, so I am reminding you now."

(well that's because I'm waiting for the government to adapt to my world food plan..)

"And, Angel, this is NOT a request. I want you to plan ahead and cook a nice meal."

(grrrrr)

"Now would be a very good time to say 'Yes, Dear' and show some submission."

(like hell I will..it's practically suicidal to ask me to think about cooking twenty four hours ahead..)

SILENCE

(speaking of cooking, I'm doing a bit of simmering right now.)

"I know that silence, Princess. Let me be perfectly clear. If you don't plan ahead and you throw something together for dinner tomorrow night,I will spank you."

(really? Because I thought you might just throw me a party..duh.)

We kept watching the movie. Stupid Western. At least there were some pretty horses..

"You know, Darlin, it's not lost on me that you haven't said you will do it. Would it kill you to just say Yes Dear?"

(probably not but why take chances when I'm still so young..)

"Okay, that's it. You are just being defiant. Before the end of the movie you will say it or you will get a spanking."

"Why do I have to say it? You KNOW that I will do it."

"I think it's important for you to show some submission here. You aren't being very compliant."

Now, sometimes I am very mischievous. Full on. And I like to have a little dance with the devil if I sense that I am safe. It's actually very fun with a slight whiff of danger in the air, and you guys know what I'm talking about.

I have to be careful though. I can get caught up in the game and he can turn on a dime. There are times the twinkle in my eye turns to a tear instead.

The movie went on, nearing the end. The good guys were finally winning..

"You must be feeling brave tonight. I'd start talking if I were you.."

"I'm just fine. This movie won't end until that bad dude is shot. (Yawn) We both know that!"

"Don't forget the kids are not home, Angel. I'll spank you right here in the living room- and I'll get right to it too!"

(hmmm, this game might be wearing thin..) "The movie's not over! He's still alive!"

"You haven't seen this before, but I have, and maybe he doesn't die? Did you think of that?"

(uhhh, yes- actually I did but I'm gambling on his evilness here..)

Then, in a sudden twist one of his OWN cattle hands got a sudden burst of conscience about the fifty plus people they had put in the ground, and turned on him!

He pulled a gun, aimed it at the good guys, then whipped around and shot the head villain at close range.

His evil face twisted into rage and confusion and pain, then he clapped his hand over his bloody chest and sank to the ground in a puff of dust.

I had to check. Yep, damn..he's good and dead.

I glanced up at my ogre. I think he'd adopted the villian's wicked grin...sitting there looking at me.

Oops. The game isn't so fun when it stops feeling safe!

I looked up- uh HUH. Now the vultures were circling ME.

How far to gamble? How much more movie could there be now that the bad dude was stiff and stinking up the joint?

"Okay okay! Yes Dear! I'll plan the meal! I'll think ahead and make dinner and take care of my family the way I should."

Just about then, the credits started to roll.

But not my head.

(phew)

He smiled at me, shook his head and muttered "Submission- now isn't that nice to hear..

with forty seconds to spare.

Body, Mind, And Heart Comes Last

2011-12-31T14:16:00.000-08:00

It was awful, terrible, horrible.

(There, Honey, are you happy?)

You see, he says I sugar-coat everything (stormy-coat?) and that life isn't always funny. I agree, its not always funny..but I can almost always see something to laugh about. Almost.

I am an eternal optimist and he is an eternal pessimist, and that's the way it is. Between the two of our extremes, there is a normal person. Or perhaps...three? Our children might just be normal- or we can hope..

Not only am I an optimist, but I do try to get past my initial responses and reactions, and find a measure of maturity- which only comes after I have some time to process. The beauty of my blog is I can decide to write when I'm good and ready- or when I'm good and mad.

I was good and mad when all of this event happened.

And now I'm good and ready to write about it.

Between those two responses, there have been three days.

The basics are that he spanked me and I was pissed as hell about it. But there was a lot more going on that we had to muddle our way through.

It all started about a month ago. Remember that I said I was an optimist? Well, I also have this thing about me, something about the way God hung my heart up in my body when he was making me, well..ME...that drives me to people who are in pain. Not only do I find these people, I take on their emotional pain as if it were mine..it physically makes me weak and in pain. I can't explain it, but I know it to be true.

I also have the tendency to want to rescue anything with a pulse. (or so hubby would say)

In this situation, one of my rescue attempts had gone horribly awry, and I had misjudged a person's character. I had also been naive and failed to read between the lines or realize this person had a drug addiction, and was very dangerous.

Let's just say that I got sideways with this person, and made an enemy. At least temporarily (oh geez, see my stupid optimism? Its incurable..) When this happened, I believe I was just an easy target, and I had stood my ground with a person who had always controlled everyone around her with her rage and violence. I am not very brave..but neither am I timid when push comes to shove. For in the middle of all this was an innocent child, a four year old who was about to get a new nanny. The nanny was to be this crazed lunatic and to sum it up, I had the authority to pull the plug on the arrangment and I did. I will never back down from protecting a child from possible abuse.

It was terribly hard and very very stressful, and beyond messy..but I did the right thing.

While this was all going on, my husband was extremely worried for me. He is very protective and if he could have he would have placed his body in front of me and defended me physically- but he was not able to be there at that moment. He tried to tell me how to handle it, we had many phone calls back and forth, and I followed his counsel as best I could.

Now this week I was going to be thrust back into the situation, briefly and of necessity. It was in a courtroom. My husband knew of this, and had called a police friend of his to ask him to be present..just in case I was attacked.

I wanted my husband to be there with me.

Now, you may already know this about me, but I'll say it again. I am almost fiercely independent. I have had to unlearn a lot of those habits to embrace submission in all of its forms. I still struggle with some of it daily, and while I do not think being independent is wrong, in my case it leads to wrong behavior at times.

I work on not being that way, on leaning on my husband the way that he wants me to, and the way that it is best for our marriage.

He can't have it both ways! If I am supposed to reach out to him and ask him to be there for me, he damn well better be there for me if its at all possible.

I'm worth it, and that's the way it has to be.

But when I asked him to be there for me that day, he fell back on some old lousy habits. He used to have a selfish streak that drove me insane at times. His way of doing it was this: I'd ask him for something, he'd refuse to say if he would do it or not, be there or not, and then when it came down to it.....he'd usually come through. But in the meantime he's arouse feelings in me that were intensely angry. To the point of pulling back and not wanting him within fifty miles of me.

I'd gather up my most vulnerable self, and tuck it away, and out would come the walls of self protection. Then I'd march bravely away..alone and angry and bound and determined to make it on my own. To hell with him, is what I used to think.

Talk about a lose-lose scenario. Yet we played it expertly and again and again, before our dd lifestyle.

Here we were again. He said he didn't know what was on his schedule. He said he didn't know if he could be there or not.

I fought back the old feelings. Thought about the wisest way to approach him, and swallowed hard. (I'd better navigate this well or I'd be in deep trouble.)

I tried to cast my pride aside.

This isn't easy for a girl like me- a girl like me holds tightly to pride, its a downfall but its familiar. I knew that I needed to check my pride at the door, its the right thing to do for us, for our marriage- because its been a destructive force in our history.

Sometimes I get pride, submission, independence, etc all jumbled up in my head, and its difficult for me to sort it all out. Other days I get a clear sense of where they all need to fall in priority. This was one of those days where nothing was very clear- I had too many other emotions surrounding the situation.

I approached him again. I'd thought about my words carefully. "Honey...Baby? I really need you there. I need your physical protection, and your emotional support. I need your hand in mine. This is more important than you might realize. I even need you to want to be there for me."

He kept dancing around...not committing to being there. I felt anger rising in me, but I choked it down.

We left it alone for a little while.

The next time it came up, I had been thinking of nothing else. I was feeling hurt and frustrated. To complicate things, I pretty much knew he would be there. At least that's what I could predict.

But that wasn't enough for me, I guess. I wanted to know that he would be. I wanted to have him understand why I needed him, and how in the world didn't he? He was involved from the beginning, he had expressed concern in many ways..about this very day.

I'm not the same girl as before. To be submissive is a delicate, important journey, and it doesn't come easy for me. I keep working and progressing, and I'm learning. The thing is, it has disarmed me, in a way, and I am more fragile..or more willing to show my fragile side. I didn't want to go into this thing without him. I didn't feel strong enough, I didn't feel tough enough, and that made it easier to reach out to him. It made it a necessity to reach out to him.

But he was feeling criticized and attacked, and a bit stubborn about it. He hadn't taken the time to really think it all through, he was compartmentalizing and it wasn't fully on his radar.

The next time we talked all hell broke loose.

He said "I know YOU know you want me to go, but why didn't you think about MY schedule? Aren't you just thinking about yourself?"

My pride came rushing back in a mighty flash! Also, a lot of anger and hurt. I know I had an angry look on my face, and I know that I had defiance in every muscle of my body when I faced him and retorted "Look, how often do I EVER say that I need you? Its pretty rare, don't you think? And isn't that what you want? Forget it! I do not WANT you to go with me.. just forget it I ever asked!"

I wanted to rush away and hide. My emotions had flooded me with such force that I had forgotten about any consequences.

He certainly hadn't. He told me in no uncertain terms to meet him in the shed.

I yelled at him. I told him he was crazy, and that he couldn't spank me..that if he did I would never want him there anyway.

(as a side note, this position of mine is quite weakened by the fact that I nearly always protest when he says I am getting a spanking. I nearly always say he's crazy, and other such statements)

He was very firm. I was sobbing and had lost all reason. But I knew by the look on his face that I wanted my fifteen minutes for both of us to calm down.

He gave me my fifteen minutes, but when he came in I asked for more time. He gave it to me, and then he spanked me.

I had thrown out one more "bomb" before he began. "You get everything you want! You get to spank me, which you want to do anyway! And then I won't want you there with me, so you get a clear schedule too!"

I got spanked for that remark too.

He spanked me, then stopped to ask questions, then spanked me more. I answered his questions quite dishonestly, if you want the truth. I just tried to think of what he wanted me to say, so that the spanking would stop.

When he finished he pulled me up into his arms. I submitted in body, as I had to the spanking, but not in mind or in spirit. I knew I didn't want him to see the simmering anger, or it would begin again..and I didn't have the words to express myself appropriately either.

He's sharp, and he told me that he knew my attitude toward him was wrong. But he held me anyway, and I know he felt a bit helpless too, at that point.

I knew that I had been disrespectful, and that I had "tossed bombs" and that wasn't ever okay. He talks all the time about why bomb-throwing is grounds for a spanking, and we were very clear on all of it. It was also known to me, at some level, that I had resorted to my old ways..pride rushes in and picks up a big ugly bomb and throws it out there. But logic was no part of my emotions at that time.

"I need to add, if you say one more word about going without me, or about my schedule being clear, you are getting another spanking. Don't put on your independent act, do you hear me?"

I kept asking to leave but he kept talking to me gently, looking for something to connect us. Finally he gave up and allowed me to leave, but as he always does after a spanking, he held my hand and led me back to the house.

After that, I hid until bedtime. He allowed me the space and the time. He came to me a few times, tried to get a smile by teasing and hugging..but I just told him I didn't feel like smiling. He let me pull myself in and hold onto my anger and I wanted to go to bed without him but he called me to the couch to talk.

"You were disrespectful and you were disciplined for it. Its that simple. I can't allow you to act that way, because its very destructive for us, and its non productive, and it won't help us work things out. Now, you can simmer and keep your mad on, but you know it won't go good for you. You will hold onto it until you act out disrespectfully and you will get spanked again. You brought it on yourself."

I said nothing. I did nothing. But inside I was boiling- there's hardly anything WORSE than hearing that kind of thing in the state I was in! I needed him to drop his HOH-ness and not act like a school principal. I needed him to tell me it was all okay, that he was a selfish jerk and he provoked me!

I went to bed.

In the morning I ignored him totally. He warned me about my attitude. I tried to fake some warmth but I was stuffing my feelings far down, just to try to stay out of more trouble.

There were a lot of tears. A lot of pissedoffedness carefully aimed at him. I got more warnings. I cried and told him "This is hard- you don't know!" He started to tell me why consequences are needed etc and I whirled around and said "don't give me your dd pep talk 101 right now! Its the last thing I need."

I think he was trying very hard to figure out what I did need.

Shortly after that he came to me. I could see, as he wrapped his arms around me, that he had dropped his HOH hat somewhere, and he said "Baby Doll, I want to see you happy and at peace. That's all I want..so please come sit with me? Is there anything you want or need to say?"

I told him that I had a million feelings, but that I did not trust my own words or voice at the moment.

He instantly understood. "I will give you some latitude to express yourself, I know that you are emotional and as long as you don't cuss me out or something crazy...you can talk freely."

What a relief. At first I chose my words carefully. "I know that I am very stressed out and emotional about the situation, the hearing itself...and all the events leading up to today. I know that I probably mixed it all up in my head and for the moment, I can't separate it. But I am so upset with you! I am mad at you!"

Then I took a deep breath and told him what I really thought. "You were hiding your selfishness behind the spanking. You felt mad and criticized so you disciplined me to cover it up."

He disagreed. He reminded me what I had said and done to cross the lines we know are there.

I was still mad. I told him that he owed ME an apology. There was a lot more said, but as we talked I felt some of my anger sliding away..and especially when he did apologize.

"I'm sorry I disappointed you."

"No, I want you to say 'I'm sorry I was a selfish jerk and let you down and provoked you into spanking!"

"I'm sorry I was selfish, but I didn't make you talk disrespectfully or throw bombs, true?"

Sigh.

"No. But if you had really heard me, if you heard and responded, then I wouldn't have gotten in trouble."

"Okay, I guess that's true. So, do you forgive me?"

SILENCE.

"Oh c'mon Angel, do you?"

"I do, but I have to work through some feelings. I'm just still upset- but I do forgive you."

Later I told him I was leaving to do errands in town, to have some alone time, to think. I leaned in and kissed him and he said "Oh, you want me now?" I said "No, but I do appreciate you and love you."

After all that, we found that the meeting that started it all had been postponed. Stupid court system..sigh. So we had date night planned instead. Before I left I said "Maybe I am being stubborn, but I need more time to feel okay, I guess I need more time and space, okay?" He said he understood, and he was looking forward to date night together.

I definitely needed more time to think it all through. How I wished I could think like a man, dissect it and put it into its proper "brain box" and compartmentalize the hell out of it.

Instead, I had to think and pray and find a way to meld it all together to make peace with me, my way. I tried that for awhile, it wasn't letting the feelings wash away. I was still upset..still holding something back, still a bit ticked at him. I bought a large peppermint mocha (a fix for almost anything..) and gave it some more thought. I decided to try it a little bit his way and a little bit mine..both.

I thought about how I need to submit in body, mind, and heart. I thought about the role each plays in how I carry out ttwd. I grappled with the events and what I had brought to the table. Looking at it in terms of body, mind, and heart..helped me to see where each fell in the equation, and where I was holding out.

I'd offered my body over a year ago, in submission to his decisions about discipline. I'd kept my part of the deal by continuing to submit and give my consent. My mind was next, it had to find some logic and purpose and focus for what is right and what is wrong, and what arrangment we have. I could fully extend both of those, body and mind, and still be held back by the miraculous pumping organ that is my heart. My heart could hold it all hostage if I let it- and I had most certainly let it for a few days.

My heart is what tells me that I love him like crazy, that he's a good guy, and that he loves me in spite of all my faults and my attempts to wreck us. It trusts, it leans, it is fragile and it is hungry for him. Its emotional and it wants to rescue lost puppies and lost souls, and it aches and it hurts.

Its tough to open and keep open.

Its not always my friend- sometimes it messes me up pretty damn good.

It took awhile, and it was a process, but I am doing okay, and I forgive him, and we floundered through it all. I'm not going to say I appreciated the spanking, because I didn't and I don't. I know its his decision, and I'm in good hands though. I know he does his best to make the right decision..and sometimes he gets it right and sometimes he doesn't. I know I can't expect to break rules and not get in trouble, even if that's the way I want it.

We found our way through all of it, the messy emotions, the deeper issues, the stress around the hearing and the circumstances that led to it, and the intricacy of ttwd and the way it plays out between us.

If you made it this far, thanks for caring about us. If you have limited time on the internet, this would be a good post to skip..lol. It got a lot long.

I used to write just for myself, but these days..this blog is for the two of us. I still write for myself, but also I write for us, and as we read it together, it helps us with mutual understanding and connection. He sees into my mind, and into my heart. We stop, we discuss, we laugh, we reflect, and we grow.

He says I always wrap things up prettily and find a moral to the story and stormy-coat all of it.

So this time, I won't.

He's Such A Pain!

2011-12-30T13:21:00.000-08:00

Oh wait.

Disregard that title.

I'm not really supposed to call him a big pain..I'm pretty sure I got spanked for that once.

(but he is..shhhhhhhh)

I read him all the comments, and by the way, thanks you guys- and he pondered them thoughtfully.

I waited eagerly for his response. This should be great, now he knows that I'm not the only misbehaving stressed out wife who crosses lines and gets in extra trouble around Christmas.

Guess what he said? You can't guess? Okay I'll tell you..

"I see a lot of women got spanked on Christmas- boy what a softie I am! I didn't have the heart to spank YOU on Christmas day, I let you get away with murder. Hmmm, I should never have let that slide..what was I thinking?"

Huh? (I'm gonna murder him in his sleep or at least shave off one eyebrow so he appears as off balance as he is..)

Then next he said..

"See? You aren't the only one who gets spanked for distancing and hiding, Stormy."

(chain me back, I know where the carving knives are kept..)

He recognized right away that I was being teased by the oh-so-clever commenter who mentions her iPad, fussing in church, and watering the cat in the sink. He laughed loudly!

"Ha! Look Baby, your readers are poking fun at you!"

Well, okay..we laughed together at her wit and the sharp memory that it required. Both a fan AND a heckler. LOL.

Then I put my hands on my hips and proclaimed..

"I should have known better! All these great stories and you find things to use against me!"

He pulled me close up against him. "Why do you always say that? I never use anything against you- it's always and all FOR us."

Awww, isn't that sweet?

Whatever!

(I can't get spanked for just WRITING it, can I?)

Next he said "Hey, how come a lot of women feel BETTER after a spanking? When you often want to tell me to F off?"

"Because they're nuts! No, I mean..it just affects everyone differently, ya know? Sometimes I do feel better, when its over. Besides, I don't always want to tell you to F off..sometimes I want to tell you to go screw yourself instead. I like to change it up." (hee hee)

"Real funny. Good thing you are smarter than that. Usually."

"Yeah- usually!"

Anyway, thanks for the stories and keep them coming..because I think he really DOES get it.

And even if he doesn't..

It sure makes me feel better!

Can You Help Me A Little?

2011-12-28T14:19:00.000-08:00

This might be a little different but I need a favor?

If you are a submissive and you ended up in some kind of trouble in the days before Christmas, or Christmas day, can you leave me a comment with how or why?

Because I sure did take a few dips in hot water around that time!

I want to show my husband that it's not just me..that it's not unusual for extra stress and extra expectations to take their toll around the holidays. Especially for women, as I think we want everything to be perfect. We want to be Martha Stewart, Santa Clause, Julia Child and Oprah all rolled into one person.

We end up with too much to do and not enough time or energy to get it all done and of course wrapped with a stunning wired ribbon and matching homemade gift tag to boot.

If you didn't have any spankings and you sailed through beautifully...then for heavens sake make something up! Just kidding.

No really. I'm kidding.

Not. ;)

Another Kind Of Christmas Clause

2011-12-26T12:52:00.000-08:00

We all love Santa Clause.

But, I was in need of another kind of clause..

Two nights before Christmas I got in trouble for sass. All I said was "shut up!". Now, is that so bad? Okay, okay, I know. Its bad. But in my defense (and Lord knows I need one) he said the word "spank" in front of the children. Only, it really wasn't because they had left the room but I didn't know it. I had my back to them.

For some crazy unknown reason, we have a rule that I cannot say "I didn't do anything!' when he tries to call me on some behavior. As in "Why are you spanking me, you crazy dude? I didn't do anything!" Or, I might say it one or a dozen times before I am actually otk.

This time he said I rolled my eyes or something, which might have ended up with just a warning (we'll get to those later) but I answered "Geez...I didn't do anything!"

Then he sternly said "That alone can get your behind spanked!' and I thought the children were behind me in the dining room but they had left the room- and I bristled and said "Don't say that! Shut UP."

I don't suppose I even have to tell you what happened after that.

I will say the big kindly ogre asked me if I wanted to get it over with, and I nodded, and so it was immediate. Which is the way I like it (I use the term like here quite loosely) since its like a dose of bad medicine. Just close your eyes and take it.

I felt very pouty about it, but I knew that 'shut up" is never going to fly around here in any way, shape, or formal fashion. Plus there was that whole "I didn't do anything!" phrase too.

Since he knew I was upset, he allowed me to stay up late that night. One reason he usually wants me to go to bed with him is to keep me out of trouble- in other words, separation of me and my iPad. Sometimes it takes a scalpel to sever us!

You guessed it. I stayed up too late, which means that I was online too long- dang. I lost track of time, and then when I noticed the time I was like, freaking out...ugh ugh ugh! I figured I could try sneaking into bed and maybe turn his clock toward the wall...like a bad girl (huh? have I done that before? would you just focus and listen..its my blog and I'll ask the questions..)

Did I do it?

No.

I resisted that temptation. The fact is, in the morning he would without fail ask me what time I came to bed. The rest is history. We have been here before.

And so it went. Knowing he would ask, I told on myself, and of course I got punished for it. I was thankful it was just a spanking, and not taking away my computer, and thankful that he was also feeling very "affectionate" toward me in that position and decided to cut it short and move on to other ideas.

I had determined not to get spanked on Christmas Eve, but if that was all I wanted for Christmas, then I failed miserably. At least it wasn't like last Christmas Eve and I never wanted to revisit that scene. So comparatively speaking, I was doing pretty good.

See? I can make myself look innocent no matter what.

Well, I can try anyway. Because on Christmas day...I wasn't exactly his angel. The one on top of the tree still holds that title, and watched all of this quite smugly from her lofty perch.

I sassed him. I said "Fine!" in front of the children. This time they were most definitely there. I got a warning about it. Phew.

Then I did something else that pushed him a little. He stood up and came over to me, and I knew he was about to issue another warning (it hadn't been that bad- enough to spank me) and I stood up too..and I put my finger on his lips, and said "Shhhh, I don't want any warning!"

Real smart, Stormy. (drinking too much eggnog with Bailey's Irish Cream, perhaps?)

He smiled. Real big. Real real big. Then he said "Okay Angel. You get your wish. From now on there will be NO warnings. None at all. After all, you hate them. So you get your wish!"

Gasp!

No, no no! I told him that wasn't what I meant at all...

He grinned, leaned down, and kissed me affectionately. "Yep, I see some real surprises in your future. You sure are a sassy little thing, aren't you? Well, let's see how you do with no warnings..oh..and none of your clauses either!"

It doesn't take a rocket brain surgeon...lol....to know that with a new deal like that one, he was going to be all too happy to try it out. I'd better be on my toes.

But my toes got tired of me being on them. I actually mocked him (just a tiny bit!) later that day. He came over, leaned down to me in my chair, and whispered "You are getting a spanking..remember no warnings?"

No. I forgot. Duh! Yes I remember! Arrrrrrrgh.

He came to get me shortly after. Said we had some business in the bedroom. I played dumb..what business? I don't remember any business arrangements...

He took my arm and led me away.

I got upstairs and pulled out all the stops. Went for the triple-sweet-combo.

1. Sad sad blue eyes.
2. "You wouldn't spank me on Christmas would you?" (flutter flutter, blink blink..)
3. Despair..topple over on the bed and sigh dramatically while burying myself in covers.

He wasn't moved.

Sitting on the bed, he asked me why I mocked him. I said "Because you are a PAIN." Then I jumped up and defiantly-submissively (yeah- it can be done) I yanked my own clothes off and flung myself into position.

You know what my ogre did? He said oh wait a minute, there actually is a Christmas clause. You get to choose one of two options- but only on Christmas you must understand...

I stubbornly said I didn't want either.

He said then I can just have a Christmas spanking.

I chose to choose the very attractive door number two. It had a beautiful Christmas wreath on it, and opened to a number of inviting activities. No spankings allowed!

I'm all for Christmas Clauses.

And I'm all for Christmas clauses...

All I Want For Christmas I Already Have

2011-12-23T12:12:00.000-08:00

I remember past Christmases.

My husband would ask me to give him a list of things I wanted, so he could shop for me. I'd give him a pretty long list, stretch our budget a bit.

Am I a material girl? Not really. But there was a time when I was so actively busy filling my life with things other than him. I had a space inside my heart and mind where he was supposed to be but I filled it with all kinds of other things.

He wanted to be there.

He wanted to be there but I squeezed him out until there was no room.

I knew he wanted to be there but I didn't know how to bridge that gap. He wanted my submission too, and there was no way that was going to be checked off his Christmas list!

I had my own agenda, and I pursued it. My life was crazy busy with friends, volunteer stuff, work, hobbies, clubs, children, even other people's children.

Sometimes he would ask me to slow down and I would turn on him angrily. I'd shut him up temporarily by accusing him of being too controlling.

Then he would sadly turn away and fill his life up too..because I wasn't there for him enough of the time.

We'd connect when we had exhausted other pursuits. We were each other's fall back rather than what we should have been- each other's first priority.

Times have changed.

If you read this blog you have watched us evolve into something different and better. Through a lot of very hard work on both of our parts, we are just where we want to be.

That's both a broad statement and a miracle but there you go.

A few months ago I lost a friend through some changes in her life..misunderstandings, etc. We used to get together all the time but had pulled apart some.

I wished her the best but I was not wrecked by it. I had a new best friend in my husband. Another broad statement- but he really is...and I never thought I'd say such a thing.

This Christmas we forgot to give each other a list..I was out shopping for him when I realized it. He was out shopping when he realized it. Neither of us had the slightest idea what the other would like.

He called me on his cell phone. He was in one mall and I was in another. He said hey Babydoll you forgot to give me a list. You always give me a list! I told him I am already content. There was a long silence..while we both thought about what I was saying. Then I said hey Mister...you forgot too! He said he didn't really need anything..he was happy.

We still bought gifts, and he's teasing me about something he got me that I would never know I wanted until I got one.

But the significance of the exchange is not lost on us.

Every year since we got married we had an unwritten list- the kind we might have handed to one another in tears, slumped shoulders, weary faces and heavy sighs.

- Intimacy
- Forgiveness
- Friendship
- Connection
- Leadership
- Submission
- Companionship
- Understanding
- Loyalty
- Resolution
- Clarity
- Devotion

It's been hard work, many trials, challenges, confusion, and compromise. It's been communication at times that I would have refused or avoided if he hadn't insisted. It's been discipline I would have rejected if he hadn't followed through. It's been me facing my issues and faults. It's been him facing his.

We are not the poster kids for this lifestyle. We make mistakes and we take the long way sometimes. We will still find ourselves wandering like lost children occasionally. Maybe even tomorrow- who knows.

This isn't about how anybody else should proceed. We don't have the answers for anybody else. This is only about us, two stubborn crazy souls who happen to love each other desperately and won't settle for anything less than all we got.

And all I want for Christmas I already have.

Want Me To Give You Something To Blog About?

2011-12-23T00:31:00.000-08:00

I guess I was being a handful.

Stressed out with extra errands and projects.

Planning crafts for the children and baked goodies for him.

Wrapping gifts and running out of tape, when I just wanted to finish.

Dealing with one friend in a relationship crisis, and wanting to be there for another friend who just lost her sister.

Spinning in circles, over emotional, resisting his instructions and lacking in submission, I'd been trying his patience a bit.

He walked up to me, held me a moment..then hands all over me teasing and pinching and making me giggle and smack his hands away.

Then with a wide grin and a mostly serious warning, my ogre announced

"You'd better watch it the rest of the day, or I'll give you something to blog about!"

The Penguin Got Me Paddled

2011-12-21T02:46:00.000-08:00

It spoke to me out of the blue.

(and it was blue)

Hey, what ya doing?

Shopping.

What's your name?

Stormy.

Nice to meet you, Stormy. Hey, did you see that I was on sale? A special sale?

Well, yeah...but I don't really need you.

Are you sure? Do you have a humidifier?

Yes, I think we do.

Well, I bet its not a cool blue like me. What color is it?

Umm, I think its brown.

Brown huh? (yawn) Too bad.

Yeah, its brown- but now that I think about it, it could be missing some parts.

I'm not missing any parts. And I'm a cool blue. Do you like blue, Stormy?

Yes, I actually really do love blue.

Do you like 'cute' stuff, Stormy?

I love cute stuff.

I'm pretty cute, huh? Don't you think I'm cute?

You are very cute. Let me take a better look at you.

See? I'm just the right size too, aren't I?

Well, yeah...you are a nice size I suppose.

Stormy...look around- where are you?

Bed Bath and Beyond.

Exactly. And what do you think BEYOND means, Stormy?

I guess I never thought about it. Why don't you tell me, blue penguin?

Bed is boring. Bath is basic. But BEYOND...Stormy....that means beyond boring..beyond basic...all the way to ADORABLE.

Huh. I never thought of it that way. I guess I do need to consider adding you to my cart. Do you like carts, blue penguin?

I'm all about the wheels, baby. Take me home and love me forever. Oh, did I mention that I love cats?

Well, no, but that's probably a good thing..

And Stormy, steam comes out of my beak while at the same time I make your family less prone to colds, sleep apnea, and all kinds of harmful and difficult to pronounce diseases you can easily look up on Wikipedia at any time. I'm practically critical to your entire family's well being as well as being ADORABLE and AFFORDABLE.

Hop in to my shopping cart, blue penguin, and make yourself comfortable right here next to the Pillow Pets. I think we are going to be good friends.

And that's how it went. He was cute, articulate, blue, and mine.

When I got home I didn't pull him out right away. Hubby doesn't exactly support my motto "The World Needs More Cuteness" on a regular basis. Its best that he not be confronted by such things right away.

But I had also purchased some Christmas presents, and it was all stored in the shed together. So when I went to go get them out, I had to pull out Mr Penguin (who was being awfully quiet now that he was home) and put him out on a shelf for a minute.

I forgot to put him away.

My ogre and I were watching TV that evening when he started to ~~interrogate~~ ask me a few questions about my purchase. I ~~got a terrible attitude~~ answered his questions respectfully, because he is the HOH and he has a right to ask his wife about the things that she buys.

He wanted to know why I bought an ice blue flightless fowl when we had a perfectly ~~hideous~~ functional brown humidifier. I told him that I thought there were some missing parts. He didn't remember that there was anything missing on it.

He wanted to know where I got it...and I told him but I left out the part where the penguin told me the amazing and enlightening story about what beyond really means.

He said that he doesn't know why I buy gadgets, then use them for a short while, and then abandon them.

I couldn't very well tell him that this was different and that I hadn't just bought a humidifer, I had made a new friend.

So I just got ~~plenty indignant~~ a little bothered by the whole line of questioning. I used a tone he didn't appreciate.

He decided that the topic was closed, and we would discuss it more the following day. I wanted to keep telling him how much his questioning was ANNOYING me, and how he needed to just ~~shut up~~ keep quiet about my purchase.

He warned me that the topic really was closed. So I quit talking. (I'm not entirely stupid)

But when we got upstairs he said something else.

Aha! He started it up again- not me! I figured I could get some more of my ideas across to him since we were obviously going to discuss it further.

He said nope- that's the end of it. I fussed and pouted and pushed him until I saw some major red flags. Plus he said something like "Stop talking about this or get a spanking..you choose!" (see, I can pick up on subtle hints like these..)

So I shut up. Again.

Then I lay quietly but I was ticked and knew that if I thrashed around the bed, or woke him up there would be heck to pay.

I got up and went downstairs and paced around the house feeling mad at him. Then I was sooooo tempted to jump online but he had already told me I had used up all of my internet time for the day.

Now, it had been three days since I had been in trouble, and I was proud of myself and didn't want to screw with a record like that one- so I resisted the temptation.

Finally I went to bed and fell asleep.

Morning came, and the only thing sweet about it was the sugar in my coffee. He was refreshed and in a good mood. I was mad at him and ready to defend my right to my penguin.

He didn't tell me I couldn't or shouldn't buy it, but I was still annoyed. And I pouted and refused to sit close to him or answer his simple questions about my day.

That's when he told me he was going to reset my day before it even got started.

I said it wasn't fair. He asked me to name a time that he spanked me where I told him it WAS fair.

Fair enough. That's a good point.

He paddled me and i argued and fussed and protested, and when he stopped he asked me what I had to say.

I said he owed me an apology! I said it's his fault because he annoyed me!

Let's just say that wasn't the end of it, and I eventually gave in and apologized and cried and was contrite and told him I'd learned my lesson.

He said I was forgiven, and let's go and start this day over again.

I said okay, good idea.

But I'm keeping my penguin....

Follow The Yellow Brick Road

2011-12-19T00:22:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel like Dorothy.

I'm off on a journey, and I never know what's around the next bend. Lions and tigers and bears..Oh my!

We are learning and growing and finding our way but its sometimes a winding yellow brick road.

Many years ago I wrote my husband a little handmade card. It had a picture of Dorothy, The Tin Man, Scarecrow, and Lion.

It said:

If I only had a brain, I'd figure out this marriage stuff and do it right.

If I had any courage I'd show so much more of my love for you.

But I do have a heart, and it belongs to you always..

And I know that there's

NO PLACE LIKE HOME WITH YOU

I remember it was a time when he was especially frustrated with me..maybe it was even an apology note for something. It was corny but he liked it anyway.

I do like The Wizard of Oz, because there are so many life lessons about friendship, family, learning to recognize and appreciate what you have, acceptance of others, facing challenges, doing the impossible, tornado safety, and of course the power of a hot pair of red shoes.

I was feeling kind of proud of my journey yesterday. I had managed to shop with my husband for many hours and not kill him. Or, (and this is even better) be in any trouble.

I had been threatened with a spanking in the back of the car in a Walmart parking lot..but that doesn't really count, does it?

Anyway, we had progressed past that moment and were nearly home. That's when the trouble started. Over the silliest thing..

Over the past year we had gotten interested in a singer named Andrea Bocceli. He's a blind performer with golden pipes...his voice is magic. I had purchased a cd a few weeks ago. Although it looked like a Christmas cd, it wasn't. Hubby was hoping it was, as he especially loves Christmas music of the traditional sort.

I liked it anyway, but decided to buy the Christmas one as well. I presented it to my ogre and he loved it and put it in the player right away as we headed home from our day shopping.

All was well until he asked me if I kept the receipt to the first one.

Now, sometimes I can relate to Dorothy, but once in a great while I'm well, more like the one who was doing the sky-writing above her head.

I felt defensive, and told him I didn't know what he was talking about. I said I had probably kept the receipt..then asked him if he had the receipt for his shirt he had on? Or his pants? I tugged at them to emphasize my point. Which was that I hadn't intended to return the cd and was irritated at him for implying that I should.

He got very quiet. I stopped and smiled sweetly and rested my hand on his leg.but even in the mostly dark car I saw signs I recognize pretty well. I was in for it.

(release the flying monkeys?)

Maybe not? I took his hand and said sorry, and he leaned over so that the children would not hear and said "I'm sorry too Sweetie, but I'm afraid you are in trouble."

I felt my usual flash of anger and then fell back on my first defense- faked shock. If you can make them think that YOU think they are crazy, maybe they will second guess themselves. It rarely works but I often employ it anyway when trying to escape a spanking.

No, it didn't work. He just looked at me and went back to watching the road and I sighed and looked down at my hands and felt mad at myself for being in the situation. He's very strict about disrespect in front of the children and there they were in the car with us. Arrrgh!

When we got home he said to come have a talk and I went. He said I had one chance to save myself. And did I know what it was?

(think fast Stormy...) Umm, sorry? I'm very sorry and I didn't intend to be disrespectful.

Is there any reason I shouldn't spank you for it?

(trick question...hmmmm. He's waiting- give him something! He likes humility, try that..)

Ummm, no. There is no reason to not spank me, because I know the rule about disrespect when the kids are watching and I broke the rule. But, I hope you will be lenient in this case.

Then I slid onto the floor and laid my head on his knee and asked him to not spank me. (that could pass for submission, right?)

He told me that I didn't give him the answer he was hoping for and I had run out of chances.

I got mad! I told him I didn't have his "script" and I couldn't read his mind! I asked him what could I have said that would have gotten me out of trouble? He said to tell him I would apologize to the children, to tell him why it was wrong and how it affects them, to admit my fault and to apologize sincerely.

What the? I got a few of those right!

He said didn't I remember when he spanked me last week for doing the same thing, then not apologizing? Well, yeah. And didn't I remember what he told me to do the next time to avoid it?

Well duh. Obviously not. Grrrrr. (dude, didn't you see the whole humble thing I got going on?)

He said too little too late.

I argued- yeah I admit it. I argued. I said no fair! You said I had a chance when there was really NO chance because I can't read your mind!

He relented. Said he'd make a deal. If I apologized to the children, AND (he really seemed to emphasize the AND) keep a good attitude and not act cold to him, I'd be home free this time.

Okay! I grabbed the bedroom door handle and started to jet out of there. He warned me about my attitude..I guess I already felt powerful and my nose-in-the-air was well, already there. I went straight to the children so when he asked me if I had done it, I could say that was taken care of.

But, it was ticking me off a little. I had to swallow my pride and I don't like doing that.

Apology done (they hardly knew what I was talking about anyway), I stomped back down and past him and outside.

I wanted to be alone- I was in no mood to be humble or contrite or any of the above.

He waited a bit then followed me out. He asked me why I was avoiding him? And did I remember the deal? Why was I acting this way?

I spit out "Its complicated!'

He took my hand "Well its about to get very UN- complicated!'

He said I was going to be spanked good for my crummy attitude.

I argued back "No way!"

He said "You didn't keep your end of the deal, not all of it..so deal's off"

(I wanted to scream at him..and then suddenly, it just slipped out)

"You are MEAN!"

He was surprised. I figured my goose was cooked. But he turned and walked away and into the house.

I was relieved. Like Dorothy coming upon that nice field of flowers.

Except, remember those were poison poppies? My sense of relief was soon replaced by uncertainty. Was I in trouble or wasn't I? Should I go back in the house? Was he going to come out and take me to the shed any moment...

I slowly reluctantly went inside. He was upset and I could tell. I curled up on the couch and quietly asked if I was going to get a spanking. He said "No, you are not in trouble. I didn't handle it right."

Really? That works for me!

But he went on to say that I just "fight him at every turn" and "have my default on defiance."

Well, that sucks. Why did he have to go and say that? I was fuming. So was he.

I knew that he knew that I knew that this was headed for a major spanking..if my attitude didn't fix itself. But I was angry at his words and didn't think they were altogether fair or accurate.

I asked if I could go to bed, and he said that I could.

(it was definitely the only way I was going to avoid the inevitable)

The next day I was still upset, and he let me be slightly distant...for a little while. Then he came to me and said we had to talk.

I felt stubborn. (go ahead and talk you big lug..)

He told me not to interrupt, that he needed to explain something clearly.

"Last night, I handled things badly. On the way home, I knew that I was going to discipline you and I knew why, and I had peace with my decision. But then, you were so sweet and I knew it would ruin your night for you, and I just got soft. I wanted to find a way to make you face what you did, but help you avoid a spanking this once.

But I mismanaged the whole situation, and that's why you are acting the way you are right now. And that's why I am not pleased or settled either. Now, you can tell me you don't want to hear this..and I am sure you don't, but we both know that I am right. You don't have to admit it though, and I don't expect you to.

I'm sorry my words hurt you. I think you heard more than I actually said, but I didn't mean to discourage you or shut you down. Last night, you would have been upset about the spanking but you would have been fine today. But because I mis-handled the situation, you are not fine. Let me tell you, Darling, I won't make this same mistake again."

Then he told me I could go get ready for church, and think about things for awhile.

I went upstairs and was thinking hard. I knew he was right and I hated that he was right. I hated even more that he knew that I knew he was right.

But he had just been so, so, so..confusing! My head had started spinning and hadn't stopped yet. Where oh where is that Emerald City when I have come so far? Its sooo complicated...sigh.

I got in the shower and thought about what to do about my attitude toward him. We both knew that the sand was falling in the hourglass and he wouldn't put up with this wall forever.

I was thinking about it so hard I didn't notice the shower door open and close.

He was there with me.

We had a long talk about the situation.

(Okay, so...very little talking but we worked it out.)

The water was hot and so was he....

And I melted.

Go To The Bedroom

2011-12-16T14:17:00.000-08:00

Those are fighting words.

Oh I know I know, I'm a submissive wife and I'm supposed to just go where I'm told.

The thing is that when he takes me to the bedroom and shuts the door, he may just want to call me on a tiny remark or something. But I get defensive and try to say it was no big thing. He questions me further and I just want to leave and a lot of the time I get fiery and then he reaches for an instrument of correction and then it's all over.

I don't really want to go into it, but there have been way too many spankings in my life lately. Sometimes several a day.

As you know, this isn't my idea of fa la la la la and deck the halls. Makes me want to deck somebody else.

Quite honestly, it's not his fault. He is no more strict than usual, it's not new rules that's getting me, it's just me and the stress of the season. I seem to be puttering around, too much on my mind..can't get focused and I'm pretty defensive. As he says, I would like to tell him to tuck his head and kiss his own a$$..when he calls me on a chore or a task.

We have decided on a holiday strategy, and may continue if it works well.

On those occasions when he would normally TAKE me to the bedroom, he is going to SEND me to the bedroom.

When I get there I am to lay on the bed and think about how I want this to go. Do I want to be reasonable and talk like an adult and apologize if needed? Or do I want to end up over his knee taking the consequences of my actions and (for me) ruining my day? Sincere sweet acceptance of my faults...or tears and a sharp wake up call for my behind...

I need to lay on the bed because I feel more submissive and quiet in this position.

When I sit on the bed I feel more prepared to defend, protect, put up walls. I even grab a pillow..as if to fend off a spanking with a piece of fabric filled with the feathers of a doomed duck. Yeah, that's gonna work.

For obvious reasons, a woman laying before her husband is in a vulnerable position of trust and submission.

He says he thinks it will be worth a try. He said if he starts to take me to the bedroom to please remind him about "bedroom time" BEFORE I tell him to tuck his head and kiss his own a$$...or all bets are off.

I said okay.

I'm looking forward to fewer swats to my rear and a ho ho ho Christmas. More ho ho ho's and ha ha ha's and less ow ow ow's.

I'll go to my room.

I'll quiet my heart and mind and soul and think about putting my best foot forward in my relationship.

I'll wait for my husband so we can talk and work it out, and end up with hugs and kisses and maybe more but no spanking.

I'll curl up on my bed, let my cat get comfortable beside me, and take a deep breath while all my stress slides away.

And I'll hug a doomed duck.

Ripples Of Respect

2011-12-16T02:15:00.000-08:00

I didn't like what he was telling me.

I didn't like it one bit.

You see, we were discussing a little issue I was having with my parents. I'm very close to them, so it has been wearing on both of us- but the fact is that I am at odds with them at the moment. Okay, for a few months.

Its quite unusual for me to be sideways with my mom and dad. It doesn't feel very good.

The way we had been dealing with it was just to go through the motions. I see them at family stuff, they call me (but not like normal) and I call them (but not anything like I am used to) and we are polite and kind but distant.

When we get too close to the flame of the conflict, sparks flare slightly but are quickly snuffed because we don't want to really go there.

They think I am being stubborn. I think they are being stubborn and somewhat selfish.

My dad is a real tough guy. He is actually kind of a big puddle....teddy bear dude...but he looks tough and he commands respect. Heaven knows I respected him as a child and I still do. Not many people stand up to him- but I can. I didn't when I was a little girl, but he mellowed out some, and i also learned his bark was worse than his bite. We are too much alike. We have the same flashing blue eyes, fiery nature, rebellious spirit and tender heart.

So a few days ago he came over, and wanted to talk to my husband. Alone. He hugged me, made small talk, and then wandered off to the man cave to talk man-to-man. About me. Grrrrrrr.

He really likes my husband, and my husband likes him too. They are not best friends, but they have a good solid relationship and a lot of respect for one another. They admire one another.

After they talked, my dad left, and I tried to be patient and wait for my husband to tell me what was said. It wasn't long before he said that Dad wanted to have a meeting with the four of us, and that he didn't think I would be very receptive- so he put my husband up to "taking me" over there..I guess. (grrrrrr)

Your parents want to sort this out.

Uh huh.

And that's what we are going to do.

I don't know..

Well, I know. We are going to honor their request.

I'll think about it.

You can think about it, and I think you will come to the conclusion that its the right thing to do. This has gone on long enough. But if you decide to be obstinate, then I will require you to go.

What? That's not fair!

Yes it is. I'm your husband and I want the very best for you, and the best thing for you is to resolve things with your parents. They are wonderful people, they love you, and you love them.

So you are going to spank me if I don't go to talk this over with them?

Yes. And then you will go anyway, so if I were you I'd just skip the external motivation.

Okay, FINE. I will go.

And also, you may not agree but from a disciplinary standpoint I have a job as your husband to make sure that you act the way you should in this meeting.

What? Oh that's crazy. You have got to be kidding me!

Lower your voice. And no, I'm not kidding. You also KNOW that I am not kidding, so stop being defiant already.

I have a right to express myself in this meeting!

Yes, you sure do. I'm fine with you expressing yourself, and it wouldn't be a very productive meeting if you didn't. But I am going to require you to remain respectful to your parents at all times.

You are nuts. (ooops) I mean, I know you mean well and all, and I sure don't intend to be disrespectful to them, but sometimes things just happen and I don't want to worry about getting spanked when I get home.

Good. Then that should give you the motivation you need to stay civil and treat them kindly the way they deserve to be treated no matter how much you disagree with them right now.

I think its not the least bit fair.

I'm sorry you feel that way, but I am confident that you will do just fine.

Easy for YOU to say!

Baby, the way you talk to them is a reflection of me. These are ripples of respect. I am your husband, and if you talk badly or flare up, or lose your temper then it is as if I allowed this. It shows disrespect, which is like I don't respect them either. And I do. We both love them.

Yeah, but...

Respect that you feel for me flows into the rest of your life, and its how you should treat everyone you meet. I will never be okay with you treating anyone rudely or disrespectfully, but least of all your mom and dad.

But, this is already a stressful meeting and adding this just makes it so much worse for me!

No, because if you get out of line your dad will get defensive, and everything will fall apart. We are going to try to solve some things, work out some misunderstandings, and don't we want it to be the most productive we can hope for?

Yeah.

So don't worry, Angel. I know you don't want to be rude to them, and I know you don't want to be in trouble, and I have confidence in your doing the right thing all the way through. If you slip up, and you apologize quickly, I will let that go. I want you to appreciate me for helping you with this.

Okay. (thanks...sigh)

Of course, if you get a little wound up, and I suggest you calm down a bit, and you show any disrespect to me I wouldn't want to be in your shoes when we get back home. But you know that right?

Yes.

Its going to be okay, Sweetheart. I will be there with you, I will speak the truth with love and kindness, and I will be loyal to you, and the things that are important to you.

Thanks, Babe. I guess I understand. I can't say that I appreciate you for it, but I know that I should. Its pretty hard for me to appreciate these guidelines, but I know you want the best for me. I do know that!

I'll take it. (big grin)

What happens if I just get up and walk out on them?

You really want to know?

Okay okay, I'll be good....

Stormy's Favorite Board Games

2011-12-14T23:49:00.000-08:00

Its that time of year.

Its time for holiday fun, family get togethers, cocoa with marshmallows, and...

BOARD GAMES.

I gotta tell you, I am a big fan of board games. Its such a fun way to just hang out with other people..while laughing, competing, and making fools of yourselves.

I don't like stuff where I have to stand up and wear a sauce pan on my head while hopping or doing the limbo or something..like in charades. I am too vain too make a total idiot of myself.

I don't care for games of total chance, like Bingo. Its kind of a waste of time, and I'm just too restless a soul to sit there for hours going "B-6? did they say B-6? I think I was yawning right then..do you have it on your board? Oh geez, I'm way behind now.."

I do have a few favorites though. And some new ones, especially since we began this lifestyle.

I am not sure why exactly, but this game speaks to me..

and right before that game, I usually play a lot of this one..

But it all works out as long as I keep my wits about me...

I wish he would just once in awhile go along with this game of mine....its just so much fun...

After we play that one for awhile, we move on to another..because he figures I might need to be reminded...

Then he tells me to stop playing my FAVORITE game...

Which is really a shame, but for some reason it seems to cause him

Well, of course I want to see his point but mostly it makes me want to

which leads to a

and it really doesn't matter who wins, its likely my rear is going to be in some kind of

I guess what it all boils down to is that I just do not play his favorite game as much as I should.

(but I still like my favorites better)

Storm Warning

2011-12-12T03:10:00.000-08:00

Ummm, Honey?

Yeah Babe?

Thanks for agreeing to this little trip away, so I can go see Amy. I'm really excited.

Well, you deserve it Angel- but I wish it wasn't quite so long.

It's not that long..just four days...and Hon, can I ask you something? I'm thinking, while I'm gone, I bet you could give me more time online..huh?

Not likely.

Why not?

Because rules are rules and if I give you an inch you'll take a mile.

Who, me? Seriously..don't be jerky (oops) and just listen to me! Amy has to go in to work a few times, and you know..I'd have more time on my hands. I probably wouldn't even use my extra time but I'd at least have the option..

Well, I don't really agree but okay- you can have two hours a day until you get home.

Two hours NOT counting Scrabble.

(on a side note, I really love playing online Scrabble. I play complete random strangers because my friends say I'm going to beat them every time. Not true..sometimes they win. Just not a lot. And to play and beat complete random strangers you have to be online..)

Nope. Not happening, Angel...it's two hours total and that's INCLUDING your Scrabble.

That's CRAZY! C'mon Babe, what's the big deal? Just lighten up, please..

Okay. Okay, two hours not including that silly word game. That's the best you are going to get out of me.

Yeah! You are the best!

I meant it too. I was really happy and thankful. For awhile that is. Then I did a dangerous thing..I started thinking. POUT. Lousy rule. Dang I hate that rule. It's just so, so, so..unnecessary.

The next time I saw him I had a touch of an attitude.

Honey, I've been thinking.

Uh huh, I'm not sure I want to hear this but go ahead I guess. When you say you've been thinking like that it often gets you started down the path to trouble.

Nope it won't..I just have something to say! I just want to go see Amy for a few days and I don't want to have my husband or his rules go along!

Watch it. I'm not going.

You know what I mean.

See, I knew it- I give you a bunch of extra time and it just makes you bold and sassy and you want a mile. Isn't that right?

I don't know about a mile but I want more time. (feeling stubborn) A lot more.

No.

Yes.

(exasperated) No, and you'd better stop this campaign.

I'm just talking to my husband..about a wife and her needs..

(more exasperated) You know what? Go and do what you want. Then come home and lie to me! But Storm, let me give you a friendly warning- if you go over and disobey me then you know what to expect.

I knew better than to stomp my feet any more than that. Dang! Such a stupid rule. But I had to stick to it, even far from home.

And I meant to.

The first few days, I did it. But after a few days I got tempted to stay up late and jump around online on my iPad. It was just too tempting without him around and it was easy to push it a little later and a little later until I wasn't watching the time at all.

Then the next day and night it was already too late- I'd already blown it so why get spanked for just one day..

I knew I'd better tell him. Yeah, good idea..confess and he might go easier on me. Besides, he's almost sure to ask. Wait..he probably won't go easy because he knows that I know he was going to ask anyway..so it's not really a true confession- it's more like trying to get a scoop on the news. Whatever. No way out of this fix. Here goes nothing..

So I told.

I wasn't even home yet and we had the inevitable conversation.

Why Angel? Why did you go and do this? I'm so sorry but I'll have to deal with this..when you get home.

I don't know. I'm sorry!

What was going through your head? What was the thought process when you disobeyed me?

(thought process? Yeah, I gotta get me one of those..) I just..did it..

I missed you so much, I was looking forward to you coming home. Now it will not be something for you to look forward to. Or me either..but we will deal with this. I really had other plans for you, Woman.

Other plans are good! I think we will be waaaay too busy to go out to the shed, Hon..(sexy voice....c'mon Stormy, work it..)

Nice try- but there will be no trades or bargaining I'm afraid.

I know. (sigh)

You know, you asked for more time, I said yes. You asked for even more, and what did I do?

You said yes.

Yeah I sure did. And look what you did.

Is there going to be two lectures? Now, AND before you spank me?

I'm really not sure you are in a position to get mouthy with me.

Sorry..just askin.

I can only draw the conclusion that you felt defiant, and decided it would be worth the spanking you were going to get to just go ahead and do what you want. Is that right?

I don't want to say.

Uh huh. You just told me all I need to know. Which means you need to know that no, it's not worth it. Know what I'm saying?

Yeah...Honey?! (oh geez..)

Well, guess we covered that. I love you and I really missed you, but this stuff will never fly. See you soon..I'll pick you up at the airport.

He didn't though. I have not been home yet and have not had to settle up with him. (and I should probably call it a night online too..)

Why am I writing about what's coming instead of what already transpired?

Because there was a delay and some bad weather.

And another storm warning.

Better Late Than Never

2011-12-09T22:30:00.000-08:00

I let a very good question from a follower slip right by me.

I meant to answer it as a comment, but due to time constraints I neglected to do so.

It's a good question though, and although I have answered it piece by piece, over time, she wished for me to write a post.

A little background on this reader: she probably has no idea but she's one of my favorite commenters and she means a lot to me. You see, she doesn't live a dd lifestyle, and she doesn't even want to.

Her very first comment on my blog was a long time ago, but it stuck with me:

"I hope you don't mind me commenting, I do not have a DD or D/s marriage - in fact I did not know that they existed until I came across your blog via a long series of random & unrelated links. Once I started reading I couldn't stop & have been following you ever since. You write about your life/struggles eloquently and often very wittily, whether that is intentional or not I've no idea. At times I do find myself worrying for you & constantly have to remind myself that this is a lifestyle choice & I assume, particularly in light of todays post that you can withdraw your consent if you decided you needed to.

I also wanted to thank you, after finding your blog I've gone on to read a few others and realise that what appear to me to be some of the principles of DD could benefit any marriage. So for the last month I have been trying to show my husband more respect, ask not tell/demand, communicate honestly & openly, listen 100% rather than with half an ear whilst continuing on the computer, resond immediately rather than saying I'll do it later, discuss rather than argue. Needless to say I usually remember right after I've said no or snapped at him & have to start backtracking. However, he's obviously noticing the other day he said he wished that I'd obeyed like this when we first got married ( I sniggered) & wonder of wonders actually cancelled golf yesterday, I cannot remember the last time that happened , because he thought I might like to go out for the day - I nearly collapsed in shock!!

So again, thank you, I do not want a DD marriage but I am starting to realise what a strong woman you must be to live one.

I would like to comment again in the future but if you think it's inappropriate due to lack of involvement in DD I'm happy to just be a reader."

Of course I told her that she was welcome here.

You see, CCAJ (wish I had a name to call her but I do not.) reminded me how even small changes in our marriage, when they come from a heart of selflessness, can make bigger things happen. It has a reciprocal affect. Even without choosing a dd lifestyle.

Her comments over the life of this blog, whenever she has popped in for a visit, have always been appreciated by me and make me stop to think..because she comes from a very different perspective than most of us.

CCAJ, I just wanted to tell you that I really value you and appreciate you.

I don't even know if you will read this, but I'm going to do my best to do what you requested of me..so I hope you are around. I know sometimes you lurk rather than comment and that's okay ..it's perfectly fine.

Here is CCAJ's comment/request:

"I'm so very happy for you that you got a chance to talk andreach an understanding.

Occasionally I envy you your husband, I admire his commitment to keeping you and your family close, I DO NOT,however, envy you his methods! When I first came across your blog I'd never heard oF DD and was astounded, quite horrified and indignant on your behalf. At the start you quite clearly said you went along with DD because it was something Mr S wanted and you have repeatedly written how much you struggle with it. As far as I understand DD is consensual but regardless of the ups and downs you continue to stick with it. So after that ramble to the question I want to ask - I know you constantly write about different situations,things that have happened but wondered if you would consider writing about DD (an overview if you like) from your point of view? The advantages, disadvantages, benefits, does it achieve the aims and objectives that you want (does that sound too much like you'd be writing a company report) but however much you protest and fight it you keep choosing to keep on going. Does it make life that much better?

I know you have limited computer time so I know this might not be possible."

Boy howdy, she wants an overview? I'm going to do my best here..forgive me if I fumble the ball.

First, I can only speak about our marriage, and it's very different for everyone. For instance, some bloggers have written that dd "saved their marriage." That doesn't apply to us. DD didn't save our marriage.

We had a strong love for one another, always. We did all the normal stuff...we went to church together, we held hands, we parented, we kissed goodnight, we exchanged cards, went on dates, went on family vacations, made love, said I love you, just all the married folks stuff that says "we're okay..we're happy".

We weren't really very happy.

DD didn't save our marriage but it did save our sanity. You see, we fought often. We created power struggles and we battled until, exhausted, we withdrew to our corners. Sometimes we compromised successfully but that was rare..because we were both stubborn and didn't want to give in. We only gave in when we were too emotionally spent to keep arguing.

These arguments caused a lot of pain...lingering resentments that made each new conflict, even small ones, seem so much bigger. Bitterness was allowed to take root and it grew and flourished among us.

Nothing was ever fully resolved because we both had a truckload of grievances to bring up. We had enough hurt to keep us off balance, a bit distrustful. I had my own struggles...I used the past and any mistakes he had made to grow a giant garden of contempt..and I tended it daily.

It's hard for tenderness to grow in a garden of contempt..they need different kinds of soil.

Love and respect. I knew he loved me but I wanted to really feel it and believe in it. He knew I respected him, deep down but he needed to really SEE it and feel it. He needed to believe in my respect for him. We both needed something from the other and we tried but we failed.

TTWD gives me a way to show respect to my husband that was always there- but not always shown. He didn't feel my respect, or even believe it because I let contempt get in the way. I was angry because he wanted to be the leader of me and of our family and I fought him every step of the way. It was very tiring fighting him, and power struggles are not at all romantic or endearing.

I do respect him, a lot. And I should respect him..he's amazing. I wish I could tell you everything about him but I can't. So just take my word for it..he really is worthy of my respect and my admiration. Everyone who knows him admires him.

DD requires me to be respectful. Because I am showing respect, it has grown until I am truly in awe of him and his ability to lead. My respect for him is real, but i dont just say it...I am expected to live it. I also have a healthy respect for his authority to discipline me if I cross the lines of respect that he has drawn for me.

When we began this lifestyle and he began to FEEL respected, it gave him fresh energy to pour his love and affection for me onto me. It became a reciprocal thing, a living thing that grew stronger each day for both of us. It flowed like the fountains of youth through our relationship and began to heal us in ways we didn't even know we were wounded.

There were times in our marriage when I thought him to be incredibly selfish, and he thought I was incredibly cold. Neither was truly who we were, they were mechanisms of defense we had perfected over time. I was surprised and delighted to find that, in the absence of my constant resistance to his being in charge, he was freed up to be more giving and selfless! He became more engaged with our family and more "present" in every way. He was pleased at the unexpected benefit of me...not putting up walls or hiding behind my "shields" as he called them. I worked hard to operate from a different place, and to be authentic and vulnerable with him. The discipline dynamic slowly over time helped me see that pride is a false friend and a lonely companion. Plus it would only get me in additional trouble when I clung to it.

One of the biggest ways that dd has manifested itself in our lives is by giving us a very clear way to provide resolution of conflict, clear the air of tension, and move forward without resentment between us. It removes any "stuff" that has gotten between us or our closeness and intimacy, and leaves us both feeling like the issue has been settled. Sometimes..even usually, to be honest, I protest and argue and whine about a spanking. But he gets to decide and he is strong and confident even in the face of my initial resistance, to see it through. He knows where he wants the relationship to be, and he won't let things simmer unresolved between us, or rattle around causing confusion and distance...because he knows it's going to send us in the wrong direction- away from one another.

Now, we come to each interaction fresh. Nothing left over or unsaid from a previous issue. It's kind of hard to explain, unless you know what it's like to live "buried" in unresolved conflict. It's easier to recognize by the negative space it leaves..room to build love and affection and fun with one another.

Our home is lacking the crazy chaos we used to know. Our children are happier and more secure, because they see a lot more silly "lovey dovey" stuff than they used to, and they live with a whole lot less tension in their childhoods. And you know, they only get one childhood. I'd like their memories to be good ones, and their model for marriage to be something for us to be proud of providing them.

I love the way that dd lends itself to communication. Nothing is left unsaid..I get to be heard, completely, even if it ends in getting spanked anyway. We both talk, ask questions, try to understand one another, and revise and refine what is necessary. Our goal, and one we both embrace, is to keep striving to reach our potential for closeness, intimacy, understanding..and just keep having fun and enjoying each other as we navigate our life and our family. TTWD definitely helps us further that goal. In fact, before dd we handn't really defined that goal- but we were pretty much stalled anyway. Just getting along was enough of a goal and we didn't get past the basics therein.

DD keeps us both accountable to one another. It builds into our marriage the opportunity to ask forgiveness, to forgive, and to be forgiven. It's pretty simple really..but to do this is important for both of us. We weren't really doing it before..not with sincerity and humility.

Because we have established a clear chain of command, and code of conduct, we have created a framework for the household to operate within...and we have peace and harmony. We both recognize that we are equal partners, and we both deserve respect and a voice, but one person is captain of our ship. Somebody is fully responsible for our welfare and it is my husband. He bears the responsibility because he makes the major decisions. I have agreed to trust him and follow his leadership, and not thwart him or make this job harder than it already is for him.

He has a great deal of respect for me along the way, and he always asks for my ideas, thoughts, preferences, and (strong) opinions. He defers to most of my parenting ideas. He likes to bounce ideas off of me for his job or any of his personal relationships. I feel very respected and valued by him. He knows my strengths and he values them. He knows my weaknesses and he firmly guides me to work through them.

If there is a conflict though, he has the final say. That's a tough one for me when I don't like the direction it's going. It takes a lot to put my temper aside if I disagree. Sometimes I stage a mutiny and I get spanked as a result. It's a lot smarter for me to accept his decision and know he always has my best interest in mind.

Do the advantages of DD outweigh the disadvantages? Yes. Would I choose this lifestyle if we could have all of the benefits it provides our family without it? No. Its a tool in our marriage to help us embrace our roles and be a stronger couple. We do it because we are happier together than we have ever been. It's not a game for us, it's not a kink, it's not something we do as a wim. He takes it very seriously and so do I. We live in the roles of dominant husband and submissive wife because what we were doing before wasn't working. I don't think we would have ever given up on one another, I think we would have kept banging our heads against the wall and each other for the rest of our lives. As he used to say, we would have literally died trying.

This works for us-it brings us closer, keeps us working as a team, makes us more intimately connected, and has eliminated most of the issues and arguments that used to have us chasing our tails in futile circles and cycles of conflict.

The other day he called me from some errands in town. He had me in tears with what he said.

"Baby, I just called because I can't get you off my mind. You see, you have no idea how much your submission means to me. It's the single most important thing you could have ever done for us, the biggest gift I have ever received. I used to think I had the most perfect life a man could have, could ever ask for..except our relationship was hard. Now, I really do have the perfect life. And I want to thank you."

I cried. I asked him to write about it on the blog. (I almost got in trouble because I got mad when he refused..I just loved how he said it and it summed up a lot.)

I replied "Me too! I have the most perfect life except when I'm getting spanked."

He laughed a little bit but he knew that I felt that way already.

CCAJ, I do choose to keep going, even though I fuss and I fight it at times. I could withdraw my consent and we would be set back in many ways. I can't deny what dd does for our marriage. Yes, its difficult to obey and submit. I wish submission came more easily to me. I wish I never let him down or disappointed him. I wish I never got in trouble.

This isn't easy, but it's definitely worth the journey. If it were easy I guess everyone would do it.

We decided, for us, that "good enough" isn't good enough. We choose to keep getting better and better and giving each other all that we have to give.

And better late than never.

One Stinkin Casserole

2011-12-07T22:07:00.000-08:00

I felt like Cinder-friggin-Rella.

I wanted to go somewhere and hubby dear gave me a long list of tasks to finish first.

Now I'm a mom, and as you mothers know, it's not easy to leave your family and your responsibilities without doing quite a bit to prepare for your absence. I should have just been happy to get his blessing to fly out of town to visit my best friend.

I should have, but I wasn't.

We discussed a few things I was to finish before I left. Laundry mostly done..nothing left in baskets (I'm a case for baskets..does that make me a basket case?) and all folded and put away.

Okay..can do.

General housecleaning done.

Yep. Okay Honey.

Shop for groceries.

Ugh..yeah, alright.

Make those phone calls we talked about before you leave.

Sure.

Banking current and accounts in order.

Yup.

Make two meals ahead and put them in the freezer..

What the HELL? I mean...heck??? No way...

Yes, I want you to.

Why?

To help feed your family- I'll be busy and it'll be a big help.

I don't want to do that..(stalling) I won't have time..

Yes you will. Make time. Just do some simple casseroles- you could do it in your sleep.

Well, I hope you are right because that's the only way it's happening!

Stormy, I can spank you right now if you are going to start defiant comments..

No! I'm sorry Hon, I just..well..you KNOW I don't like cooking, but I do it but cooking AHEAD is just stupid torture.

Sigh. I can see it's going to be a job seeing this through but I promise you that I will.

POUT.

(I wanted to say "we'll see" but the last time I said that I was otk in thirty seconds flat. See? I'm practically teachable..)

Okay, okay. Geez..I'll see what I can get done.

(cleverly disguised "we'll see"..did you catch that? If you did you're more like me than you'd want to admit!)

I wanted to have a good attitude, but I didn't. I didn't want to make those stinkin casseroles!

Good sense prevailed, and the next morning I started the first one. Then I thought "I don't have to be here to EAT it, so I just have to make something..and throw it in a 9x13 pan and cover it and freeze it. Edible is another story!"

So I decided to just invent something..just whatever. As I went along though, it started to look very yummy in spite of itself. So it turned out to be a lot better yield than what I had envisioned. I wrapped it in plastic wrap, then tin foil, and wrote the instructions on top with a Sharpie. Flung it like a frisbee into the freezer.

Done.

I had about four days until I left, but he was out of town for a few..so no need to rush. I may have gotten a bit distracted from my tasks. Maybe even on purpose.

I started the laundry.

I'm pretty convinced I have a washing machine with evil intent. I'm pretty sure that each time I start a load it emits an invisible powder, tasteless and odorless, which causes me to completely forget about the load after it goes in. It's as if..POOF..it ceases to exist from that point on. At least until I need to start another and then..imagine my shock when there's a load of clothes in there-neglected, lonely, and needing to be rewashed.

So things weren't exactly clicking along. Plus I was busy with life, children, and of course making plans with my friends.

I got a few loads done..but not folded. Some folded but not put away. Nobody home (ogre-vision) to tell me to get on it, and a sadistic power-hungry top-loading washing machine with a plot to get me spanked.

He had warned me I'd need to plan ahead and chip away at the list. I was chipping alright..but mostly dipped in salsa and in front of a chick flick.

He was coming home soon..wow, that snuck up on me. Now I got down to business but time was tight. And so much left on the list!

I'd figured I'd get everything done, and leave the casserole undone. I'd meant to do it and ran out of time, right? Only I'd never meant to do it...(shhhh) I planned to get everything done but that- then how could he spank me over one stupid lousy casserole?

Okay..he could but then he'd be the meanest man on the planet. Or maybe the galaxy.

That's what I would call him anyway.

I'd worked up quite a head of steam over the injustice of it all. And it hadn't even happened yet.

He got home. I felt defensive and he hadn't even said anything yet! I sassed him a bit. He was surprised and mentioned maybe some maintenance was in order around here? Umm..no..thanks anyway.

Now, it's the craziest thing, but I was so steamed up about that stinkin casserole that I had a 'tude and a tone and he hadn't even mentioned it yet.

Then he announced he wanted to take us all out to dinner, just for fun..and because mama was leaving soon so let's just go out.

I announced in a huff that now I'd NEVER finish my list.

Do you know what the meanest man in the galaxy had the nerve to say? He said the house looked great (I hadn't really cleaned much) and he was proud of all I did. In fact, he just appreciated me so much, and he was sorry if he didn't say it enough.

I said yeah, well I'm not going to get done with the laundry.

He said that's okay, let's just fold what's left and call it good. "I can see you worked hard but I'm not sure you started when you should have. Still, I want to take you out so it's fine."

Huh? He can only see I worked hard because I left laundry scattered in every room of our house! Wow..

I crossed my arms..struck a stubborn pose and announced the ultimate..

"I only did ONE casserole!"

He pulled me close to him, hugged me and replied "Well, we'll be glad to have it. Let's pick up something or other while we are out tonight..you can just buy something, okay?"

Then the nicest man in the galaxy took us all out to dinner. It was a lot of fun. Everyone was happy and in a great mood and laughing together.

But crazy as it sounds even to me, I'd worked up an attitude for nothing, and apparently didn't want to let a good pout go to waste.

So I challenged him, even on little things. I pushed him, even over little things. It was all..little.

But not unnoticed.

At the end of the day he was talking about something..some little nothing comment..and I interrupted him.

He just looked at me sadly, and said very quietly "Thats it, it's a done deal.." and I knew what he meant.

Dang!

When asked why I was getting it, I said one word. "Pushing.."

I'd gotten ticked about one thing, he'd given me more grace than I could have possibly imagined, and I let my for-no-good-reason attitude come out sideways.

I got spanked soundly and sent to bed.

Crying and cuddling I tried to tell him why I'd been such a brat. I told him as best I could. He tried to understand, but all that mattered was he was holding me, he had forgiven me, and all was well between us.

He wouldn't have understood if I'd said what was really on my mind.

One sadistic washing machine.

One stupid girl,

And one stinkin casserole...